boundcreature

this entry is about some artists whose work HUMBLES me. these are the artists that move me, the artists that drive me forward and inspire me; these are the artists that i am paying homage to when i wake up everyday and try to become a better artist. the artists that are looking over my shoulder when i refuse to do a project half-assed or take shortcuts; the artists who i am treating with honor when i stand my ground with my clients, when i give back deposits or refuse to take jobs because i know they will not treat my work with respect.

i am very vocal about my talent. i think i have a right to be. but, if i thought i was the best artist who ever lived, i would stop. i would have nothing left to achieve. i do not brag, my confidence is matter of fact, if i say that i am the most talented designer who works in my shop, it's because i am. if there was someone better, they would be, but there is not.

lately, i have been a little wrapped up in some opinions that have been expressed about me or implied by friends based on (i guess) a combination of what i write in my journal and how i act. i guess it comes with the territory when you live your life like an open book and do not hide anything. i have found myself trying to understand what they mean, why they say what they do and what i should do about it. none of the things that have been said or implied are new, i have heard similar "complaints" from friends, family and girlfriends for YEARS now.

and, strangely enough, in the last two years i have found myself admitting to the things they said, believing in it, going along with it, whatever...

but really, none of it is true.

i dont believe that i am a jack-ass
i dont believe that i am pretenious.
i dont believe that i am pompous.
i don't believe that i am arrogant.

i do believe that i am talented.
i do believe that i am smart.
i do believe that i've got guts.

i love myself.
i respect myself.
i believe in myself.
i trust myself.

i answer to myself,
and only to myself.

i have self confidence.

i think, deep down, what most of these people want from me is to be humble. but i can't fake being humble; i have to BE HUMBLED. everytime i've ever suppressed my ego, held back, or made less of myself for the benefit of others, i have only hated myself for it; because someone i cared about, who i listened to, tried to make me feel BAD for how i felt about myself so they could feel better about their life.

do i understand humility? have i ever been humbled?

shit yeah.

if i want to be humbled, i'll pick a fight with len galli (my former martial arts instructor)... however, i won't degrade myself by saying that most of the people i trained with over the summer at the Taekwondo school were anywhere near as dangerous as i am.

if i want to be humbled, i will read dave mckean's graphic novel CAGES or look at some of jan tschichold's designs... however, i WILL NOT degrade myself (or my respect for the artists i admire) by saying that the people i work with can even hope to match my level of talent and dedication. or even that they should be allowed to call themselves designers if i too am calling myself a designer. they who do not love it. they who do not have passion for it. they who would rather go home, drink a beer and watch tv than go home and work for six or seven more hours.

i am not arrogant because i back my shit up. i don't lie, i speak the truth and i speak it from my heart. i am humbled on a regular basis by those few people who have something to offer the world; not by those who are just going through the motions demanding things that theyve never earned, worked for or suffered for.

why should i grant anyone respect if they don't earn it? why should i feel shame to accept respect that i have earned?

i am like i am because i work at it.

was i born tough? fuck no, i used to be a HUGE wuss. six years of getting THE LIVING SHIT kicked out of me by gigantic men who hit like goddamn mules made me tough. not quitting made me tough. where i trained, they didnt just hand out blackbelts, i was made to sweat, bleed and cry to earn my belt (literally, i have video).

was i born talented? yeah, a bit. but i've seen people born with natural talent who BLOW ME AWAY my ex-girlfriend (the heartbreaker) and one of my good friends (peter -- he did the "woody" painting in my pics folder) both kick my ass up and down the street. i have cultivated my talent. i have studied and trained myself, forced myself to have the discipline to study theory, draw from anatomy books and go to life-drawing sessions, just so i could always improve. i take on projects i am not qualified for and force myself to get-up-to-speed by the time i bring the project to completion. if i let myself stagnate, my talent would not have improved past the levels it was at in high school.

i am a normal, not entirely bad looking dude, i'm tall, i'm in decent shape and i'm a so-so dancer (shit, i look like a fucking parapalegic when im dancing next to ryan/gasmaskboy, that kids got some moves) but, i am much better than i was when i first started dancing this summer. if i talk to and dance with pretty girls, its because I THINK I AM WORTH DANCING WITH and i move with confidence; not because i am some kind of heaven-sent stud muffin. as if?!

if it seems like i turn one girl aside after another, maybe its because finally, im not desperate and i have the guts to TALK to girls and HANG OUT with them and not settle for someone until i find the one that makes me happy (if you are reading this and its YOU, please call me ).

the one thing i have, the one thing that gives me power, the one thing that drives my every achievement, is self-confidence.

i believe that i can do it; therefore, i can.

i have a friend that gave me shit because i get along with people so easy. he said he could NEVER be like that, thats why he drank, because it made it easier to get along with strangers.

BULLSHIT.

i used to be REALLY shy and REALLY quiet. i get along with people now because i worked REALLY HARD at being comfortable enough with who I AM to start a conversation. if you ever want a good laugh, ask The Pants about the time we went to the MoCCa fest ( a comics convention we did). there was a guests party the night before (for all of the artists) and I DID NOT SPEAK TO ANYONE except The Pants, because i was too shy and too unsure of myself, we even managed to get lost in a very scary section of brooklyn at 1 a.m. because i didnt have the guts to ask someone to show us how to get to the bar where the after-party was being held.

everything that i am is something that i achieved. its taken me a long time to get where i am, to be in a situation where i feel like i can work at a professional level, where i don't doubt myself, where i SMILE and HAVE FUN! i'm living in a great city, i dance twice a week, i see my favorite punk bands (shit, i've interviewed my favorite punk bands); i know wonderful people; i've been dumped by great looking women, y'know what, i don't have everything i want, i'm still frustrated and struggling, but I AM TOTALLY HAPPY WITH MY LIFE and MY SELF and don't think for a motherfucking second that i will act like i am not loving my life and having a great time just so you won't be put-off by who i am.

i am not living my life for you; i am living my life for me.

i tend to make fun of myself. to make it easier on all of you and because i dont take myself SERIOUSLY at all (and, because honestly, i do a TON of stuff that is worth making fun of); because, at the end of the day, i am just a man, like any of you are. i'm not perfect and i make mistakes every twelve minutes or so.

so, don't waste your effort giving me shit, don't bother envying me, i hate to feel that, to feel like i am being envied. i guess some people would think that its a great feeling, to be envied; but, its not a great feeling if you love your friends. i hate to think about them wishing that they could have what i have and NOT REALIZING WHAT THEY HAVE THAT MAKES THEM UNIQUE AND SPECIAL on their own.

i don't feel ENVY.

for anyone.

i am happy with myself, faults and all. if i want something, i take the necessary steps to obtain it. it may take me a few years, but i put my head down and focus and if i REALLY want it, its only a matter of time and effort.

you can't FAKE confidence, you have to HAVE it and that means you have to love yourself, you have to trust yourself and you have to respect yourself. you have to know why you are alive and what you are living for...

and that takes time and soul-searching brother, you can't work that out in an afternoon. i'll show you three full journals and a shitload of books, movies and cd's if you want to see what that looks like.

if you are reading this and you think that you are one of the people that inspired this entry, i'm not mad at you. at all. even slightly. i just wanted you to know this about me. i wanted you to know,

that i'm living my life for the FUN of it.

and i'm asking you, what are you living for?

***

now where was i? oh yes, artists...



my biggest inspiration in the last two years. jan was a german typographer and designer who did most of the work that i love in the 20s and 30s. to some extent, he redefined and modernized typography (along with maholy-nagy, el lissitzky, herbert bayer and others). he wrote manifestos that were brilliant. he took crazy stances and reversed them completely later in his life, backing his NEW stances 100 percent.

his typography and designs show a phenomenal mastery of space, balance, weight and tension. his work is magnificent. if graphic design could give me an erection, his work would do it for me. jan didnt have adobe illustrator, he didnt even have a fucking computer. he drew letters BY HAND and arranged type with metal slugs, leading and rules. bad ass. this was back when being a designer meant you had to be a craftsman, you had to have talent, dedication and a very precise and exacting attention to detail.

shit, look at what he did with two lines of type and white space in that card. fucking phenomenal.



I got a hold of the collected edition of The Crow when I was about 17 or so. It changed my life. It redefined, to me, what comics were capable of as a medium. The depth of beauty and anger within this book bulldozes the movie (and i LOVE the movie).



his fundamental understanding of the human body and anatomy is awesome. his characters LIVE on the page, they are animated in a way like ive never seen before. some of the scenes in this comic make me want to cry. edvin biukovic died of a brain tumor a few years ago he was in his early thirties; he had only completed three limited comics series that were later collected into trade paperback editions. this story was about civil war, edvin and darko macan (the writer) grew up, lived in and created this book in zagreb, croatia. you can tell. oh my crap, you can tell. (coloring by matt hollingsworth).



he made the line his bitch. just look at the fucking lines in this drawing. all guts. no fear. no hesitation. that is how you fucking DRAW. can you imagine making marks on paper like that and knowing how awesome you are (egon knew, if egon had a weblog, he would write stuff like today, i thought about how awesome i am. he once, in a letter, asked his mom how proud she mustve felt for giving birth to someone so talented as himself). if you want something to worship, worship the human form, egon will show you the way.



what more can i say about frank miller. he has such control over the medium (both as an illustrator and a writer). SIN CITY is unmatchable as a crime/noir graphic novel. it just has too much power. the interplay of negative and positive space, the creative use of contours...

i mean, FUCK he made that whole goddamn book with the black ink! there was only black ink and white paper before frank miller got involved! can you imagine the kind of creativity and talent in his head? this must be white, this must be black...

just awesome. just awesome.



dave mckean is a multimedia god. he works in every medium at once and somehow turns it all into comics. you may recognize his style and name from the covers to every issue of SANDMAN and every volume of the various SANDMAN collected editions. in no uncertain terms, dave mckean is the pinnacle of art and innovation in modern comics.



as a team, theyre work was amazing. they are both great separately, but when they worked in tandem (buscema as the penciller/breakdown artsist, chan as the inker/finishing artist) they were unstoppable. my favorite comic book. my first hero. some of the best artwork in the history of mainstream comics. no one made the sheer power of Conan believable like they did. their heroes were powerful, their villains fierce, their monsters horrifying, their women beautiful. no one before or since, in over 75 years (with the possible exception of frank frazetta) has captured conan so truely.



this mans graphic design skills are fucking amazing. it goes right for the throat, just like his music does. its crazy and it bounces and its got a vibe to it. his illustration work is touched by the devil, he has more style than anyone deserves to have. his use of color is so crazed. rob zombie is a guy who would make money no matter what he did. his only flaw as an illustrator and graphic designer is that he is more talented as a filmmaker and performer. shit, ive got this monster tattooed on me for a reason!

***

one day, when i have completely stopped listening to others, when i am no longer whoring myself out to others, when i finally respect myself enough to trust myself, i will be on a list like this. not because of the talent i was born with, but because of what i chose to make of it.

and if i never end up on a list like this, it won't be because i wasn't good enough, it'll be because i didn't work hard enough.

***

i will be in northeastern pennsylvania from 12/26 - 12/29 i will be in new jersey dancing with mydogfarted and crazyanimallady on 12/29; returning home to boston on 12/30. if you are in either area, you should come hang out with me and The Pants.