I am about 4 weeks away from finishing school. I have been working really hard on my short film. Now i have about a month and a half after i graduate to get a job here in Canada, provided i can get a job permit. Otherwise i will end up back in Panama.
This has caused me a lot of stress. I really don't want to go back.
I've tried talking to my professors, and fellow classmates i trust. It's no use. To them, having to go back home is not so bad. -Of course they get to go back to the U.S. or India or Germany or wherever the fuck society has a broader understanding of things and the overall mentality is not the one that mostly permeates the place i call home.
I call Panama home because that's where i come from, nothing more, nothing less. It is said that home is where the heart is. By this analogy, then i am truly homeless.
I don't want to go back to a place where i don't belong, where i can't take decent public transportation to go places, that is hot and humid, that exalts moronic behavior (carnavales, anyone?), where i have to work in a call center to make a shitty paycheck because i can't make a living out of my trade, a place i've been trying to escape for the last 10 years.
I wish i had the means to get a house in the beach, secluded, and pay for my utilities -including fast ass web access- and food... and just do my shit there, not having to deal with people i don't particularly like in a place i like even less.
I am in the middle of a profound and tough process, searching for answers to a question that is troubling me: "And now, what?"
And i am dealing with this without a place to feel safe, a place to be able to be vulnerable, a place where i will be taken care of while i work this shit out... in short, a home. I am dealing with this shit alone.
This weights on me.
But... this is nothing you would care about. None of your business, i guess. With most certainty, the answer i will get from you is "stop whining, and do what you have to do".
And i agree. You won't see me put this out there to the people i know, or on any of my social media outlets. I put it here, because no one really reads this shit: there are no tits here.
I put this here because sometimes, you just need to voice things out, to ease the turmoil inside you. I don't have anyone to bounce this off of.
And today, a day away from seeing my favorite band since i was 12 perform live... i feel like shit.
Instead, i leave you with some music i've been listening to lately.
Enjoy.
This has caused me a lot of stress. I really don't want to go back.
I've tried talking to my professors, and fellow classmates i trust. It's no use. To them, having to go back home is not so bad. -Of course they get to go back to the U.S. or India or Germany or wherever the fuck society has a broader understanding of things and the overall mentality is not the one that mostly permeates the place i call home.
I call Panama home because that's where i come from, nothing more, nothing less. It is said that home is where the heart is. By this analogy, then i am truly homeless.
I don't want to go back to a place where i don't belong, where i can't take decent public transportation to go places, that is hot and humid, that exalts moronic behavior (carnavales, anyone?), where i have to work in a call center to make a shitty paycheck because i can't make a living out of my trade, a place i've been trying to escape for the last 10 years.
I wish i had the means to get a house in the beach, secluded, and pay for my utilities -including fast ass web access- and food... and just do my shit there, not having to deal with people i don't particularly like in a place i like even less.
I am in the middle of a profound and tough process, searching for answers to a question that is troubling me: "And now, what?"
And i am dealing with this without a place to feel safe, a place to be able to be vulnerable, a place where i will be taken care of while i work this shit out... in short, a home. I am dealing with this shit alone.
This weights on me.
But... this is nothing you would care about. None of your business, i guess. With most certainty, the answer i will get from you is "stop whining, and do what you have to do".
And i agree. You won't see me put this out there to the people i know, or on any of my social media outlets. I put it here, because no one really reads this shit: there are no tits here.
I put this here because sometimes, you just need to voice things out, to ease the turmoil inside you. I don't have anyone to bounce this off of.
And today, a day away from seeing my favorite band since i was 12 perform live... i feel like shit.
Instead, i leave you with some music i've been listening to lately.
Enjoy.
jondregiant:
Great song and video!