So, I'm getting married in three months, and for some reason, I'm really nervous about it. I have done this once before, but the first time around, I truly was not in love with him, and we were young and did it for all the wrong reasons. This time, I'm older and (somewhat) wiser, and I think I learned a lot from the mistakes I've made in past relationships.
I love L with all my heart, but I don't want to fuck it up. I have not necessarily had a problem with committment as I have the whole monogamy thing. In our almost three years together, I've never cheated on him, but the one thing that I think about often is how, if I were propositioned by another woman, would I sneak around with her behind his back? And I realized that, yes, I probably would, and I know that is terrible to say!!
I've had my share of experience with other women, and I've done threesomes and other experimental stuff, but one thing I never got to experience is how I would be in a full emotional/sexual/committed relationship with another female. There were a couple of girls in my past that I almost got to that level with...it always seemed like men were what drove a wedge between us in some way or other.
L is fully aware of my past and everything I've done in it. He doesn't worry that I haven't sowed enough of my oats as other men I've dated have. I sometimes throw hypothetical scenarious at him - like I said, "What if I were out one evening, and you weren't there, and a really hot girl hit on me and I ended up having sex with her without you around?" He said that he wouldn't consider it cheating, and that it wouldn't bother him too much because it WAS with another woman, but he wouldn't expect this to be a common occurence. I admit that I am a selfish lover when I am emotionally bound to someone. I don't want to share that person with anyone else. Unless I somehow can learn to get past it, for now anyway, I can't imagine bringing another woman into my and L's bedroom. I do, however, think a lot about sneaking around with a woman behind his back, and I feel somewhat guilty for it.
I love L with all my heart, but I don't want to fuck it up. I have not necessarily had a problem with committment as I have the whole monogamy thing. In our almost three years together, I've never cheated on him, but the one thing that I think about often is how, if I were propositioned by another woman, would I sneak around with her behind his back? And I realized that, yes, I probably would, and I know that is terrible to say!!
I've had my share of experience with other women, and I've done threesomes and other experimental stuff, but one thing I never got to experience is how I would be in a full emotional/sexual/committed relationship with another female. There were a couple of girls in my past that I almost got to that level with...it always seemed like men were what drove a wedge between us in some way or other.
L is fully aware of my past and everything I've done in it. He doesn't worry that I haven't sowed enough of my oats as other men I've dated have. I sometimes throw hypothetical scenarious at him - like I said, "What if I were out one evening, and you weren't there, and a really hot girl hit on me and I ended up having sex with her without you around?" He said that he wouldn't consider it cheating, and that it wouldn't bother him too much because it WAS with another woman, but he wouldn't expect this to be a common occurence. I admit that I am a selfish lover when I am emotionally bound to someone. I don't want to share that person with anyone else. Unless I somehow can learn to get past it, for now anyway, I can't imagine bringing another woman into my and L's bedroom. I do, however, think a lot about sneaking around with a woman behind his back, and I feel somewhat guilty for it.
propbos:
Just caught sight of you from Maxi's blog.... You haven't blogged sine March. Let's see, that means you're married now. Any news?