brian_xvx

this morning i had a dream that i went to chicago to see a friend i haven't seen in a long time. when i got in town i met up with her friend to call her. her friend called her and put her on speakerphone so i could surprize her. when the friend was telling her i was in town she said she wanted to leave town and not see me. well after we got off the phone her friend said i should go to minneapolis instead i was like are you fucking kidding me i came all this way only to be dissed why the fuck would i go to minneapolis for the day? so we walked to my friends place were we parted ways the friend of my friend went inside and i took off and got on the subway... then i woke up.
i feel like most of the words that start with dis, the main one being disappointed. i'm disapointed in myself for being so apathetic... i don't know, i miss all my friends from far away but i've been so bad with keeping up contact. i geuss it doesn't matter anyway i'm not doing anything worth talking to them about anyway mostly i feel like i've been on auto pilot i haven't been reigning in my life as much as i want... it's sorta been like i've been an actor in a movie about my life half assedly but as the actor i'd rather go back to my trailer and go to sleep. it's fucking boring, i want to go and be adventuresome i miss living life... it's like if i'm not living the way i want what is the point? the inner conflict is killing me it's either be super adventurous or work until i die. i miss loving someone and being loved though i'm pessimistic that i'll find anyone... i'm not living up to anything. fuck it.

Welcome to your new home.
Here's your bed. You'll sleep alone.
Getting everything you wanted.
Getting everything you wanted and some.
Here's the kitchen. Cook alone.
Look at the water boil.
At the table sit and stare.
Soup with bread with so much care for ___.

All my friends back east keep asking,
"What have you done with your life?"
Just a little too strung out to lie.
Suddenly it seems so clear.
Rejecting what you can't have.
Light a candle, smoke and pray

all good sins will find you one day.
Now another month is gone.
Soon it will be a year.
Go to bed and say out loud,
"Is it over where it's all gone wrong?"

All my friends back east keep asking,
"What have you done with your life?"
Just a little too strung out to lie.

My ambition
keeps getting in the way.
When I found my voice
there's nothing left to say.
Inhibition
keeps me behind this door.
My life's a running joke.
What am I? What am I running for?

"friends back east" by jawbreaker