sittin' here, alone in my room, trying to figure out what to do with myself. a part of me REALLY wants to lie back and watch all of the production featurettes on the ALIENS dvd (i can't get enough of that stuff -- when its done well). but that's like calling it quits for the day; just laying around and watching movies, when i haven't done a damn bit of work in the last ten days.

its hard for me work when i have no idea if what i am working on will ever come to fruition or not. that is the trouble with projects that are dependent on others. the idea that you can sit and pour yourself into something only to find that nothing ever comes of it. this is a big reason why i am so much of a loner when it comes to my work.

i decided a few days ago that january 21st is DECISION DAY or D-DAY as i've been calling it, because i am a HUGE fucking dork. on D-DAY i will decide if i am going to do a franchise for the scooter store guy or if i am going to stick to my day job and commit to creating my own comics and relaunching my magazine.

i picked up a zine called "RAZORCAKE" today. its alright. i've bought it before. i only bought this issue because the japanese punk band BALZAC are featured in an interview (if they weren't in it, i'd never bother buying it). RAZORCAKE is on its 24th issue. honestly, if a product as MEDIOCRE as RAZORCAKE can continue to limp forward and stay publishing; the craziness that i have inside of me should do just fine in the world.

i watched some of the ALIENS bonus features the other day. there is a part of me that is really yearning for the opportunity to design sets and work on a movie. i've had an idea and story germinating in my head for about four years now, but i can't do anything with it until i have more resources to work with.

a thought i came across when watching the bonus features is that sigourney weaver looks gorgeous in her interview. she just looks so classy. she isn't hiding her age, she is flaunting it. instead of looking fake and covered up, she looks warm and caring. she has wrinkles, but they add to the effect instead of detracting from it.

i don't have the energy for a rant about media and beauty right now, but i will say this: the human body is a magnificent and beautiful thing. if you take care of your body, you WILL look good and age well; if you treat your body like shit and destroy yourself with chemicals and bad food and then try to fix it with plastic surgery to retain some myth of youth that you never really had, then you deserve to look like an atrocity.

shit. i still have no idea what to do with myself.

i want to get so much done by D-DAY but i feel like i'm hovering in a stasis bubble. i want to explode into a project, yet i've gotta keep these options on a slow simmer for about 18 or 19 more days. its hard. it really is.

i have spent (roughly) the last ten days with The Pants. he left last night after dancing. i miss him already. he is probably the only person on the planet who doesn't get on my nerves after a few days. its funny really. on the ride back up to boston, we went about two hours in the car without saying anything. that's just how we are. nothing needs to be said sometimes. no reassurance is ever needed. we were talking about what we were gonna make for dinner the other day and lindsey, my female roommate, just laughed and said "you guys are like a married couple."

and, we are.

if he was a chick it would be awesome. but, then, if he was a chick, we probably wouldn't get along so well, because instead of always being honest with one another, he'd probably just try to fuck with my head and then he'd get mad at me for no reason at all and then he'd start fights with me because i didn't even realize he was mad.

so, its good that he is a guy.

on the other hand, i have been around my male roommate for about two days and i want to slap the kid soooooo hard upside the head that it isn't funny.

still feeling tired and bored.

if i end up working on my magazine and blowing off the scooter store, i will be working REALLY hard on my figure drawing and anatomy skills and i will be on the lookout for models...

so, if any of you (male or female) are interested in modeling (for no pay) for me sometime in february and march, let me know.

shit, i'm still bored and the phone is ringing, i should probably pick it up.