bratgrrrl

Is grief easier if it's shared, or compounded? I wonder as I buy last minute plane tickets to go home for my grandmother's funeral, and dread to see the "adults" in my family, the people I view as strong, crumbling. I think it hurts more. My grief is bad. To see people I love grieving, that's worse.

She's not dead yet, btw. We knew she was dying when I went to visit a few weeks ago, but she looked so normal I could hardly believe it. They couldn't wake her yesterday morning though, and she had a heart attack late last night, and her organs are shutting down one by one, and she will probably not wake again.
But she had that last moment when she woke up last evening, surrounded by family, coherent and smiling and "i love you"s passed back and forth. We thought it might mean she was getting better, but it was just the saying goodbye interval that some are fortunate enough to get.

Sorry for hiding from this place. The last few weeks have been hellish - (another) pet getting sick, friends losing jobs, friends w/ cancer, friends dying.

You know, if some attractive, interesting girl came up to me, or sat beside me on the bus/plane, etc. I don't think i could even meet her eye. I'd cringe away. i feel ugly with grief right now, a pariah.