boundcreature

so i was typing a huge ass update earlier and my stupid-freaking ex-girlfriend sent me an IM with an indication that i should click on the link in the IM so i did and then i lost all of the information because the link activated in the window i was typing in; so what lesson do we learn from this:

never UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES...

listen to anything your ex tells you to do!

(bet you thought i was gonna say don't be a dumbass and click on links).

***

The past is so familiar
But that's why you couldn't stay
Too many ghosts, too many haunted dreams
Beside you were built to find your own way...
But after all these years, I thought we'd still hold on
But when I reach for you and search your eyes
I see you've already gone...

it's strange, i have listened to the song "now and then" by BLACKMORE'S NIGHT about twenty times in the last few days and i just realized tonight, that i have seen a different ex-girlfriend once every day for the last three days. seriously, i'm starting to develop a collection in the city.

tonight was The Heartbreaker, last night was The Dancing Girl and the night before was one you don't know at all; she was the girlfriend before The Heartbreaker. i found out tonight that The Heartbreaker DID leave me for a lame indie-rock guy. i went to talk to her tonight (more to show that i wasn't ignoring her than anything else) and for some reason, he couldn't look directly at me, let alone make eye contact. it was weird. i think he knew, deep down, how much cooler my sideburns are than his. i'm not sure what his issues were; i think he might know who i am, it would be funny if she never mentioned it, but he must know. either that or he's just one of those lame-ass effeminate guys who gets all squirrelly when a guy is talking to his girlfriend.

as a rule, when some dude i don't know is talking with my girlfriend in my presence (whoever she may be) i either wait to be introduced or i introduce myself. i don't do the intimidating guy thing but i also don't do the looking away thing.

That's OK
I'll be fine
I've got myself, I'll heal in time
But when you leave just remember what we had...

besides, she is into HIM not ME. its in the eyes (read those first lyrics up there if you don't believe me). when The Heartbreaker loved me, her eyes were lit-up like a pinball machine whenever they focused on me. her whole face was animated. i knew it was over a month after we broke up when i gave her all of the "heartbreak comics" and i saw nothing in her eyes. i was a stranger to her. i didn't even hug her when i left. i just walked away. tonight she had eyes for HIM; it's her own fault that she's stuck with a short dude with bad sideburns .

There's more to life than just you
I may cry but I'll make it through
And I know that the sun will shine again
Though I may think of you now and then...

it wasn't like that with the other two ex's i ran into this weekend. one ignored my existence (as she usually does) and the other tried to ensnare me with tentacles of sadness and pity... insulting me slyly over and over again yet still searching for some kind of sanction from me; searching for some kind of complement or acknowledgement of the value of the time we spent together. she said we were alright together, it was just bad timing; i felt like that we were horrible together and always would be, the only reason we lasted six months was because we were both too depressed with our lives to even realize how much we hated being together. how on earth could i have lasted six months with someone so VEHEMENTLY opposed to fun?

Can't do a thing with ashes
But throw them to the wind...
Though this heart may be in pieces now
You know I'll build it up again and
I'll come back stronger than I ever did before
Just don't turn around when you walk out that door...

i've only had to recover from two relationships, first was with melissa (the one my mum still wants me to marry) and second was The Heartbreaker. for me to talk to her like i did tonight and like i did last month was an exercise in personal strength. i had to find out what would happen. i had to know that i could talk to her without my voice breaking, without violence towards whoever she was with, without trying to convince her to like me...

i had to talk to her like i was WHOLE. like i was okay being ALONE, fully aware of myself and my place in the world and that i was indifferent to her. i am neither happy or sad to see her, neither angry or forgiving, she is just another person on this planet. i can barely remember what she looked like naked. all of my memories of her are streaked with pain; i do not think there is even one good memory left.

its all in the past. the past already happened. ex-girlfriends are like strings that lead you back to who you were. its okay if the strings follow you, they always will, there will always be some spark of recognition with those certain people that you have shared nights and tears and hopes and fears with; thats natural, to ignore it would be a sign of your own personal fears and weakness and inability to move on; so accept that you will always share something... just don't ever follow the strings back; living in the past is like living life without the element of the unknown.

the unknown is why we wake up every day; the unknown is why we watch movies from beginning to end, why we read books, why you are still reading this journal entry. the overwhelming subconscious question with which we greet every day: what happens next?

knowing what happens next is what makes great storytellers (thanks to david mamet's magnificent book: ON DIRECTING FILM for that lesson). your past is a collection of your own personal stories; i am conscious of my collection; that's why i write so much about my life in this thing.

And even though our stories at the end
I still may think of you now and then...

***

last journal out of boredom i requested than anyone who felt like it leave a question for me to answer, so, even though i did answer them all in the entry that i lost, i'm still really bored, so i'm gonna rewrite it all. the floor is still open if anyone wants to ask a question for the next update.

from mylf: Did you always want to be an artist, or did the younger BK666 have other plans?

this question implies that there were other options for me to consider when being an artist is all that i have ever known. i have been drawing or otherwise creating since i can remember. my mother has told me that when i was a toddler i was so amused and captivated with legos and anything else i could build with, that she would dump a bucket of legos in her bed and put me beside her while she slept through the rest of the morning.

when i was ten years old i discovered MARVEL COMICS; specifically THE MIGHTY THOR and DAREDEVIL. at about the same time, MARVEL COMICS put out a series of trading cards with all of the heroes and villains from their comics universe on them. by the time i was eleven years old i knew that i wanted to write and draw comics for the rest of my life. twelve years later, i still want to write and draw comics more than anything else in the world (just not superheroes anymore; i want to work in autobiography, horror and fantasy).

from MissTyrios: Here's a question - if you could go back in time and change ONE choice that you made, what would it be? What do you think would have been different if you had chosen another option? How has the choice you did make affected your life and the person that you are today?

first off, i don't really believe in regrets. i think if someone harbors regrets, it means that they are not happy with their life as it is and rather than change their present to make a better future, they cry about the past and wait for some unforseen force to change things. so this was a difficult question to answer...

with that said, i would have dropped out of highschool when i was sixteen years old, got my GED and worked part-time while living with my mom and preparing a portfolio to get into art school. of course, at sixteen years old, i did not know enough about the world to make this decision, nor did i have the confidence in myself that i do now.

i'd like to think that if i hadn't wasted those two years in that shithole battling with the administration to be who i wanted to be, battling with my family because i was battling the administration and battling with my own still-developing opinions of myself; that i could've spent all of that time drawing and learning (which, i DID WANT TO DO, more than anything else). its funny. if i drew everyday now, everyone would respect my discipline and commitment. if i study on my own now, without being in any organized educational system, everyone respects my drive and desire to improve myself.

in highschool, i drew EVERY SINGLE DAY (i have something like four or five thousand pages of artwork to prove it) in highschool and i studied all kinds of subjects on my own; and the only thing that happened was that they told me i needed to learn how to focus!

fuck them, i was focusing. when i set my mind on something, i go after it. i am honing my discipline to focus and channel my creativity like a laser.

the choice i did make (though it wasn't really a conscious choice because i did not realize i HAD a choice) has served to show me how cruel, weak and otherwise pathetic of a facade is created first in high school and then perpetuated in college and the business environment. it has made me cold, bitter and a little bit cynical; more frustrated than i care to be and it has pretty much made me the kind of person that IS a punk at heart rather than PRETENDS to be.

from aoife: question: what's one thing all your girlfriends should like? a band, an artist, a movie...something. a litmus test, if you will.

they have to like the movie CONAN THE BARBARIAN; if they don't like it, i don't see why i should be expected to like them. all but one of them has seen it. the sad, mopey girl i mentioned above (who i was depressed with) never watched it and prejudged it. from the majority of people i have talked to, the movie gets this "movies for guys who like movies" wrap because of its long-running rotation on TBS, TNT and USA and also because Arnold Schwarzenegger is in it.

when in reality, if you sit down with the DVD and watch it in widescreen on a good screen, you will see that it is one of the most beautifully colored and magnificently composed films ever shot. the story is powerful and well told, equal parts adventure, self-discovery and metaphor.

it is not a "barbarian" film like THE BEASTMASTER or DEATHSTALKER it is not a fantasy film like the LOTR movies; it is the story of one man who has everything taken away from him; who is crushed by the worlds every action; until one fateful day he is set free in the world to make sense of it for himself. every action taken against him before his adulthood makes him stronger, not weaker; every act of aggression teaches him compassion not bitterness; he become a hero, not a villain.

the metaphor of the film is that conan, the man is shaped by the forces of the world as steel is forged into a sword. when he is given his freedom after the first half-hour of the movie, he is like a sword that has just been quenched (dipped in water to harden the metal; the last step in finishing the sword -- aside from sharpening the blade i think -- don't quote me on this).

and arnold was the perfect actor for this film, because in the beginning of his life; he WAS conan. the single-focus vision of consciously shaping ones self in reaction to the world as opposed to letting ones self be shaped.

if a girl does not have the eyes to see this, if they just see a movie about a dude with huge muscles cutting peoples heads off; then i can't imagine that they would possibly be able to see me past the surface level.

and, if someone was with me just because i am a tall goofy bastard who dresses crazy and dances pretty good; i can't imagine we'd last very long once they realized that i am living my life, striving to shape myself into the greatest man and artist that i could possibly be with every day of my life... and that is just too intense for some people.

:cough: Dancing Girl :cough: Heartbreaker :cough:

***

those were good questions. the floor is still open; you know the rules: i will answer ANY question (non-academic, i'm not into doing homework; think personal or professional) you ask, truthfully in my next update.

PS birdy's current update is AWESOME as usual; go take a look if you haven't already. there is projectile vomiting and its description is AMAZING!