brawler

Well,

I woke up this morning to a phone call..my mom crying so hard I can't understand her. My brother's dog has had a bacterial illness that is eating away his platlets and he has to be put down. And...my mom's friend was murdered during a robbery last night. Great way to start a fucking day huh? Christ...so of course I rush to see my brother and my mom gets there soon after..a mess of emotions man....I feel so bad for my brother..he ust keeps saying that's his buddy..I know..I have two dogs..I had to put one down last year..it's a bitch man, it always is. And then my mom...the guy was 30 years old..not much older then me...had a six year old girl.. and when mom was saying that he used to cut out of work early to pick her up..I couldn't hack it man..the tears just fell..

I fucking hate crying..I never do it..it doesn't feel good...the tears leave a burning trail down my face..and when I'm finished..I just feel pain...I hate seeing my family in pain..I got into my line to work because the thought of someone hurting my family kills me..and when somethine like what happened to my mom's friend happens..I feel like I let someone down...I hate that feeling man..

So we went to the vet's and when they brought the dog out he was pissing blood on the floor..my brother started crying.and his finacee started crying...god dammit it wouldn't stop..He was young too..only 4...a little bulldog...looked like a pig..lol..he was funny man, teeth sticking out...and man my brother loved him...fuck...life is tough ain't it? And with me..one thing I've learned during my short tenure on this planet is that life is full of ups and downs...If nothing else is certain this is...good things will happen, and bad things will happen....when things are good..I embrace that! I hold it! Cuz I know..right around the corner...something like today happens...and then I embrace that also..because it's the feelings of complete joy..and the feelings of complete saddness that make us human..we are capable of the most beautiful dreams..and the most horrible nightmares...

I don't know...On the one hand..I just became an uncle a week ago...and i was so happy...and that was what was ruling my life..and then life jumps up and says" hold on!! this ain't all peaches and cream!!" I feel so bad for my mom's friend's family..I'm just thankful that my family is ok..(sigh) It's tough..it really is..it's true what they say.."In the midst of life..we are in death." I guess it all depends on what you dwell on..

I need a nap..but I can't sleep..I want to ride my bike..but I don't want to get killed in rush hour traffic..I can't help but think what's next?? Hopefully nothing..no news is good news..I want for something good to happen..but I think the good for the year happened last week with my nephew..and I'm ok with that...I just want to ride these next few weeks out with no problems.....Maybe I'm making too much of this?? AFter all..it is only a dog..but fuck..I've grown up with dogs..my dad put all of our previous dogs to sleep when the time comes and last year it was my turn to put the family dog down..and you know what? It is only a dog..but it still fucking hurt so bad..the poor things..I can't help but think they know what's coming..I dunno..strange man..fucking strange..

I don't know what else to say really...I need a stiff drink..I guess the seas aren't always smooth..

Fair winds and following seas...