As promised after people commented on my review of SAW...
I promised that that wasn't even a "bad" review. Here were my thoughts following a screening of Troy:
When I think back to my experience watching Troy, several very intriguing questions come to mind, like...
1) Where were the screenwriters during high school English?
2) Why is Orlando Bloom still allowed to act?
3) Is Helen getting enough fiber? She looks irregular.
4) How many times in the script does the stage direction (Stare dramatically off camera) appear?
5) Look, I'm not kidding around here, I need a good reason Bloom is still on the damn screen, other than "He's pretty."
6) What was I thinking committing three hours of my life to something this horrible?
...but mostly my brain just tries to collapse in on itself to keep from hearing the dialogue over and over again.
When this movie is not trying to be more than it is, it is a decent flick. What is it, that it should not try to be more than, you ask? It's simple. If someone is not actually in the act of frantically dismembering another human being on the screen at that given moment, or attempting to at least, then the movie is trying too hard.
One scene in particular stands out as a shining example of what this movie should have been all about, and that's the fight scene between Hector and Achilles. Achilles calls him out from Troy and they square off against one another, and then, after a few minutes of beautifully choreographed fighting...William Wallace comes out of nowhere and just starts wailing on them both with his claymore! And they're all confused and shit, when suddenly, angered by losing the top box office spot, Van Helsing jumps down off the wall and starts unloading his semi-automatic crossbow, and everyone's all diving for cover, until shamed by all the violence he's witnessing, Jesus shows up, and he's all trying to give them a sermon on how they should co-exist, and stop following all those other false gods while they're at it, when Van Helsing screams "Undead!" and charges at him with a stake, and, and....
Ok...ok, so maybe none of that happened in the movie, but I did that to prove a point, because I, much like the people who adapted this movie from the works of Homer, am now just completely making shit up as I go along. Do not try to keep a running comparison to the Iliad going in your head while watching Troy, or blood will spurt out of your nose about halfway in the gods help you if you make it to the ending.
Troy is to the Iliad what First Knight was to Arthurian legend...with both works being to accuracy what Vanilla Ice was to gangsta rap. Word to your history professor.
The dialogue is so over-wrought and most of the acting so forced that Homer is probably dog-paddling back across the river Styx with Charon in pursuit, trying to beat him senseless with his boat paddle to keep him from coming to strangle all the writers (and Orlando Bloom).
Thats it. I tried, but I cant think of a positive thing to say. 5 seconds of Brad Pitts ass does not a 3-hour movie make, nor does a 3-hour movie make an epic.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
God, I can't believe that I still had that filed away somewhere. *giggle*
I TOLD you that I could be brutel.
I promised that that wasn't even a "bad" review. Here were my thoughts following a screening of Troy:
When I think back to my experience watching Troy, several very intriguing questions come to mind, like...
1) Where were the screenwriters during high school English?
2) Why is Orlando Bloom still allowed to act?
3) Is Helen getting enough fiber? She looks irregular.
4) How many times in the script does the stage direction (Stare dramatically off camera) appear?
5) Look, I'm not kidding around here, I need a good reason Bloom is still on the damn screen, other than "He's pretty."
6) What was I thinking committing three hours of my life to something this horrible?
...but mostly my brain just tries to collapse in on itself to keep from hearing the dialogue over and over again.
When this movie is not trying to be more than it is, it is a decent flick. What is it, that it should not try to be more than, you ask? It's simple. If someone is not actually in the act of frantically dismembering another human being on the screen at that given moment, or attempting to at least, then the movie is trying too hard.
One scene in particular stands out as a shining example of what this movie should have been all about, and that's the fight scene between Hector and Achilles. Achilles calls him out from Troy and they square off against one another, and then, after a few minutes of beautifully choreographed fighting...William Wallace comes out of nowhere and just starts wailing on them both with his claymore! And they're all confused and shit, when suddenly, angered by losing the top box office spot, Van Helsing jumps down off the wall and starts unloading his semi-automatic crossbow, and everyone's all diving for cover, until shamed by all the violence he's witnessing, Jesus shows up, and he's all trying to give them a sermon on how they should co-exist, and stop following all those other false gods while they're at it, when Van Helsing screams "Undead!" and charges at him with a stake, and, and....
Ok...ok, so maybe none of that happened in the movie, but I did that to prove a point, because I, much like the people who adapted this movie from the works of Homer, am now just completely making shit up as I go along. Do not try to keep a running comparison to the Iliad going in your head while watching Troy, or blood will spurt out of your nose about halfway in the gods help you if you make it to the ending.
Troy is to the Iliad what First Knight was to Arthurian legend...with both works being to accuracy what Vanilla Ice was to gangsta rap. Word to your history professor.
The dialogue is so over-wrought and most of the acting so forced that Homer is probably dog-paddling back across the river Styx with Charon in pursuit, trying to beat him senseless with his boat paddle to keep him from coming to strangle all the writers (and Orlando Bloom).
Thats it. I tried, but I cant think of a positive thing to say. 5 seconds of Brad Pitts ass does not a 3-hour movie make, nor does a 3-hour movie make an epic.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
God, I can't believe that I still had that filed away somewhere. *giggle*
I TOLD you that I could be brutel.
VIEW 9 of 9 COMMENTS
johnnydelicious:
Excellent meeting you briefly.
vixen:
Hee hee... Happy Egg Day... that is cute! I haven't heard that one before! 