I've gotten it into my mind lately that I need to save up another nest egg and buy my own place ASAP. Having a roommate is nice and all because it keeps costs down, but it's hard calling someone else's house "home".
My roommate operates under the "his house, his rules" thing. Fortunately we haven't butted heads yet, but it's inevitable...one of these days....
Soooo...week two of employment. I get paid this week, which is great. There are a lot of things I could do with my first check, but I think this one's for me. To make my money stretch the year and change when I was "retired", I had to eat a lot of PBJ and ramen. I want to attack Whole Foods, Bevmo, and Best Buy with a vengeance!
So far, the only bad thing about the job is the commute. I carpool with a couple other guys, which is great for all financially, but it's quite a trek. I suppose an hour each way isn't THAT bad, but California drivers are admittedly terrible with "weather".
Be it a light sprinkle or a torrent, some ass always finds a way to flip his car over. People go by and lookie-loo as if they've never seen a car upside down before...turning what should be a 30-40 minute trip into 1+ hours. Every time I see someone putting on makeup, messing with their ipod, or chatting away on the phone -- swerving all over the road -- I secretly wish forces unseen would make an example out of them.
My month of drama is nearly over. As I said before, I'm usually in a crappy mood in May, just because I associate with the deaths of several beloved family members. This year wasn't too bad...I wonder if it's because I'm finally letting it go and dealing with it, or if I simply don't care anymore. I'd hate to think it is the latter, but I can't honestly answer that question right now.
I can't say I do anything that I feel guilty about, but for most of my life, I'd constantly be looking over my shoulder, expecting to see dead relatives following me around -- a look of disappointment on their faces. I'm my own worst critic and a hopeless egomaniac, so it was likely just my own personal demons messing with me.
Why do I criticize myself these days? I dunno, maybe it's because regardless of what I do for a living, how much money I make, whether I'm in a relationship or not, or how much worthless material shit I surround myself with, I'm never satisfied. I'll spare the details, but I've tried countless times to solve this problem. I'm not necessarily unhappy...just unsatisfied.
There is some fundamental piece missing and I can't figure out what it is. I've been like this for a good ten years, so I'm speculating that it's the lack the driving force I had when I was in high school/college. Back then, I had this overwhelming urge to better myself because I needed to move from boyhood to manhood...because I needed to get into a good college, have a career, etc.
Now, I still have the same fundamental desire to consume knowledge, but it's like there's no point to it anymore. Perhaps I miss the days where everything I did had reason and I could look forward to result. I eventually DID become a man(boy) and I DID get into a good college, and I DID find a career. But that was 10 years ago...now what?
I re-read "The Stranger" recently by Albert Camus. The main character feels like his life is controlled by some sort of "aimless inertia". as one critic put it. Although I'd like to think I'm not a complete prick like he was, I too feel the effects of an aimless inertia. Perhaps after a few more months in my new role, it will go away.
This is much too heavy to think about at 7am, just before I get ready for work.
My roommate operates under the "his house, his rules" thing. Fortunately we haven't butted heads yet, but it's inevitable...one of these days....
Soooo...week two of employment. I get paid this week, which is great. There are a lot of things I could do with my first check, but I think this one's for me. To make my money stretch the year and change when I was "retired", I had to eat a lot of PBJ and ramen. I want to attack Whole Foods, Bevmo, and Best Buy with a vengeance!
So far, the only bad thing about the job is the commute. I carpool with a couple other guys, which is great for all financially, but it's quite a trek. I suppose an hour each way isn't THAT bad, but California drivers are admittedly terrible with "weather".
Be it a light sprinkle or a torrent, some ass always finds a way to flip his car over. People go by and lookie-loo as if they've never seen a car upside down before...turning what should be a 30-40 minute trip into 1+ hours. Every time I see someone putting on makeup, messing with their ipod, or chatting away on the phone -- swerving all over the road -- I secretly wish forces unseen would make an example out of them.
My month of drama is nearly over. As I said before, I'm usually in a crappy mood in May, just because I associate with the deaths of several beloved family members. This year wasn't too bad...I wonder if it's because I'm finally letting it go and dealing with it, or if I simply don't care anymore. I'd hate to think it is the latter, but I can't honestly answer that question right now.
I can't say I do anything that I feel guilty about, but for most of my life, I'd constantly be looking over my shoulder, expecting to see dead relatives following me around -- a look of disappointment on their faces. I'm my own worst critic and a hopeless egomaniac, so it was likely just my own personal demons messing with me.
Why do I criticize myself these days? I dunno, maybe it's because regardless of what I do for a living, how much money I make, whether I'm in a relationship or not, or how much worthless material shit I surround myself with, I'm never satisfied. I'll spare the details, but I've tried countless times to solve this problem. I'm not necessarily unhappy...just unsatisfied.
There is some fundamental piece missing and I can't figure out what it is. I've been like this for a good ten years, so I'm speculating that it's the lack the driving force I had when I was in high school/college. Back then, I had this overwhelming urge to better myself because I needed to move from boyhood to manhood...because I needed to get into a good college, have a career, etc.
Now, I still have the same fundamental desire to consume knowledge, but it's like there's no point to it anymore. Perhaps I miss the days where everything I did had reason and I could look forward to result. I eventually DID become a man(boy) and I DID get into a good college, and I DID find a career. But that was 10 years ago...now what?
I re-read "The Stranger" recently by Albert Camus. The main character feels like his life is controlled by some sort of "aimless inertia". as one critic put it. Although I'd like to think I'm not a complete prick like he was, I too feel the effects of an aimless inertia. Perhaps after a few more months in my new role, it will go away.
This is much too heavy to think about at 7am, just before I get ready for work.