brawler

So here is the latest assesment of my personality and why my marriage is going to shit...

Apparently I have a Napoleon complex..lol..I am short and am trying to prove to the world that I am bigger then I am. Those exact words were used during my last session. So my drive to improve myself to always learn new things is crossing over into my personal life. Which makes sense, because how you carry yourself in one aspect of life, carries over into all the others. So in essence, the way I have lived my entire adult life is no good. At least not for relationships it's not. At work, I am a complete success. I am one of the best officers in my department. I am a leader, a trainer, an expert and am looked up to. But at home, I am the cause of all the problems. Kind of ironic, I've said this before and I'll say it again..I walk the Earth solving the worlds problems and doing good deeds throughout the land and I can't do the same at home. Strange thing..life..

I guess the problems are in the way I look at my goals. My goal in life has been to be the President. What better position then the ruler of the free world?

Two of my favorite and most inspirational stories from History are as follows..

When Alexander the Great was a boy, 10 years old, he and his father stood at the end of a pasture and saw the most powerful, beautiful horse in all the land! One man after another tried to tame and ride the horse but none were successful. Alexander turned to his father and made a bet. I will tame and ride the horse. If I do, you will buy it for me. If I can't, I will buy it myself and let it run free. So Alexander watched the horse for a few moments and realized the horse was afraid of his own shadow. Everyone that tried to tame it approached the horse from behind and when the horse turned to see what was coming from behind it would see its shadow and run. So Alexander approached the horse from the front with the sun at his back. He pet the horse, and tamed it and rode if back to where his father was standing. His father looked at him and said, "we are going to have to find you a new kingdom, Macedonia is not big enough for you." And it was with this horse that he lead his calvary and won many battles and eventually conquered the world.

I love that story.... The next one is about Julius Ceasar.

When Ceasar first took his army north to fight the Gauls he had to cross a river seperating Rome from Gaul. The river was said to be impassable and the Gauls knew it and stood across the river and taunted Ceasar. Ceasar was a great engineer and his army were the best at construction. So Ceasar put his skills to work and started to build a bridge to cross this river. The Gauls stood on the other side and watched as Ceasar started to cross the river and his bridge did not wash away. By the time the bridge was built, the Gauls had run into the hills. Ceasar marched his entire army across the bridge and made camp on the other side, inside Gaul. The next day, Ceasar marched his army back across the bridge and took the bridge with him. So why did Ceasar cross this river? Not to conquer Gaul, but show the Gauls what Julius Ceasar could do.

So the moral of the story is thus..I have lived my life ever since I was 17 to constantly improve myself. I constantly expand my mind, my body, and to never let any precious opportunity pass. Because once they pass they may never present themselves again. And this carries over into people that I meet. Apparently what I am looking for is my next river to cross..my next horse to tame, and I will never be satisfied.

So I understand this, and maybe it's true. But the problem is, this is who I am..this has made me what I am. And I'm not sure if I want to change. If I don't change..my marriage will go to shit..it pretty much already has.. My counselor says I need to learn to back it down a bit..but how? I don't know..she says that I have reached my pinnacle..and there is nothing left to conquer..She tells me, I've won...how so? I don't know..I don't get it.. The Persians are still coming..lol...

How do you keep yourself from always looking towards the horizon and why is it a bad thing? This is more than how I look at my personal life this is how I look at life in general. I'm learning in class that one key to happiness is to be mindful of the present..and concentrate on what you are doing, and where you are. Yoda said this, "Always to the future he looked..Never his mind on where he was..what he was doing." But what if where you are and what you are doing leaves you feeling blank..and lonley? Do u still sacrifice everything and stay in the present? Or do you look forward and marvel at the possibilities? And what exactly am I looking for? Good question...not an easy one to answer.

So enough fucking philosophy and history. On a good note..the weather is getting great again..and that means..the bike will come out of the garage..not that it ever stopped me before..but now it's beautiful...and I'm looking forward to the weekends..

Fair winds and following seas you freaks..I hope that life is wonderful..it's too short for anything else!