the cool thing about being a parent is that many times, you get to see yourself reflected in your kids. most of the times, its a physical feature or a mannerism. but sometimes, its a lot more than that.
yesterday was my son's seventh birthday. just before bed, he was being treated to his nightly story. my wife and i alternate reading books to him and she was finishing up their latest story while i finished making dinner. hes a very active little boy and hard headed (like most little boys) so he has to be told the same thing over and over and over (and over) again. he was restless and squirming and not paying attention (as he tends to do sometimes) even though my wife was quite energetic with her storytelling. finally, she got frustrated and decided to stop reading.
i have seen this scene play out almost every night. first the reading. then the pause that comes until he realizes the story has stopped until he calms down. then more reading followed by verbal warnings. then more reading followed by threats to stop and pleas to continue. we have both contunually asked him to chill out and listen. sometimes he does. sometimes he doesnt.
so yesterday, when the threat to stop came, he pulled a new trick. self pity.
"why can't i just LISTEN?" he cried out loud. "its just so hard. there are so many things in my head and i can only have 2 things in there at a time. and i am listening to the story and then something else comes in and pushes the other stuff out"
kelly bundy much?
it took all my strength not to die from laughing at this little scene. it would have been different if i felt it was genuine. but the apple doesnt fall far from the tree. i recognized what he was doing right away. it was an attempt to manipulate the situation. it may sound like i am being insensitive to this poor child's condition. trust me, i love my boy to death, but he's full of shit sometimes. he can focus and multi-task and follow directions when he wants to. i wasnt buying this routine at all.
heres how it works. first, you start off in your own world. usually its because you are more concerned with whats of interest to you than with what other people are doing with or for you. the other person recognizes this and becomes upset and threatens to stop doing what it was they were doing. this of course makes you feel remorseful but rather than just owning up, you try to create a situation where it looks as though its not your fault. so you look for all sorts of external factors to blame other than yourself. you hope that by creating a bad enough picture, you can drum up some empathy and get the person back on your side again. once they are, you can go back to being in your own world.
i wish i could say this is behavior i USED to exhibit. but i know for a fact that just as recently as a few days ago i acted the same way in a discussion with my wife. granted, my execution is a lot less transparent than his (or so i would like to believe). it should be, ive been practicing about 5 times as long as he has. i wish i could say that he learned that from me. but both of my daughters do the exact same thing. and they dont live with me like my son does. so i think its much more than a learned behavior. see, there it is in action again. because we know it would never be MY fault now would it?
the fact is, we are all selfish on some level. while there are times that we do things for other people simply because we want to, most of the time, we do things for other people because we want something out of the deal. it could be big or small. it could be immediate or down the road. like it or not, we all operate with some level of a personal agenda. the trick is being good enough at getting your way so that no one else thinks you're being a prick. besides, most of the times, the things that we want share some degree of common ground with the things that other people want. so usually, we arent completely taking over the situation.
i helped my son to calm down by comforting him and telling him how he was the one in control of the situation. i told him that he was the one that had the choice to listen or not to listen. and that if he wanted people to do nice things for him, he was going to have to learn to do nice things for other people. we talked about all the things that he can do that he is good at. and when he said he would try to do better, i reminded him that yoda says, "do or do not. there is no try" (complete with the yoda voice of course). i wiped his tears like a good parent should, gave him a big hug and put him to bed for the night.
there is no instruction manual for life's relationships. we have so many different types to manage. parent to child. sibling to sibling. partner to partner. friend to friend. each one has its own rules and dynamics. it can be a bit overwhelming at times espescially when some relationships we DONT get to choose.
no one ever told me how to deal with other people. i grew up as an only child who went to school on the opposite side of town. i didnt see my neighborhood friends during the day. i didnt see my school friends out of school. and i changed school once every three years or less. so i have struggled with relationships on all levels. but i have come to see that relationships are about balance. we have to balance what we want with what the other person wants. sometimes those wants will be the same. but not all the time.
few of us want to be alone. most of us want to feel appreciated and acknowledged by other people when it all boils down, we all want the same things. its just that sometimes, we want to get what we want first or more often than we are willing to give the other person what they want. and thats where the problems come from.
i am thankful for my wife. we have been married 7 years and best friends for 15 years. she makes me want to be the best person that i can. she helps me to recognize the flaws in my character and personality. and she motivates me to improve those areas on a daily basis. most importantly, she has the patience and love to put up with my shit at times when i am nowhere near where i need to be.
every day i work hard at my relationship with my wife, my kids and my friends. we never stop growing or learning. so its never too early or too late to get started.
yesterday was my son's seventh birthday. just before bed, he was being treated to his nightly story. my wife and i alternate reading books to him and she was finishing up their latest story while i finished making dinner. hes a very active little boy and hard headed (like most little boys) so he has to be told the same thing over and over and over (and over) again. he was restless and squirming and not paying attention (as he tends to do sometimes) even though my wife was quite energetic with her storytelling. finally, she got frustrated and decided to stop reading.
i have seen this scene play out almost every night. first the reading. then the pause that comes until he realizes the story has stopped until he calms down. then more reading followed by verbal warnings. then more reading followed by threats to stop and pleas to continue. we have both contunually asked him to chill out and listen. sometimes he does. sometimes he doesnt.
so yesterday, when the threat to stop came, he pulled a new trick. self pity.
"why can't i just LISTEN?" he cried out loud. "its just so hard. there are so many things in my head and i can only have 2 things in there at a time. and i am listening to the story and then something else comes in and pushes the other stuff out"
kelly bundy much?
it took all my strength not to die from laughing at this little scene. it would have been different if i felt it was genuine. but the apple doesnt fall far from the tree. i recognized what he was doing right away. it was an attempt to manipulate the situation. it may sound like i am being insensitive to this poor child's condition. trust me, i love my boy to death, but he's full of shit sometimes. he can focus and multi-task and follow directions when he wants to. i wasnt buying this routine at all.
heres how it works. first, you start off in your own world. usually its because you are more concerned with whats of interest to you than with what other people are doing with or for you. the other person recognizes this and becomes upset and threatens to stop doing what it was they were doing. this of course makes you feel remorseful but rather than just owning up, you try to create a situation where it looks as though its not your fault. so you look for all sorts of external factors to blame other than yourself. you hope that by creating a bad enough picture, you can drum up some empathy and get the person back on your side again. once they are, you can go back to being in your own world.
i wish i could say this is behavior i USED to exhibit. but i know for a fact that just as recently as a few days ago i acted the same way in a discussion with my wife. granted, my execution is a lot less transparent than his (or so i would like to believe). it should be, ive been practicing about 5 times as long as he has. i wish i could say that he learned that from me. but both of my daughters do the exact same thing. and they dont live with me like my son does. so i think its much more than a learned behavior. see, there it is in action again. because we know it would never be MY fault now would it?
the fact is, we are all selfish on some level. while there are times that we do things for other people simply because we want to, most of the time, we do things for other people because we want something out of the deal. it could be big or small. it could be immediate or down the road. like it or not, we all operate with some level of a personal agenda. the trick is being good enough at getting your way so that no one else thinks you're being a prick. besides, most of the times, the things that we want share some degree of common ground with the things that other people want. so usually, we arent completely taking over the situation.
i helped my son to calm down by comforting him and telling him how he was the one in control of the situation. i told him that he was the one that had the choice to listen or not to listen. and that if he wanted people to do nice things for him, he was going to have to learn to do nice things for other people. we talked about all the things that he can do that he is good at. and when he said he would try to do better, i reminded him that yoda says, "do or do not. there is no try" (complete with the yoda voice of course). i wiped his tears like a good parent should, gave him a big hug and put him to bed for the night.
there is no instruction manual for life's relationships. we have so many different types to manage. parent to child. sibling to sibling. partner to partner. friend to friend. each one has its own rules and dynamics. it can be a bit overwhelming at times espescially when some relationships we DONT get to choose.
no one ever told me how to deal with other people. i grew up as an only child who went to school on the opposite side of town. i didnt see my neighborhood friends during the day. i didnt see my school friends out of school. and i changed school once every three years or less. so i have struggled with relationships on all levels. but i have come to see that relationships are about balance. we have to balance what we want with what the other person wants. sometimes those wants will be the same. but not all the time.
few of us want to be alone. most of us want to feel appreciated and acknowledged by other people when it all boils down, we all want the same things. its just that sometimes, we want to get what we want first or more often than we are willing to give the other person what they want. and thats where the problems come from.
i am thankful for my wife. we have been married 7 years and best friends for 15 years. she makes me want to be the best person that i can. she helps me to recognize the flaws in my character and personality. and she motivates me to improve those areas on a daily basis. most importantly, she has the patience and love to put up with my shit at times when i am nowhere near where i need to be.
every day i work hard at my relationship with my wife, my kids and my friends. we never stop growing or learning. so its never too early or too late to get started.