boundcreature

I just finished watching Any Given Sunday. I watched it because ThePants got it for free and because I like Oliver Stone (Natural Born Killers has earned him a place in my heart for eternity). It was sorta interesting, story-wise but the football metaphors were obtuse and almost irritating. To be completely honest, the movie made me sick.

I don't like football players. I never have. Not since junior-high, not since high-school, not ever. It's odd, because I like to watch football, yet can't stand the players. This movie, I think, strives to create an accurate representation of professional football players and, in doing so, solidifies this idealization of them being "warriors."

Bullshit.

Yeah, be tough, whatever, that's easy. My Mom's tough.

Yeah, be strong, whatever, I can't play football for shit but I can lift my girlfriend over my head (seriously, I can, ask her).

Yeah, be fast, agile, my buddy Chris once jumped over the hood of the Cadillac (seriously, he did, just ask ThePants).

Anybody can be anything. There's always somebody tougher, stronger and faster than you. Always.

All that leaves is to be a man... and this movie was about a bunch of pigs. The characters throw around terms like "family man" and "warrior" and having a life you could be proud of and all this bullshit.

Family man? Why the wife and kids if you want to fuck all the hookers and trash? Why the pretense? If you just want to get laid, why the act? The only thing worse than a guy like that is the woman who would fuck him.

Warrior? What battle do you fight? It's a game, you're a pawn. What are the stakes? You lose, you lose money. That's it. What do you go out there with? Bare flesh or the latest in safety equipment? When you get up, bruised and bloody, are you strong, or are you running on the drugs they pumped into you? Drop it into your veins, boost your tattered body to rise above a shallow fallacy.

I don't like guys.

I don't think there are enough men in the world. I know some. But lately, I get to thinking about all of the guys who take and talk and walk like they are the shit, but they're gonna fold when they face something they can't understand.

He said, "Get out of the car." and I said, "Should I hit him?" Not because I was going to hit him, that would've been a dumb fucking move, sometimes it's better to turn the other cheek... no, I said that, because it's all that was on my mind. I forgot about the pizza, all I could see was this dumb fucking Guido* fronting on us. 2/3 my size. No fire in his eyes. My head was on the situation, you don't fall to their level, but you keep your eyes open in case they get any ideas and you have to protect yourself.

She had this look in her eyes like no one had ever asked her these questions before... and we were both puzzled, because I don't know how you can accept something so beautiful and not pay back your fair share. She just wasn't prepared for somebody who had the understanding to ask or the compassion to care.

I work with a guy who talks shit. He is incompetent. I work with a guy who is very passive and can just barely yell when the shit hits the fan. He gets the job done. He knows his shit inside out. I'll work with one guy, I'd just as soon spit on the other. If you're gonna open your mouth, if you're gonna throw a punch, be prepared to take a shot, because you're opening yourself up. If you can't take a hit, put your hands up and cover your face and hope for the best.

How hard is it to wake up and just be a man? To make your own choices. Seek your own council. Admit to your errors. Right your wrongs.

We are all raised in the cowardice. We are all taught to annihilate the self. We are a society of men and women who do what they think others want them to do, not what they should do. I grew up with all the lies we tell to ourselves. I watch it tear little pieces of my family apart. I watch the idealization of "family" that I was raised with as I grow older and it's constitution does not hold up under the light.

I play my cards close sometimes. You never know who you can trust. You never know, when you depend on someone to believe in themself, whether or not they will turn and follow someone else's calling. I used to be a quiet boy and unassuming, but the primitive instinct still remains and it was necessary to show myself to be a man and make the most of it. You can try to live in the mind, but if you see my arms are bigger, my back is straighter and that there is no fear in my eyes, you lose your edge. I see it all of the time. I see it every day. We are just animals sometimes.

But, is that all? Do you take the strength and the cunning and the will to survive and use it to dominate her or do you let the arms open, for her to be protected when she needs or wants it? Do you use your cunning to show someone their self? Is the will to survive at the expense of others, or is it a will to survive for whatever fractured family can be assembled from so many outwardly-cast individuals?

Live everyday to be who you are, not who they want you to be, not what they want you to be.

I should be asleep, but that dumb movie really pissed me off. Too much hate, too much anger all at once. I don't like it. I need combat. I need to be hit and pushed beyond my limits. I want to puke and I want to scream and I feel like my voice is confined to this little-teeny-bit of webspace. Everyone is talking so loud and saying so much bullshit and I'm redefining a small sign shop that does work that I do not believe in.

Achievement comes through discipline. But nobody said that it was going to be easy.

* I'm Italian, I can totally say that.