Life is like photography. We develop from the negatives.
I guess I am trying to repeat this to myself over and over lately. Things have not been easy for me the past month and I am trying as hard as possible to cling onto the happy and optimistic me that I know I am. Since coming back up north I am lonely. I miss my friends and family from Huntington so much its almost unbearable.
I left behind someone. The part of this that is really wrenching at my heart is that he is talking about moving up here for me, I can't think of anything that would make me more happy but at the same time, I have definitely put my emotions through the ringer with him already as it is, and I don't want to get my hopes up for something that might just be a nice thought and a pipe dream. I cannot allow myself to get excited or happy until I actually see some forward movement. Actions speak louder than words. There are a lot of layers to this relationship that even he isn't privy to, things that have gone on that make me that much more invested, which means that if I fall I am going to fall hard, and if there is no one there to catch me I do not know what kind of fucked up shit will be going on with me mentally at that...so that being said, I choose to keep my guard up and refuse to allow myself any kind of high hopes for the fear that the let down will be more than my heart can handle at this point.
Here are the positives that I am focusing on at the moment:
1. I am finally starting to get settled into my apartment, there is still a long ways to go but it is getting there slowly but surely. Replacing everything that was stolen from me when I first moved away is challenging, but I am doing my best to get it all together and make a home for myself. I have a lot of things that I need to buy, but I'll eventually get there.
2. I am going to be the featured Bartender in the March issue of Inked Magazine! Being able to go into a grocery store and buy a magazine with me in it is going to be pretty far beyond cool! I have been working so hard and I feel like finally it is beginning to payoff.
3. I start school in mid January. I am starting school so that I can become a certified Drug and Alcohol Abuse Counselor. My plan is to get to step one with my training so I can at least start working in the field, and then move back to Orange County and work at a rehabilitation facility in Newport as well as finish school. I am extremely excited to get this part of my life started and begin my career in something that makes a difference, something that I have a passion for. It is going to be a hard and mentally/emotionally challenging career, but I know this is what I am meant to do.
I am holding my head high and staying strong. I am trying my hardest not to let things get me down and to focus on the positive side of things.
Deep breaths.
I love you all.
xoxo
Bradley
Here is what I've been cranking at work today....I know these two songs are on opposite ends of the spectrum but its whats keeping me positive and going strong.
As always...
Follow me on instagram @BradleySuicide
Follow me on Twitter
Like me on Facebook
And buy me fun little things to make me smile, if you feel so inclined.
I guess I am trying to repeat this to myself over and over lately. Things have not been easy for me the past month and I am trying as hard as possible to cling onto the happy and optimistic me that I know I am. Since coming back up north I am lonely. I miss my friends and family from Huntington so much its almost unbearable.
I left behind someone. The part of this that is really wrenching at my heart is that he is talking about moving up here for me, I can't think of anything that would make me more happy but at the same time, I have definitely put my emotions through the ringer with him already as it is, and I don't want to get my hopes up for something that might just be a nice thought and a pipe dream. I cannot allow myself to get excited or happy until I actually see some forward movement. Actions speak louder than words. There are a lot of layers to this relationship that even he isn't privy to, things that have gone on that make me that much more invested, which means that if I fall I am going to fall hard, and if there is no one there to catch me I do not know what kind of fucked up shit will be going on with me mentally at that...so that being said, I choose to keep my guard up and refuse to allow myself any kind of high hopes for the fear that the let down will be more than my heart can handle at this point.
Here are the positives that I am focusing on at the moment:
1. I am finally starting to get settled into my apartment, there is still a long ways to go but it is getting there slowly but surely. Replacing everything that was stolen from me when I first moved away is challenging, but I am doing my best to get it all together and make a home for myself. I have a lot of things that I need to buy, but I'll eventually get there.
2. I am going to be the featured Bartender in the March issue of Inked Magazine! Being able to go into a grocery store and buy a magazine with me in it is going to be pretty far beyond cool! I have been working so hard and I feel like finally it is beginning to payoff.
3. I start school in mid January. I am starting school so that I can become a certified Drug and Alcohol Abuse Counselor. My plan is to get to step one with my training so I can at least start working in the field, and then move back to Orange County and work at a rehabilitation facility in Newport as well as finish school. I am extremely excited to get this part of my life started and begin my career in something that makes a difference, something that I have a passion for. It is going to be a hard and mentally/emotionally challenging career, but I know this is what I am meant to do.
I am holding my head high and staying strong. I am trying my hardest not to let things get me down and to focus on the positive side of things.
Deep breaths.
I love you all.
xoxo
Bradley
Here is what I've been cranking at work today....I know these two songs are on opposite ends of the spectrum but its whats keeping me positive and going strong.
As always...
Follow me on instagram @BradleySuicide
Follow me on Twitter
Like me on Facebook
And buy me fun little things to make me smile, if you feel so inclined.
VIEW 9 of 9 COMMENTS
triplewww:
Bradley, I've seen a lot of my female friends go through these types of struggles. Every one of them is different, but if there's one consistent theme, it's this: You can only have power over what YOU choose to do and be. You can't control what others do, and you can't help how you feel. You're human. I sense a goodness of spirit and strength in you and I believe that will prevail in the end. That's why I asked for your friendship and am happy you accepted. I know all this sounds cheesy when things seem bad, but I truly believe all of it. I'm going to send out good vibes for you, because it's what I do :-).
jaruki:
