boundcreature

soooo....

SG Cabaret was Saturday night and I guess now is as good a time as any to drop the update bomb on yas mothafuckas.

I slept pretty late Saturday after staying up pretty late Sunday working on the scooter store website (doing research: F.Y.I. according to my standards -- the only ones that matter -- starbucks has a great fucking website) and watching the Van Damme classic DEATH WARRANT. So, I got up Saturday and made some CD-R's for Mr. FullNelson and Ms. Granny.

granny arrived shortely thereafter, raving about a wheelchair and brandishing ham glaze and red acrylic paint, hinting at some kind of mad scheme for later in the night. TheFullNelson picked us up a little later and we drove about four minutes across Boston to pick up gasmaskboy, quiescence and q's lady sara. then we rocked it down the mass pike to woosta for SG Cabaret!

we got there early, granny was all like "i'm soooo important so i get to go in for FREE while you guys have to stay out here and be cold." undaunted, we went across the street and ate pizza. had i known what was going to transpire, i would not have eaten pizza.

upon entering, i got to meet a very large pile of SGBoston regulars (you know who you are) as well as getting my bi-monthly minimalism fix and getting to meet the perpetually-cool-t-shirt wearing derceto. pip introduced me to poison who is TERRIBLY, TERRIBLY attractive and i think said something about how if i was a stripper i would only dance to the alice cooper song "POISON." at that point, i felt it would be best to "just walk away" as they say...

i did not meet TOO many people, because i was in a completely stupid mood and i just didn't have anything to say really. so i mostly just wandered around the people i already knew (its not like THEY don't rock enough).

so, at this point, no one has told me that the bands were going to be cool, so i find out that bailey's boyfriends band COLIN OF ARABIA were going to be playing misfits covers and that right after them, spooky-surf-rockers gein and the grave robbers were gonna play.

so, you should know one thing about me, is that i am an insanely huge misfits-dork, so if even a guy on the street corner is gonna hum "death comes ripping" i'm gonna slam in the streets.... you put a whole band on stage and let them bust into "skulls" and my ass is gonna be all over the place! that's just how it goes. so that was totally fun. very few people knew what they were doing, and i ended up getting hit in the mouth and losing part of a filling, but really, it was totally fun. the floor was covered in beer so i fell down a lot and it was just reckless crazy for a bit. at one point,bailey picked up another SG and started flying around the pit like a WRECKING BALL OF HOT! that was pretty funny. all good. EXTRA-SPECIAL thanks to pip for moving the goddamn stool that some RETARD through into the pit out of the way before i fell over it.

of course, my belly was full of pizza, so i felt completely sick for the rest of the night.

i promised to introduce myself to diedianne but i couldn't find her (apparently she WAS there, but i ended up introducing myself to someone who WASN'T her). there was this girl looking at me and i totally thought it was her and she was giving me that "you look sorta like your profile pic but i'm not sure if i should introduce myself to you look." of course, it was not that look, it was the "i think you are cute, you big dumb silly punk rock boy in fishnets" look .

I went up to her and this conversation followed:

ME: hi. are you you?
HER: what?!
ME: you look like diedianne, are you her?
HER: what? no...
ME: oops. i'm sorry, you look like someone i know, but without glasses.
HER: oh. sorry.
(awkward pause)
ME: well, i'm jordan.
HER: clarissa.
ME: nice to meet you.
HER: yeah, same here.
ME: so, you live around her?
HER: yeah.
ME: i live in boston.
HER: cool.
ME: that last band was neat. don't mind the boy-sweat.
HER: yeah, they were pretty cool.
ME: hm, this is about as good as i get at converation, so i'm gonna stop now before i blow it. i think i did pretty good.
HER: yeah, you did good.

i excused myself to go dance and luckily she didn't press the attraction issue too much, or else i would've had to have granny, the best fake-girlfriend ever, represent all up in her shit. yo.

she was cute though. i'm gonna start keeping a tally of cute girls i am turning down so i'm can remember just how stupid i am when i am older and totally less attractive.

SGCabaret itself was awesome. rocket and fallacy were great, but oh-so-wrong. april was totally sexy and had BOOBY-TASSLES. sid was totally styling. TOTALLY. and then, of course, it had to happen, fetish had to totally try and dirty-up the cuteness factor of my dear MOST ULTIMATEST teammate granny; TheFullNelson and I managed to cover our eyes for most of the dirty parts, but i do have to admit, that their performance was great. oh, and bailey's SANTA BABY was awesome.

next morning we got up around noon and me and the aforementioned granny made our way down to Boylston Street for Brunch with minimalism, derceto, fenchurch and kipfatal. Granny was totally pissed about their lack of cantaloupe, but after we got over this hurdle, we had a very awesome meal and i got to try my hand as a professional bowling commentator with fenchurh and kipfatal (both of whom are totally cool).

on the way home, granny (who had been skipping for a few blocks) enlightenened me with this bit of wisdom:

"skipping in place is like doing the reverse moonwalk."

***

oh, and one more SG Cabaret story: i lost a dance-off to projectWARBEAST after three rounds when he dropped the macarena bomb (next time, i'm gonna reverse moonwalk all over your armored ass).