a little sleepy all of a sudden, enthusiasm slipping out of me like the sandy-filling of a punctured stuffed toy...
i'm up to my elbows in the notes, sketches and research i created while working on the scooter store e-commerce website in the last year... all i can think about is that i let myself be exploited.
sure, i did get a small pile of money in january 2004 and that got me through a VERY hard time at the beginning of the year; but now, its december and the site will not be finished until january 2005 and i have to accept the fact that one whole year of my life was dedicated to someone else's company, someone's elses dream, someone else's vision...
but, its not even that clean of an exploitation. the client has no dream, has no vision... they were all my ideas. my ideas and his fever-dreams of mad money falling from the internet into his lap. he never realized what kind of project this was, how involved it would be to design and build something of this magnitude, he gave me no help, no back-up...
and what did i do?
i took ALL of the weight of the project onto my shoulders and set about learning how to do EVERY SINGLE JOB to get the site online. i have read close to thirty books in the last year and a half while preparing my notes and working on the project, all to round out my knowledge base in areas that the customer was not forthcoming (which was everywhere).
the site was supposed to go online in june 2004.
it was not until september 2004 that the client even told me what was going to GO in the store, what were the products, how they were to be arranged, etc...
this whole year i've been covering his ass. wondering why this project is taking so long...
fuck. its depressing really, but its kind of amusing to look back on the last year and see that while i've pretty much allowed his website and company to DESTROY me financially, i never gave in, never let up on my dedication to the project. i've been like a pit bull since day one, everything i didn't know i taught myself, every solution that i didn't like, i reworked... i did not accept anything i did not approve of...
and i layed the ground work for an absolutely brilliant website.
only problem is,
he has to run it,
not me.
and i wonder, is he capable of running something i created? does he have the vision and creativity to take NOTHING and turn it into SOMETHING? can he take ideas on paper and turn it into a fully-functional operating system?
and thats when i realized i should quit 8 months ago. i should've quit when i knew he was fucking me. but i had too much honor and pride to walk away from a project that i had been payed for. so, i just did EVERYTHING, my job, his job and his partners job.
and now its almost done,
and my head hurts,
and i'm tired,
and i am filled with hate and bitterness
and the most profound contempt
for someone who could never go the distance like i could.
one year of my life,
purchased for around 9,000 dollars.
how many comics could i draw in one year?
how much effort could i have put into a design business?
how much money could i have made at the sign shop?
but,
and i truly believe this,
regrets are for pussies.
i made a commitment, i will see it through to the end, no matter what it does to me.
and then,
i am free.
this will be the kind of freedom that one dreams about.
there is another job on the horizon for this client and i may take it, but only if he meets my terms (which, at this point, are getting kinda crazy, but fuck him, right?). if he doesn't, i walk away.
this was an important year. this year i learned to respect and value my time, energy and creativity. i fight so hard not to whore the best of myself to the sign shop for my rent, meanwhile i roll-over like a tipsy slut for the scooter store client...
life is beautiful, one should not walk through it so bitter and frustrated like i have for the last year. one should not have to live in a constant state of compromise, with all of their hopes and dreams a distant beacon that gets them through each grueling day.
i am operating at about 15 percent of what i am capable of, this, more than anything else, is the thought that crushes me the most.
2004 will go down as one of the single hardest years of my life (with 2003 still the reigning champion)...
but, i have a good feeling about 2005, because the last two years of misery, frustration and broken dreams have showed me just how much certain things mean to me.
i feel like i can begin living my life like it matters.
i'm up to my elbows in the notes, sketches and research i created while working on the scooter store e-commerce website in the last year... all i can think about is that i let myself be exploited.
sure, i did get a small pile of money in january 2004 and that got me through a VERY hard time at the beginning of the year; but now, its december and the site will not be finished until january 2005 and i have to accept the fact that one whole year of my life was dedicated to someone else's company, someone's elses dream, someone else's vision...
but, its not even that clean of an exploitation. the client has no dream, has no vision... they were all my ideas. my ideas and his fever-dreams of mad money falling from the internet into his lap. he never realized what kind of project this was, how involved it would be to design and build something of this magnitude, he gave me no help, no back-up...
and what did i do?
i took ALL of the weight of the project onto my shoulders and set about learning how to do EVERY SINGLE JOB to get the site online. i have read close to thirty books in the last year and a half while preparing my notes and working on the project, all to round out my knowledge base in areas that the customer was not forthcoming (which was everywhere).
the site was supposed to go online in june 2004.
it was not until september 2004 that the client even told me what was going to GO in the store, what were the products, how they were to be arranged, etc...
this whole year i've been covering his ass. wondering why this project is taking so long...
fuck. its depressing really, but its kind of amusing to look back on the last year and see that while i've pretty much allowed his website and company to DESTROY me financially, i never gave in, never let up on my dedication to the project. i've been like a pit bull since day one, everything i didn't know i taught myself, every solution that i didn't like, i reworked... i did not accept anything i did not approve of...
and i layed the ground work for an absolutely brilliant website.
only problem is,
he has to run it,
not me.
and i wonder, is he capable of running something i created? does he have the vision and creativity to take NOTHING and turn it into SOMETHING? can he take ideas on paper and turn it into a fully-functional operating system?
and thats when i realized i should quit 8 months ago. i should've quit when i knew he was fucking me. but i had too much honor and pride to walk away from a project that i had been payed for. so, i just did EVERYTHING, my job, his job and his partners job.
and now its almost done,
and my head hurts,
and i'm tired,
and i am filled with hate and bitterness
and the most profound contempt
for someone who could never go the distance like i could.
one year of my life,
purchased for around 9,000 dollars.
how many comics could i draw in one year?
how much effort could i have put into a design business?
how much money could i have made at the sign shop?
but,
and i truly believe this,
regrets are for pussies.
i made a commitment, i will see it through to the end, no matter what it does to me.
and then,
i am free.
this will be the kind of freedom that one dreams about.
there is another job on the horizon for this client and i may take it, but only if he meets my terms (which, at this point, are getting kinda crazy, but fuck him, right?). if he doesn't, i walk away.
this was an important year. this year i learned to respect and value my time, energy and creativity. i fight so hard not to whore the best of myself to the sign shop for my rent, meanwhile i roll-over like a tipsy slut for the scooter store client...
life is beautiful, one should not walk through it so bitter and frustrated like i have for the last year. one should not have to live in a constant state of compromise, with all of their hopes and dreams a distant beacon that gets them through each grueling day.
i am operating at about 15 percent of what i am capable of, this, more than anything else, is the thought that crushes me the most.
2004 will go down as one of the single hardest years of my life (with 2003 still the reigning champion)...
but, i have a good feeling about 2005, because the last two years of misery, frustration and broken dreams have showed me just how much certain things mean to me.
i feel like i can begin living my life like it matters.
VIEW 8 of 8 COMMENTS
I don't do anything now!
Yeah boredom isn't something I usually suffer from, it takes a lot for me to get like this, I think I need to get laid.
Down with Christmas, I am serious about my hatred of it. It puts so much pressure on people emotionally with family and financially