brandi77

Music: Carla Bruni/quelqu'un m'a dit

I like her alot, this album is soft and sweet. Just right for a lazy Sunday morning with a cup of hot coffee and my dog snoring softly behind me. I keep turning around to kiss her snout. I can't resist.

So I've been in school full-time for the last 3 years now. As i've said before, I have no clue as to what I would even want to do for a career. I hate the word career anyway. Career conjurs images of a room with dull light, windows that are never opened, stale flat smells, fabric that is commercial or industrial, clothes that bind and pinch not only your body but your soul as well, or make you itch and scratch. Career is gray skin that matches shadows, anonymity not individuality, rules, regulations, and restrictions. To me it's about having what others consider to be the best, even though it's not the best for you. I could go on and on.

Am I complaining about that or am I expressing myself? I ask myself that question everyday. I guess it's probably a fine line.

I change my mind constantly about what I'd want to do. I alway, always thought I wanted to do something in the medical field. I kept putting that on the back burner though, never really thinking about why I wasn't persuing it. Looking back in retrospect, I remembered little comments here and there asking the young me in lots of different ways, "Why would you want to do that?" Maybe I remember it wrong, or it was just my imagination, but those comments always seemed to hold disdain. Now I try to never ask a person that question. I'll ask them what about that subject they find especially interesting, or their favorite part about it. Oh well. So in the begining I just started taking random classes. Something about every class I took interested me, which I think is both a blessing and a curse, as it is not conducive to making a decision. I love anatomy and physiology. I love to help people, to do things for them. I thought maybe nursing would be a good path. I took nine hours of nursing classes and did lots of clinicals, but I don't think that nursing is for me. I don't like to hurt people. Medicine is incredibly invasive, and it is the nurses who have to follow through with the doctor's orders and perform the procedure (granted it's not surgery or anything like that). I don't want to force tubes and needles into or out of bodies. I don't want to insert catheters, IV's, or feeding tubes or chemicals. I don't want to invade a person's privacy, or their life, or their secrets. I wouldn't have wanted to become one of those nurses who become blind, numb, or unsympathetic to the pain and suffering of another because they see it every day. I did clinicals with some mean, mean nurses. I don't think they were really that mean or anything, I think they were just really tired if it. No more nursing classes for me. I am still interested in helping people out. It just can't be in an invasive way. I want a person to come to me because they want to, not because they have to.

I also love anthropology, but I do not think that I want to have the life of a scholar. So for now, all of the anthropology classes I take are just for fun. I loved calculus, too. How strange.

In my fantasy world I have a store that has all of a woman's (well mine) favorite things: pretty black clothes, pretty paper, books, coffee & tea, manicures & pedicures, colorful art, cupakes, and all of your best girlfriends come in and out all day long.

I am desperately looking for some peace, tranquility, and awareness. There is a meditation center a couple of miles away. I really, really want to take a few classes. They have an open class/meet-the-other-students-and-instructors type session on Saturday mornings, but because of a weird and random school schedule, Saturday is one of the few days I can actually work one of the nice long shifts that I like to work. I should call and see if there is another time that would be OK for me to go to. Also I don't want to go alone. I am too shy for my own good. I mean I can suck it up and pretend I'm not and just get on with it but...there's strength in numbers the way I see it. Maybe my sister will go, or her boyfriend. I have a friend who I can hear now, being all excited and into going, and while her intentions are always good, she's a total flake. I'll probably ask her to go anyway.

I need to go to the library now. I have a 10 page minimum paper on the prehistory of the sex and gender of the plains indian tribes due in a week and a half. Gee...Did I just say I love anthropology? Hmmmm...

Bye.