right now, i am kicking the living shit out of this e-commerce website that i am designing; the bitch is on the ropes, barely enough energy to hold its gloves up anymore, if the ref doesn't step in, i'm gonna kill this fucker...
almost one full year ago i was explaining this project to a man i was considering renting studio space from; he claimed that designing e-commerce sites was his business. he refused to believe that i could design this website by myself and coordinate its construction (all the programming) with one other person (The Pants).
well...
fuck you old man, this 23 year old punk rock boy worked his ass off this year and taught himself the fundamentals and mechanics of e-commerce, interface design, usability design, marketing, and business operations. i read about thirty books this year (some of them a couple times). i spent about three weeks in the library. and i've spent more time thinking about this nonsense then any human really needs to. i've watched all of the money i was given get used up on food and rent and bills; i watched as one partner negated all of his duties and then abdicated his position; i watched in awe as i realized the client knew not what he had involved himself in; i powered through when The Pants said it could not be done; i kept my head down, i kept learning, thinking and planning, and now, i am a few weeks away from the finish line.
none of the tasks that i have been performing this year are in my area of expertise, i'm a fucking artist for pete's sake! but, when i think i can do something, i am just a LITTLE bit more tenacious than a pit bull. so, fuck you old man.
i thought i could build an e-commerce site that (in my own words "would combine the approaches of amazon.com with walt disney only, y'know... in the world of motorized scooters."). well, i fucking figured it out and conceived the whole goddamn thing. all i have to do now is layout the site and finish designing the characters...
of course, someone actually has to BUILD the site (sorry Pants) and what i am even more frightened of, is that someone actually has to RUN the site...
i'll stand by my work, any day, especially on this site. what worries me is first, getting the damn thing built, tested and de-bugged and second, for my client to build an infrastructure within his company to run the site with 100% customer satisfaction in mind. if he can do that, he will make me A LOT of money.
i have not permitted myself to think of long range money on this project. for two reasons: first, you should never count on the internet to provide you with money and second, never count on someone else to profit properly off of your hard work and ingenuity. i DO have a fair financial stake in the ownership and income of this website; but it IS dependent on the owners operation of my system; and, of course, that worries the shit out of me.
which is why, after january 2005, i will no longer be breaking my back to build and design for other business-people, i will be commiting myself to the best, most passionate client i could ever reel in:
me (unfortunately, i pay SHIT).
the artist versus the business-person
not sure how many artists read this journal, so i'm not sure how relevant it will be. for the moment, when i say "artists" i'm talking about lifers. i'm not talking about part-timers or weekend painters hoping to make it; i'm talking about the people who have thrown down the gauntlet to say "fuck yeah! i'm an artist, i intend to earn my livelihood through my creative work."
that said, i do not know how someone could be an artist and not be a business-person. when i was a freshman in art school i listened to my classmates whine about how they didn't want to study or read and how they didn't want to learn math and didn't want to deal with REALITY... they just wanted to live in a hole and paint stuff and have some magical deity leave them food out of sheer gratitude for their creative work...
well, i knew that wasn't the REAL world... so i quit. no way was i gonna classify myself with those fuckers. i hated the word artist for a while. i wanted a term that denoted someone who created content-charged visual work and controlled its methods of production...
what i didn't realize at the time (and wouldn't fully discover until i had published the first issue of my magazine and truly discovered what the phrase DIY meant) was i was granting acknowledgement to a dichotomy between an artist and a business-person:
oh! the artist is right-brained he can't do math!
oh! the business-person is left-brained, he can't be creative!
why not? it just takes a little work, doesn't it? i can do anything i set my mind to, can't i... (well, i can, you probably can too)! so, why shouldn't an artist learn basic accounting and business management, one or two years of studying to make sure they don't get ass-raped when dealing with the unscrupulous (and, if you are an artist, that is JUST ABOUT EVERYONE). learn to explore your conscious, rational mind. if you're a business-person, why not get a little more creative, figure out newer and better ways to complete the same old task? learn to explore your subconscious, creative mind.
i spent a whole year (from 20 - 21) studying, thinking, working, trying out all kinds of different projects and allowing myself to be influenced... i became thoroughly inspired primarily by the works of jello biafra, henry rollins and warren ellis. i found that i responded to stories of people who wanted something, and went out and hammered away at it until they DAMN WELL FUCKING GOT IT. these were my heroes.
my heroes were the artists who took personal RESPONSIBLITY and ACCOUNTABILITY for the success and/or failure of their work.
the biggest lesson i learned from punk rock (well, i learned it through living, but it was identified and reinforced by the music and lyrics) is that a man has to stand on his own two feet, with his back straight and look the rest of the world in the eyes. you take responsiblity for your actions. you do not beg for help. if you want something, you earn it. if you have something inside of you, you work to express it.
that year (when i was 20) i painted two murals in two weeks to earn enough money to print 1125 issues of WE MUST BECOME OUR HEROES #1 with a partner. it did very well. on the cusp of our success, my partner bailed. the magazine crashed and burned (i turned it into a website for a few months, but i just couldn't commit to it like i needed to).
i haven't touched the project since then (3 years ago). i have since spent my time either floundering in poverty, hussling design work or studying my ass off (sometimes all three at once). i've sold my plasma for food, i've modeled without my clothes on for food, i lived for six weeks in a scooter store, i've worked for less than i deserve just to make enough to pay my rent (and i was thankful for the opportunity); i've avoided full-time work at all costs just to have time to keep studying and keep learning:
how to communicate.
how to create.
how to promote.
how to profit.
any artist who tells you that accepting money for creativity is "selling out" probably sells his soul everyday of his life.
for me, trading a fair sum of my creative expression and communication skills for the compensation i need to eat and keep a roof over my head is honest. its the only way to be.
there is no art that does not come from reality.
art is not magic.
artists are people, they are just people who are better at expressing themselves than others.
of course, not many people follow these beliefs, and, its after many years of careful thought that i have realised that I AM AN ARTIST and the people i left behind in college ARE NOT.
D.I.Y. or DIE MOTHAFUCKAS!!!
***
oops. that just came out of me...
for those of you who prefer my normal entries and not the "intellectual" bollocks, i have prepared a closing sentence to give you the classic "i-just-read-a-BuckyKatt666-journal-entry" feeling, read this:
i like a girl, she doesn't like me, other girls like me, i'm not sure about them, i like to dance, PUNK ROCK, agghhhh!!!!
that better?
almost one full year ago i was explaining this project to a man i was considering renting studio space from; he claimed that designing e-commerce sites was his business. he refused to believe that i could design this website by myself and coordinate its construction (all the programming) with one other person (The Pants).
well...
fuck you old man, this 23 year old punk rock boy worked his ass off this year and taught himself the fundamentals and mechanics of e-commerce, interface design, usability design, marketing, and business operations. i read about thirty books this year (some of them a couple times). i spent about three weeks in the library. and i've spent more time thinking about this nonsense then any human really needs to. i've watched all of the money i was given get used up on food and rent and bills; i watched as one partner negated all of his duties and then abdicated his position; i watched in awe as i realized the client knew not what he had involved himself in; i powered through when The Pants said it could not be done; i kept my head down, i kept learning, thinking and planning, and now, i am a few weeks away from the finish line.
none of the tasks that i have been performing this year are in my area of expertise, i'm a fucking artist for pete's sake! but, when i think i can do something, i am just a LITTLE bit more tenacious than a pit bull. so, fuck you old man.
i thought i could build an e-commerce site that (in my own words "would combine the approaches of amazon.com with walt disney only, y'know... in the world of motorized scooters."). well, i fucking figured it out and conceived the whole goddamn thing. all i have to do now is layout the site and finish designing the characters...
of course, someone actually has to BUILD the site (sorry Pants) and what i am even more frightened of, is that someone actually has to RUN the site...
i'll stand by my work, any day, especially on this site. what worries me is first, getting the damn thing built, tested and de-bugged and second, for my client to build an infrastructure within his company to run the site with 100% customer satisfaction in mind. if he can do that, he will make me A LOT of money.
i have not permitted myself to think of long range money on this project. for two reasons: first, you should never count on the internet to provide you with money and second, never count on someone else to profit properly off of your hard work and ingenuity. i DO have a fair financial stake in the ownership and income of this website; but it IS dependent on the owners operation of my system; and, of course, that worries the shit out of me.
which is why, after january 2005, i will no longer be breaking my back to build and design for other business-people, i will be commiting myself to the best, most passionate client i could ever reel in:
me (unfortunately, i pay SHIT).
the artist versus the business-person
not sure how many artists read this journal, so i'm not sure how relevant it will be. for the moment, when i say "artists" i'm talking about lifers. i'm not talking about part-timers or weekend painters hoping to make it; i'm talking about the people who have thrown down the gauntlet to say "fuck yeah! i'm an artist, i intend to earn my livelihood through my creative work."
that said, i do not know how someone could be an artist and not be a business-person. when i was a freshman in art school i listened to my classmates whine about how they didn't want to study or read and how they didn't want to learn math and didn't want to deal with REALITY... they just wanted to live in a hole and paint stuff and have some magical deity leave them food out of sheer gratitude for their creative work...
well, i knew that wasn't the REAL world... so i quit. no way was i gonna classify myself with those fuckers. i hated the word artist for a while. i wanted a term that denoted someone who created content-charged visual work and controlled its methods of production...
what i didn't realize at the time (and wouldn't fully discover until i had published the first issue of my magazine and truly discovered what the phrase DIY meant) was i was granting acknowledgement to a dichotomy between an artist and a business-person:
oh! the artist is right-brained he can't do math!
oh! the business-person is left-brained, he can't be creative!
why not? it just takes a little work, doesn't it? i can do anything i set my mind to, can't i... (well, i can, you probably can too)! so, why shouldn't an artist learn basic accounting and business management, one or two years of studying to make sure they don't get ass-raped when dealing with the unscrupulous (and, if you are an artist, that is JUST ABOUT EVERYONE). learn to explore your conscious, rational mind. if you're a business-person, why not get a little more creative, figure out newer and better ways to complete the same old task? learn to explore your subconscious, creative mind.
i spent a whole year (from 20 - 21) studying, thinking, working, trying out all kinds of different projects and allowing myself to be influenced... i became thoroughly inspired primarily by the works of jello biafra, henry rollins and warren ellis. i found that i responded to stories of people who wanted something, and went out and hammered away at it until they DAMN WELL FUCKING GOT IT. these were my heroes.
my heroes were the artists who took personal RESPONSIBLITY and ACCOUNTABILITY for the success and/or failure of their work.
the biggest lesson i learned from punk rock (well, i learned it through living, but it was identified and reinforced by the music and lyrics) is that a man has to stand on his own two feet, with his back straight and look the rest of the world in the eyes. you take responsiblity for your actions. you do not beg for help. if you want something, you earn it. if you have something inside of you, you work to express it.
that year (when i was 20) i painted two murals in two weeks to earn enough money to print 1125 issues of WE MUST BECOME OUR HEROES #1 with a partner. it did very well. on the cusp of our success, my partner bailed. the magazine crashed and burned (i turned it into a website for a few months, but i just couldn't commit to it like i needed to).
i haven't touched the project since then (3 years ago). i have since spent my time either floundering in poverty, hussling design work or studying my ass off (sometimes all three at once). i've sold my plasma for food, i've modeled without my clothes on for food, i lived for six weeks in a scooter store, i've worked for less than i deserve just to make enough to pay my rent (and i was thankful for the opportunity); i've avoided full-time work at all costs just to have time to keep studying and keep learning:
how to communicate.
how to create.
how to promote.
how to profit.
any artist who tells you that accepting money for creativity is "selling out" probably sells his soul everyday of his life.
for me, trading a fair sum of my creative expression and communication skills for the compensation i need to eat and keep a roof over my head is honest. its the only way to be.
there is no art that does not come from reality.
art is not magic.
artists are people, they are just people who are better at expressing themselves than others.
of course, not many people follow these beliefs, and, its after many years of careful thought that i have realised that I AM AN ARTIST and the people i left behind in college ARE NOT.
D.I.Y. or DIE MOTHAFUCKAS!!!
***
oops. that just came out of me...
for those of you who prefer my normal entries and not the "intellectual" bollocks, i have prepared a closing sentence to give you the classic "i-just-read-a-BuckyKatt666-journal-entry" feeling, read this:
i like a girl, she doesn't like me, other girls like me, i'm not sure about them, i like to dance, PUNK ROCK, agghhhh!!!!
that better?
VIEW 25 of 28 COMMENTS
Anyway, thank you for the wonderful comments, it definitely helps to hear from someone who wants something similar in life that maybe what I'm doing right now isn't that terrible, if it brings me closer to what I really want.
And I finished The Fountainhead tonight. Even though I'd read it before I was still just amazed that such a brilliant story could come out of a person, I really can't find fault with any idea proposed in the book, it almost helps in some ways to justify my own position in life, in some weird way. Just like what you said I guess, about thinking of Roark working for Snyte, and how even a person like that was able to do that in order to survive.