brazenfait

i am today trying to come to some sort of peace with the persistant procrastination that is my life. so many things i have to do, want to do, need to do, and so many things i seem to not do. over and over again i do not do them. i look around and i see them again. they belong only to me. crafts unfinished. electrical work unstarted. painting left undone. friends left uncontacted. it has the appearence of depression but not the substance. i dont feel depressed. i dont feel anything but a vague and empty feeling need to connect with something. something bigger then my typical day to day. something more persistant and connective. something with a greater substance to lead me/guide me/follow me/ save me from... something else than what i was before i started. does that make sense? rereading it says no.
so, to sum up, pointless job, single, poor... dream house, money for beer, health... small jobs to do that seem somehow pointless... petty dramas that cease to amuse... pleasing surroundings... but meaningless surfaces...
this begins to seem like a dream i know the meaning of. one of those dreamscapes that i wander slowly thru being completely confused and then i wake up and the meaning flashes before my eyes in giant words of fire. but i cannot yet wake up, i cannot yet find the flash of meaning, but only slowly live my way through and try to pay attention to the clear and present message i am trying to send to myself.
i can feel it on the tip of my tongue.
its right fucking there...