boundcreature

first and foremost, thanks to everyone who answered my request in the previous journal, if you don't know what i'm talking about, please go back one entry.

this boy done gone girl crazy!

a few nights ago i saw LARS FREDERIKSEN & THE BASTARDS at axis in boston. the all ages shows that happen in this city on lansdowne street (axis, avalon, etc) always start around 5:30 - 6:00 and end before you know it...

so, i buggered out of work ten minutes early and made it down to the fenway area to meet up with a girl named cassi.

cassi is my roommate lindsey's friend and classmate. we have been corresponding with one another THROUGH LINDSEY for about two months now. it all started when lindsey borrowed one of my sidebags to take to school and cassi saw my misfits "fiend club" patch. turns out, she has a misfits tattoo. next thing you know, we're like best friends, except for one small detail:

WE HAVE NEVER MET, EMAILED or SPOKEN ON THE PHONE!!!

so, lindsey made her call me and i invited her to piss off from school (she goes to New England School of Photography in kenmore) for a few hours and throw down to some punk rock with me.

i met her outside the club, she was leaning up against the wall, smoking a cigarette in her leopard print jacket lookin' all bad ass. looked just like the picture that lindsey took of her... only, in color. so, i introduce myself and talk her into going to the show even though she doesn't want to spend the money.

we get to know each other inside. she's fun. she's cool. she's wearing a homemade t-shirt that says "mommy, what's a sex pistol?"

ROGER MIRET & THE DISASTERS open the show to very little audience excitement (fucking underage weekend punks not knowing that ROGER MIRET is the frontman of AGNOSTIC FRONT and that they should be fucking bowing to the stage). Their new material was MUCH better than their old and i did a little dancing. they played a great cover of "gotta go" by AGNOSTIC FRONT as well as closing their set with the A-F version of "crucified" and their rendition of "england belongs to me" which they do as "new york belongs to me" but, that night, they played as "boston belongs to me." i caught cassi mouthing the words when i was dancing. cool.

i had been looking forward to seeing THE BASTARDS just because i wanted to hear something loud and fast, because i love their first album and because they do a cover of "for you" by (my 2nd favorite punk band) ANTI-NOWHERE LEAGUE on their new album.

now, in all honesty, based on most everything i've ever heard him say, i think lars frederiksen is a steak-head. but, 1/3 of his songs are really soulful and well-written (the other 2/3 are either silly, irrelevant or somewhat indicative of being written by a steak-head). but, for some reason i'm drawn to his music (moreso than i am to his RANCID stuff, though i do like RANCID) so i figured i should give him a chance.

the band came out and right from the get-go they weren't fucking around. they threw down, big time! we're talking a wall of sound and a heart-pumping tempo driving the songs straight into the fucking crowd. the mall-punks were finally getting worked into a frenzy and the whole thing was primed to explode. they played a fair selection of material off of their two albums as well as hitting lots of great covers.

turns out lars is pretty funny and really cool to watch in-between songs. his banter is odd, somewhat charming and completely opposite of the bullshit he sings in some of the songs on the new album. i dunno, i guess you'd have to know him personally to make sense of him.

during "to have and to have not" (the BILLY BRAGG cover) i looked off to the side of the pit to see my show-partner for the night pumping her fist and singing along. rock. and later, as i was chilling out after some fast tune, lars screamed into the microphone "FOR YOU! I SHALL GIVE!" and i pushed a couple kids right out of my way and dove right into the thick of the dancing. of course, none of these fuckers seemed to know the song, despite it being a punk rock classic and nearly 25 years old, so after the first chorus, i had THE ENTIRE CIRCLE PIT to myself cuz they all sissied out.

so, i asked myself (as i commonly do in times of confusion) what would BILLY IDOL do?

and so, i danced, by myself, for the whole song. it was awesome. i was like a fucking lunatic. i was jumping into the air on every chorus and skanking like a rudeboy through every verse. fucking fun. cassi must've thought i was nuts.

but, that is where i am most alive. in the thick of it all. its like i am an automaton working gradually through the routine of day-to-day existence, but when i hear the guitars, when i hear the drums and when i hear some dude screaming his heart out, then a flip gets switched and i'm living at the tips of all of my nerve ends: stripped down to my bare existence:

all that i know is every bit of pain, anger, dissapointment, resentment, bitterness and fear i feel for the entirety of the world, is being released through my body, the energy is coursing through me, cleaning out all of the bad in an awesome rush of everything that humanity is capable of.

i try so hard to live at the heart of it all. no lies to myself. no lies to others. what is real? what is happening? what do i feel, what do i want? i want do dance like its a joyous celebration of being in possession of a body, i want to kiss like nothing warm and soft ever met her lips until she met me, i want to fuck until it all ends in primal screaming and weakned limbs, i want to push until i have nothing left to give and collapse with a smile on my face, because although my body is racked and suffering, i know that i gave it everything i had...

i smile cuz i don't go half-way. i don't think less of myself and i don't deny what i feel. i don't run from pain and i don't pretend that i am not just as sad or scared or confused or fucked-up as the rest of you. but i'm feeling it all and i'm living it all and i'm thinking about it all...

and, all of this comes out when its time to kick out the jams motherfuckers!

so, wrap all of that into a tall boy in pin-striped pants and a sleeveless punk shirt dancing like a maniac...

and that is what my friend cassi met for the first time. luckily, she didn't run away screaming, not even after she caught me wiping my nose on my gloves (well, i mean, i wasn't trying to hide it or anything, i did do it right in front of her ).

***

dancing tonight was great. i danced alot and that makes it THREE times this week that i danced myself into exhaustion. i danced with a really cute blonde-haired girl who was giving me the T.V. EYE (if you get that reference you are cool). i was standing by her when all of a sudden, none other than "dancing with myself" by BILLY IDOL comes rockin' out of the speakers and i flew off to the ramp thingee to dance (where mere seconds later i was joined by The Pants). afterwards, this blonde girl was still giving me the EYE even though some dude was trying to put the moves on her, so i walked up and:

BuckyKatt666: why didn't you dance by yourself? are you not comfortable? do you need someone to dance with?
Blonde Girl: haha. there were so many people, i didn't know where to dance...
BuckyKatt666: BILLY IDOL wrote that song for us so we could dance by ourselves and here you were STANDING by yourself!
Blonde Girl: well, i didn't feel comfortable dancing on the stage.
BuckyKatt666: i see... but, really, "dancing with myself" is a celebration of the joys of dancing ALONE, you should've cast aside your inhibitions to dance.
Blonde Girl: (giving me the: i-can't-believe-he's-real face) hahahaha.
BuckyKatt666: i'm jordan, by the way.
Blonde Girl: elizabeth.
Jordan: i'd shake your hand, but these gloves are absolutely disgusting.
Elizabeth: GROSS!
Jordan: yeah... i'm a charmer.

cue the B-52's...

Jordan: gotta dance!

so, i dance through that song and she keeps smiling at me, so when the next song, a slow ditty, comes on, i wave her onto the dancefloor with me and we dance and its fun and she doesn't try the knee-leg humpy move that so many people seem to be so fond of. she knew how to dance and be sexy.

Jordan: thanks for dancing with me even though i am a gross sweaty boy.
Elizabeth: you don't have to apologize.
Jordan: oh, i wasn't apologizing, i am comfortable with my gross-sweaty-boyness.
Elizabeht: well... you sounded apologetic.
Jordan: no, i meant to be thankful in regards to the grossness.
Elizabeth: oh. well, then... you're welcome.
Jordan: thanks. oh, and thanks also for not doing that leg-humping thing.
Elizabeth: (once again makes the: i-can't-believe-he's-real face) hahaha. no problem.

after the song, the dorky boyfriendy type guy who she was with came to claim her and they fucked-off to dance together somewhere. i'm pretty sure she was actually into chicks, so he may have just been a friend, but, regardless i like the idea of someone coming to take a girl off of my hands once i've finished dancing with her. leaves less hassle for me to deal with.

***

so, this elizabeth bird was cute and miss cassi was cute AND a blast to hang out with, but, i'm not thinkin' much of anything about girls. i'm holding off on kissin' anyone until it seems like the only thing in the world i should do to the only person in the world i want to do it to.

i was toying with the idea of becoming a man-whore for a little while, but, nah. i don't actually like meaningless sex enough to justify actually having TO TALK to the kind of women who would throw that stuff in my face so easily.

so...

i'm on strike. i'm gonna keep meeting people and having fun and going on first date until it seems like i want to stop doing all of those things.

someone i know reminded me of just how much it means to me to ACTUALLY care about someone and to ACTUALLY be attracted to and respect someone, so, even though she's got to follow her heart in a completely different direction, i know that i should just chill out here until someone makes me feel good things like that again.

in other news, the ex-girlfriend (the dancing girl) looked really hot tonight. its too bad that she and i couldn't work out the age difference problem, and also that every single one of my beliefs was diametrically opposed to every single one of hers... i'll tell you though, there were about fourteen or fifteen hours scattered throughout our time together where i really enjoyed being her boyfriend.

***

thanks to blondie and strio for throwing such a fun party saturday night. i finally got to meet The_Alchemist and Saturnalia (who are both rad) and to fulfill a lifelong dream of playing twister with topless men while dressed as THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR.

there will be pictures. oh yes, there will be pictures.

consider yourselves warned...