buaku

My brothers and sisters..I come before you with a sadness that is almost too much for me to bear. It has come to my attention, that some of you have visited a website that sells little effigies made into the image of our Lord Jesus. But are these idols of our Savior to be placed upon mantles in our homes, or in the very least, on the dashboards of our cars? Are these symbols of our all-loving Lord meant to be placed in a manner for us to look up to for heavenly guidance? No my dear brothers and sisters...these are meant to be placed up our butts.

::sweating:: Yes you heard me my flock...and the words "appalled" and "disgusted" do not begin to describe to you how I feel. Must I remind you.. that our Lord Jesus Christ was not put on this Earth...did not walk on this Earth...and most certainly...::pounds podium::did not DIE on this Earth....to have his image placed in our anal orifices!!! I say unto you, that the Son of God told us to welcome him in our HEARTS, not our ASSESS!! It is in the Good Word...that if we believe in Him, that He will provide us with everlasting life..not anal stimulation!!

::profuse sweating:: To quote a passage in the Good Book.."If your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off. If your left eye causes you to sin, gouge it out. I say unto you, it is better to enter the Kingdom of God missing body parts then to be thrown into the eternal fire..." or something like that. I ask you, my brothers and sisters....is putting Baby Jesus in your crack worth being thrown into the flames of Gehena? I would like to remind us of the Golden Rule: "Do unto others as you would like them to do unto you." Would you like it if our Savior...the Lord Jesus Christ...put you up his butt? I think not.

::wipes brow:: To close today's Homily, I am happy to say that our God is a loving and forgiving God. That is why I will provide the Sacrament of Reconciliation to all those who have purchased any such products from this site and performed any unspeakable acts with them. All I ask is that you bring these "devices" and the sin that you carry within your soul..so that you will be purified of the sexual pleasure you endured...and experience the ectasy of God's Love.

Before I begin the Eucharist, I have a few announcements. I would like to remind all the altar boys of the sign-up sheet in the Rectory for the retreat that I am conducting at Lake Winnetonka next weekend. Also, there is pancake and juice downstairs after Mass, brought to you by the Knights of Columbus. Let us pray...

(I'm not worried about offending people on this site, It's having to go outside that frightens me...)