So I'm watching this short film from the mid-'90s earlier this evening and I couldn't help but think that this thing might as well have been from the '60s fer crying out loud. It just seems so long ago...I was able to drive and I was even able to vote and buy cigarettes. It's just weird 'cause seems like an entirely different era looking back on it...
I also came to the realization tonight that heartache is rather self-indulgent. I'm not saying it's not a sincere emotion or even a valid one, I'm just saying that a lot of the time the only person it's meaning anything to is the person who's feeling it (which is why I suppose it's such a goddamn lonely feeling, right?). I don't know, I was watching this other movie earlier tonight and there was this guy going through his first great big heartbreak and everything he was feeling I remember feeling the last time it happened to me. I remember wanting to feel better and other people trying to help me feel better and not being able to stand still because I wanted to do something - anything - to get that person who broke my heart off my mind, but really, the only thing I wanted to do was see that person again even though I knew that was probably the worst possible thing I could do (mostly because I knew that person didn't want to see me). I remember all the stupid things I would do to get her back, but how nonchalantly I would act around her later just to let her know that she wasn't that big of a deal to me. The self-importance of it all just astounds me looking back on it. I'm not saying I won't go through it again and go back to punching the wall and screaming into my pillow, again. It's just that maybe next time maybe - just maybe - I'll have a little more perspective on the whole thing...
On a lighter note, I'm dj-ing a friend's bar on New Year's and I'm really looking forward to it. Unfortunately, though, we have to use my equipment and I just discovered one of my turntables needs maintenance and I need a whole new mixer. Yes, because with the holidays upon us, I can afford such things...
I also came to the realization tonight that heartache is rather self-indulgent. I'm not saying it's not a sincere emotion or even a valid one, I'm just saying that a lot of the time the only person it's meaning anything to is the person who's feeling it (which is why I suppose it's such a goddamn lonely feeling, right?). I don't know, I was watching this other movie earlier tonight and there was this guy going through his first great big heartbreak and everything he was feeling I remember feeling the last time it happened to me. I remember wanting to feel better and other people trying to help me feel better and not being able to stand still because I wanted to do something - anything - to get that person who broke my heart off my mind, but really, the only thing I wanted to do was see that person again even though I knew that was probably the worst possible thing I could do (mostly because I knew that person didn't want to see me). I remember all the stupid things I would do to get her back, but how nonchalantly I would act around her later just to let her know that she wasn't that big of a deal to me. The self-importance of it all just astounds me looking back on it. I'm not saying I won't go through it again and go back to punching the wall and screaming into my pillow, again. It's just that maybe next time maybe - just maybe - I'll have a little more perspective on the whole thing...
On a lighter note, I'm dj-ing a friend's bar on New Year's and I'm really looking forward to it. Unfortunately, though, we have to use my equipment and I just discovered one of my turntables needs maintenance and I need a whole new mixer. Yes, because with the holidays upon us, I can afford such things...
nina_kova:
great point! i never really thought of it that way - but it is pretty self-indulgent...but, it's a necessary indulgence...i don't know that there's any way to get out of it, except to feel it and watch the line between indulgence and pity.....