bronte

I was up all of the other night, so last night I actually got a full 8 hours of sleep...for the first time in months. I've been making do with 3-4 hours per night, but it was wearing me down bigtime. Today was great though...no fatigue...no massive headaches...no jitters. Unfortunately, the only aids that help me sleep are valium and tamazipam and there's no way I'm making a habit out of those. I generally just kind of stare at the ceiling at night. I wish I knew what was bothering me, so I could fix it and move on.

I wish I had some penetrating insights to share today. I have a lot to talk about, but nothing I'd put here for all to see. I have a date tomorrow night. I hope I at least get a new friend to hang out with...not sure I need a relationship right now with all the other crap I'm dealing with. Past girlfriends have told me that I'm "aggressively independent." I thought I was doing them a favor by not being a burden on them. I have my own money...my own place...my own friends...my own hobbies. I'm not intrusive, or clingy, or dramatic. Well...that last one is a lie. Turns out they wanted someone to use them as a crutch. I just can't do that. It makes me feel pathetic. I always tell my friends to not be too proud to ask for help, yet I never ask them for help. I prefer to lock myself up in my apartment for days...or just stay up all night figuring things out. Change is too hard when you have been doing things your own way for so long.

I think I have talked about this before, but I've watched all my friends grow up, buy houses, get married, and have kids. I've known them all for 15+ years, which baffles the hell out of me. This is all depressing the crap out of me. I was in a good mood when I started typing this. I guess that's why I don't blog much.

Do I really have to do this another 40 years? ugh...