brittymon

i was trying to look like classy(for new up to date photos of me for future opportunity)by not having my face piercings in and dressing nice n shit. i don't think i do a very good job of being classy enough even when im trying. my best nicest clothes are still shit.... i wish money wasn't so stupid and bloody important for like everything..

i still haven't found my phone. and im so low on money i cant eat this week or smoke or maybe pay rent im unsure of that part. i need to figure something out. but without a phone its very hard

i drempt that my phone was in the freezer but when i woke it wasn't there. i dono why i looked. i knew it wouldn't be there...it would have been cool tho

i haven't been feeling good. im stressed, having all kinds of nightmares and i feel very alone. not like its not my fault. always is/has been. its better i guess... to just not try. it feels like something is coming to a climax. and im about to fucking pop. maybe my life is almost over? thats what it really feels like almost all of the time. now instead of bringing it on im just kinda waiting to see if something, anything will happen. a sign? a bus? smashing into my tiny yet wide hunk of meat body...splattering my existence for the birds to watch.

i do try...with my art. but i dono how i can do everything i really want to. i dont know if i can achieve what my brain so desperately desire? what i want to archive vs what is possible or within reason? what is reason?(don't awncer that, i dont care about your awncers, probably piss me off more at THIS point) i do know one thing now tho. my dream was never 'Love' or even security...its about feeling okay with what i am what i do and definitely NOT wasting the little time i have. doing things like 9-5 nowhere jobs that killyou on the inside anyways. spending what little time i have that im NOT in pain creating reflections of me and what i know and have experienced in hopes to simply Entertain others, inform, inspire and help others feel...feel anything at all i still dont feel like im completely wasting my time. but im definitely not were id like to be...or how i am so utterly disappointed with my body... it maybe a combo of how it looks, acts, or feels, functions or...doesn't function....how it is SO fucking unpredictable! fluctuating between outrageous weights. from 140 to 160...how i never sleep or even feel okay about anything. how it feels like i can eat or enjoy anything without an extreme amount of guilt and anxiety about loosing my feet and eyes and my pain that inhibits me from exercising to even help myself. or the pain from trying that. it sometimes may feel hard to decide witch pain is better but one IS in the long run. making decisions... what is worth it? and why? witch feeling is more important? the one telling one thing? or the one saying the exact fucking opposite. my brain feels like a battle field. and you know in war everyone just dies or gets wounded...no 'winners'

anyways i have nothing to smoke/eat. i NEED money...does anyone have any they can spare in exchange for something you may want? it would be MORE then greatly appreciated! i hate asking for help. but no one can help unless they know that things aren't good...