I'm going to preface this by saying this is my first ever attempt a blog post here, and it may be a little long. I'm going to go into some personal backstory to better relate what this place, and the community here means to me, so buckle in for a potentially long ride. Otherwise, I hope you enjoy the reading experience.
I first discovered SuicideGirls in 2003, just a couple years after it launched. I'll admit, I was only 17 at the time, but my age never held me back from much of anything. I'll also admit that I used a friend's account then because I didn't have the money for one of my own (something I still feel bad for to this day, and a reason I pay for my account now, even if this account is new because the one I had ages ago has been lost to the sands of time.) But anyway, let's push past those semantics.
I grew up in a very religious household. This was problematic to me personally for several reasons. I knew from a very young age I was queer, and I was terrified to come out as a result. At one point back then, I even went through the 'is there something wrong with me' phase. I also fell in love with the idea of tattoos, colored hair, overall body positivity, and erotic art, and people just being able to be themselves, whoever they were, whatever they looked like, whomever they loved. Enter SuicideGirls.
Here was a place for just that; girls from all walks of life, of all different body shapes, sizes, colors, creeds and beyond to be themselves, in whatever kind of photo sets they wanted. It made me have so much more respect for them, and birthed the dream of someday wanting to be one myself. Here was a place I could go to see women braver than I bare themselves in so many ways. It wasn't just a place for seeing naked women (although that never hurts, I suppose), it was a place to see souls bared and women confidently showing themselves to the world, regardless of what anyone thought of them.
When I did finally come out about who I was, the situation went poorly, as I knew it probably would, and at the age of eighteen, just after high school graduation, when I decided it would be a good time to try coming out, I was forced out on my own, and have been ever since. From here I found even more solace in the SuicideGirls Community, being able to mingle with so many others with similar stories. Not all models and members here are queer in some way, but even those that weren't were still some of the most accepting people I've ever met in my entire life, and there are so many names I wish I could remember at this point in my life, that I'm still thankful for to this day. Models and members alike.
Then, as if things weren't complicated enough, a few life-changing dramas occurred in my early twenties, and I stopped taking care of myself. I put on a lot of weight and became generally unhealthy all around. But again, here in this community, I found acceptance, even then. There were plenty of models with curves, and plenty here that spread the body positivity message, no matter what I looked like, and even in my darkest hours, I knew that here, I could still feel beautiful to someone. Anyone. And I'd venture to say it even saved my life on a few occasions, or brought me back from very dark places.
As time went on, I began to take care of myself again. I started going to therapy, something I think has a taboo attached to it for one reason or another, even in the modern age, which really shouldn't. Mental health is very important to everyone walking this Earth, and I fully support anyone taking the steps to improve or maintain their health, be it physical or the equally important mental and emotional. Even if you think you can't afford it, trust me, there are always options out there, and I'd advise anyone and everyone not to give up if you think you really need help.
And so we come to modern day, where I'm back at my target weight, and generally happy and stable in life. I still have plenty of issues, sure, but I know that I'm not alone in that, and no matter what I have going on there, this community will always be a place of acceptance.
And now, I find myself thinking of becoming a Hopeful again. I just need to build the confidence, and take the proper steps to submit that first set and hope I 'turn pink.' Some friends are helping me with these issues, a new one being @shannonmarieann, who hosts the most wonderful live shows. She's herself, she's fun, laid back, and talks with those who are brave enough to talk to her instead of just lurking while she's streaming. (And I sincerely hope she doesn't mind me mentioning her here.) She's everything I aspire to be in ever becoming a model here, if I get brave enough to take the appropriate steps. So big shoutout to her. Go give her a follow if you haven't already!
So to sum up this long life story, SuicideGirls to me means a place of art, love, acceptance, and positivity. Some might see it as a place to come and look at pretty tattooed, colorful-haired girls in the buff, but to me, and a lot of others like me, it means so much more, and I'm so thankful to be a part of the community here.
It's helped me learn the lesson to never be afraid in all I do, in who I am, or in the things I enjoy in life. And I hope it can do the same for all of you that have managed to make it this far.
Until next time, dear readers,
-Mel
