boundcreature

a little something different for today...

my hetero soul-mate chris has been transcribing his notebook entries from one of the harder periods of his life into a livejournal account this week. its intense. it hurts to read it. it really does. i mean, it would hurt to read if you never even met the kid, but i know him better than probably any other guy on the planet. he came up to visit me on the tail-end of this period of his life and, now that i read all of these entries, its easy to see where the weariness and soul-pain were coming from.

heartbreak is a killer. he's got it worse than i did. the worst part about heartbreak is it always comes with friends... self-doubt, lack of direction... you never have to fight your way out of one, you gotta fight your way out of all of them.

he'll be fine. he's tough. he may not know it, but i do.

so, without further adieu, here are some words that came out of chris:

The drinking stops... the creativness is gone.. all answers now..losing humor..

This fear keeps me awake. This fear keeps me shut off. Is it a fear I created...?.. It is a fear she started....(no blame is meant..?.I don't know what is true..) I love her more than ever now. I love her with so much passion. I don't know how to show it. I'm to scared. Two years have passed since I began this fear. Two years and that moment still haunts me. I'm always wrong about things.. this shouldn't matter. Two years have gone by and that is enough to prove me completely wrong. If I ask she will say "No". She walked right out of all my dreams and right into my arms... ......but....I am not anything of what she dreamed of. I have to many short-comings. I am three inches too big. I am too skinny. I have no tattoos. I have no piercings. I am not crazy. I am not fun. I need black hair. I need a leather jacket. I need to become everything she has always dreamed of. I need to be the man in her dreams for once. I need to realize this is not true. I need to know that it is more important to be the man in her life. I used to be so jaded. I used to despise anything to do with love. Romance was never appealing. Now it is all I think about. Now I scare myself with empty thoughts just to keep myself from opening. It is so hard how do you get over what you here. I doesn't matter she was drunk. She doesn't even know what she did.....Now I will confront it...(the stupid way...by just writing it instead of telling her).. It was her twentieth birthday. She was set for a big party. She wanted one. She wanted all of her old friends to come. She thought they wouldn't. I said "I'll make sure they'll come." "Just say there will be lots of beer and they will come." Ha. She did sure enough. They all showed up. Now until this night I always knew about the crush she always had on this boy. And until this night it never bothered me. Until .... Now the whole day I spent running around buying all the beer in short on food and beer that night I spent over five hundred dollars. It was worth it even for the bad, to see her so happy with her friends. Now there was a roommate there who looked at me at one point in the night and asked "Why do you look bummed?" My reply was the truth .. was what I saw..."She doesn't even know I'm here."..."What??" ... What I saw again.."The whole night she has been following him around." "She only has asked me all night, twice where did I put my Jed's Pink Lemonade..?."....This is where the regret sets in. He says.."Come on upstairs..I got something that will help." Upstairs was what I thought..a quick fix. Smoke everywhere, five people standing in a circle, passing. I say my story again when asked what the problem is. Plans are now to make me feel better on her night. Plan is now to go skateboarding. Walk downstairs. Grab the damn thing. By the time I make it downstairs it all hits me all together....I need to lay down. They go. I go back. I lay down in her bed. Five minutes go by. Spinning. Sounds. Sickness. It is way to hot. I get up to open the screen and lean my head out of the window..I remember my last thought..."This will be cool if I puke from this high." I don't. It is just to hot. I sit by the window now for and type of breeze. Then I hear a familiar laugh. That beautiful laugh. I think I should go down now. I get up, though only to open the screen and yell down to her to come up. (I'm horny...I'm excited from just hearing her laugh.) But then I hear what I was never meant to....."You know he already broke up with me twice."... I feel like such an ass for doing that to her all I wanted was to never hurt her again. I tell myself she is just drunk having fun with her friends. ... I believe it. "You better break up with him. You know he is just going to keep doing that to you.".... That is a lie....I feel back in love with her.. completely head over heels. Then it all falls apart..."YEAH!! I should."..."You break up with him and go out with Dave.." "Yeah.. I should.. Haha.. Do you know I've had a crush on you forever.." "I should..he's such an asshole..you're so much cuter than he is anyway." ..................................................................................................................................................................................................................This is when. I went, well I tried to go to bed. Hours later she came in after they all left, she laid down next to me. I pushed it all down. She was just drunk and silly....She doesn't believe it herself... She is with me...?. She as horny. I kept trying to push her off. I was so angry. She was too drunk to notice. She forced herself on me. I let it happen. I was too tired to fight. She had her fun. I got angry. Rolled over. Pumped twice and faked it. I pulled my underwear back up. And went to sleep on the living room floor. I left her that night. She never knew...anything....
This is when I never stopped thinking about how she always wanted someone else...I know one day she will break up with me now. I know why she will too. I know she doesn't want me anymore. I was never in her dreams. The moment all of this happened is the moment in my life for the first time ever I was not happy with myself. This is the moment I never felt good enough for her. It's the moment I became jealous of someone else. If I was only him I could make her as happy as I am with her. Both of our dreams would come true..........Now the only moment I don't believe this to be true is when I wake up next to her. It has been 2 years. I have to be wrong ... She doesn't know but I lay there when I wake up waiting to see her that first beautiful moment...She doesn't know that the first thing she ever does when her eyes open is look directly at me and smile......................................I'm so fucking wrong about it all. Why won't this fear go away....I need to tell her.. ..I never will.

***

jeebus that hurts to read. if you want to read more, go here.

i'm off to read some more of FRANNY AND ZOOEY and goto sleep...