boundcreature

HORROR MOVIES & ROMANCE: This is Vintage Jordan
i haven't written a long, crazy entry like this in a while. you people probably aren't even accustomed to reading this much text in my journal anymore...

holy fucking twisted pig-shit! for the first time in cinematic history, a remake has trumped the original! i mean, to be fair, the original was not very good anyway, but still, the idea of (to paraphrase The Pants): something good coming out of this "remake everything we can get our hands on" fad of the last bunch of years is pretty interesting.

we just saw The Amityville Horror tonight. it was done well. it is fucked-up, lo-fi, scary and best of all, it's got BERG in it!

i saw the original Amityville Horror when i was a little kid, i don't remember it having a profound effect on me; certainly not like Amityville II: The Possession had a me when my gram showed it to me and scared the living shit out of me. i most recently watched the original two years ago at the very first horror-movie-slumber party that i had in beverly, massachusetts when i first moved back up here from pennsylvania. it's not a very good movie. it gives you that impression that it could've been good, but it just wasn't handle properly and the cast was too lifeless and uncharismatic... Margot Kidder (Lois Lane) and James Brolin starred in the original.

the kicker on the remake is they expanded on the story and they used actors that brought a sense of warmth to the characters, which made it much easier to empathize with them when all hell was breaking loose. not like in the original, where you mostly just want everyone to die so you can just stop watching the goddamn movie already.

most of the visual effects were done with, wait for it...

wait for it...

MAKE-UP!!! just like a real horror movie! there were no cheezy gimmicks. not a single cast-member from the shite tv show Buffy the Vampire Slayer; no teen movie pandering, just a straight-forward, fucked-up and twisted horror story.

for once, the remake actually expands on the premise of the original in a solid way. AND IT HAS A GREAT PREMISE, one of the best in horror history; a financially strapped young couple with kids move into a "great deal" house, unfortunately, a year earlier, a family was murdered in the house, because of a supposed demonic possession.

the original scratches the surface, but the remake delves deeper, exploring the actual "tainting" of the house and wrapping it into the story.

what a great fucking movie. good horror movies make me want to cry with happy-tears of fear-mangled joy!

i'm glad i went, i was feeling strangely bummed for most of the day. i guess i'm a little dissapointed that my most recent relationship didn't work out. i mean, nothing on the fault of the girl, mostly just my own fault. deep down, i don't know how capable of a relationship i am. i mean, i really like the idea of having some to care about and having someone care about me, but i guess when it comes down to it, knowing that i matter to someone makes me uncomfortable.

so many years of being on my own and depending on myself and not trusting anyone, ever for the constant fear of betrayal, for the constant truth that no one will live to the standards i set for myself, has made me very cold and hard inside. as much as i am capable of caring for someone else; when it comes down to it, i feel safer when i know i can look out for myself and that i don't need to depend on anyone else to look out for me.

i went into the relationship at full-steam, starting slow with an eye towards a long, healthy vibe. but, things just started to unravel on my end. when it suddenly began to feel serious i got terribly confused. the chemistry suddenly felt wrong, the attraction hit a brick wall and next thing i know, i'm no longer comfortable and i am withdrawing deeper and deeper inside of myself.

and it sucked, because all i really want out of my personal life is a relationship that matters. but i am almost completely incapable of it. i fell in love with an ideal a long time ago and i never realized it. i've written to this girl i've never met and i wake up every day, trying to make myself a better person, so on that one day that i ever meet her, i'll feel worthy of it. does that seem odd? or does that seem normal?

i know it may seem bizarre to break up with a warm, beautiful and caring girl because it just doesn't feel right, becauseit's betraying the ideal. but, i act on my instincts, its all i know how to do sometimes. (and, for those in the know, when i say "the ideal" i'm not talking about leah. this goes beyond that; way beyond that).

y'see i just feel like i can't ever betray myself, my feelings or my thoughts. to be with someone who didn't feel right to me at the most primal, gut level; would feel like i was cheating myself, her feelings and the whole concept of "love" and "romance."

i just want to get my mind off it, y'know?

i don't want to fall back into that routine of ignoring every girl that i see just because i'm waiting for something of which i know nothing. feast or famine doesn't work in this game. making plans doesn't work in this game. i really, more than anything else, just want to hang out with people. and NOT HAVE RELATIONSHIPS. because, really, how many more can i fuck up before it just seems silly to me?

i already feel bizarre when i catch myself reliving a moment with a girl in the past when i am with a girl in the present. like i am once again betraying the feelings; like the simple act of it being routine has taken away the magic, not just from the present, but from the past. it's weird to think about...

i've watched the movie Zombie with Melissa, Leah and Yvonne. not on purpose, i mean, we all watched it just because its a great fucking horror movie. but, it almost felt like a routine after a while, like, "two months into the relationship, now is about the time we'll watch Zombie."

maybe i'm just too predictable?

because, really, for the relationships i've had with the girls i've had them with, this is all there is to me.

horror movies and punk rock is what i do. it's all i enjoy. i don't drink and i don't take drugs; i just like to dance and scream and be taken away by crazy stories. there is the martial arts/graphic arts side as well, but that stuff means so much to me that i prefer to keep it somewhat to myself.

i'm just tired of throwing myself at falsehoods. i never learn, i never understand, i can't keep pace with it. i'm tired of the redundancy. and that's what makes me feel uneasy; because yvonne is too fabulously bizarre and unique to have been a "redundancy" to me; she was just the wrong chemical make-up to mix with my chemical make-up.

relationships end when people are wrong for each other, whether or not it occurs to both people involved. that is such a difficult concept to understand sometimes, especially when you are the one who doesn't feel like it should end.

i just want something different. and i'm not gonna be anyone's boyfriend again until i feel like i have lost all control of the situation and i am just a helpless pup trapped in the undertow. i'm not all that good at relationships right now anyway; i'm trying to bust my ass at my job and work out a plan to start publishing a magazine, now is not really the time i guess, i dunno, maybe it is.

i just want experiences.

a part of me lives for that moment when the eyes meet and there is that slight spark of recognition between two people who have never met before. it goes beyond the whole "der, i think she's hot" mindset, it enters that chemical territory. that fucked-up province where full conversations take place with the eyes, where body language tells as much as thirty pages of description. in some ways, you can learn everything that you'll ever need to learn about someone by watching them move...

in other ways, you'll never learn anything about them...

but what do you really need to know anyway? sometimes it's just nice to explore the attraction and not get bogged down in the details.