brokenalice

The other day I found out a an old friend of mine died.. he was 20 yrs old. He went into cardiac arrest. This news was not surprising in the slightest. While I was close friends with him a few years ago, he was very overweight, and he did enough drugs and drank enough liquor to supply a small army. I always said he was going to die young. I felt this way so deeply that eventually I just stopped answering the phone when he called. I loved him as a brother, but I couldn't stand to watch what he was doing to himself.

Last night I found his obituary online and for about an hour I choked back tears. It made me wonder.. would be have died so young if he had more of his friends around? I believe I'm not the only one to have distanced themselves from him. I can't help but feel a sense of guilt... he told me he loved me and called me his sister... did I have some sort of obligation to him?

I heard he even started shooting back up again... and in that case I wouldn't have wanted to be around him anyway... but I still feel like a piece of shit.

Alex's death has affected me more than any other death that has struck close to home. My grandpa passed away recently as some of you know, and I think I only cried briefly when that happened so I could feel normal amongst the grieving. But when someone who was a good friend of yours dies and he's only 20 years old???? I'm still tryin not to start bawlin.

RIP ALEX... I love you man.