burnbright

i am debating with myself. (and if you read the longer, detailed LJ entry, disregard most of this...)

(what up, by the way... long time no talk to.)

last night was bad... just... bad. i am debating going to Butthole's house and having a little talk. sober. a sober talk. that's far better than anything that's happened in the past 24 hours.


so we always go out to skully's on thursdays. getting drunk and dancing to 80s music is irresistable to me. usually, i end up sleeping at Butthole's. for whatever reason. and last week i asked him point blank whether he cared that i always ended up in his bed (sleeping, mind you). he says, "not all the time." and then chuckles about it and says, "i don't care."

well, last night i was semi-passed out upstairs and he started talking to one of our friends and Random Bar Girl downstairs about me. well, pat really started it, but whatever. pat says, "oh, when k's drunk she's all up on everyone." okay, mr. trying to fuck me last time you were drunk here! way to say that about me and then hook up with Random Bar Girl! whatever. he'll hear about it next time i see him. so Butthole pipes in with, "yeah, well every thursday night, i wake up and she's in my bed. and that's creepy."

i have been called a lot of things, but i have not been called creepy. and i have not had a friend ever have a problem with me ending up in their bed or wherever. and on top of all that, he just told me that he didn't fucking care.

so after getting really fucking upset and having a huge scene with F coming to pick me up and all ready to beat his ass, i have spent all day trying to figure out what this is about.

brendan says he was just talking out his ass like boys do. my sister suggested that sometimes it's hard to tell the truth when confronted about something like i did to him last week. when i was yelling at him on his front lawn at 3 this morning, all he could say was that he didn't know i was there. like that fucking matters.

i am hurt and i am upset and i am debating what i should be doing about this. ideally, i'd like him tocome to me first and fucking apologize. when you're caught talking shit about someone who is supposed to be your friend, your first response should be to say you're fucking sorry. if you're not sorry, then why do you even act like you care? but i really just want to confront him and say, "okay, what the fuck is this about anyway?"

i don't know... either way, i think it's bullshit. and if he wanted to get the point across that he wasn't interested in me or he wanted to fix the little problem of me staying over, well, it's fucking fixed.

sometimes i think that people aren't worth it.