*** WARNING: INCREDIBLY SELF-ABSORBED UPDATE AHEAD ***
so, i got up and worked all day (like a good boy) and come 10:30 pm i got to thinking that i should be at the goth club dancing the night away, so, i hopped into the shower, into some tight pants and a stripey shirt and off i went!
not ten seconds after entering the club, i walk right behind the girl who i have been avoiding for almost a whole month now, ever since i told her on the phone that i am an asshole who has very little time for her and nothing to offer should i have time anyway. i thought that would be the end of things, but, she managed to call or email me every other day for about two weeks, and then every three to six days for the last three weeks. i guess i could've emailed her back and told her to piss of blatantly, but i had developed a morbid fascination with her apparent lack of self-respect.
i did not want to tell her that the night she and i hung out (and made-out, etc) was the ONLY time i ever felt disgusted with myself afterward, and just the mere thought of that encounter makes me uneasy.
i had hung out with her for one full night and i (stupidly) let things get out of hand even though i knew i had no interest in her whatsoever, and that any conversation she had to offer was going to be miles away from anything that interested me or that i could reciprocate. when we finally talked a week or two later i was clear with her and told her i didn't have time for friends and i could turn into a complete asshole and basically that i had no interest except in myself.
for some reason, she took this as a challenge.
so, tonight, i stood around for a few songs and didn't want to dance to any of them and she never came up to me (and i was happy about it), then, THE VERY FUCKING SECOND i start dancing to INXS (i need you tonight) she comes over to talk. I AM FUCKING DANCING!!! THERE IS NO TALKING TO ME WHEN I AM DANCING!!! THATS AN EVEN BIGGER SIN THEN TRYING TO TALK TO ME WHEN I AM ON THE TOILET OR SOMETHING!!! so, needless to say i was not happy about this. in short, here is our conversation:
HER: hi
ME: (nods)
HER: i just wanted to see if it was you
ME: it is.
HER: i feel awkward.
ME: why?
HER: because you never called me back.
ME: well, then don't you think that i'm the one who should feel awkward?
HER: do you?
ME: no.
HER: why?
ME: well, i'm gonna have to plead asshole on this one.
at this point, i resume dancing, and head up to dance in the cage when NEW ORDER (blue monday) comes up next. i think thats it with her. later on, she sneak attacks me again (thankfully not on the dance floor).
HER: so, do you want me to keep talking to you?
(at this point, i contemplate asking why someone who hung out with me once, has committed over a month of her time to someone who has no interest in her and has, at the very least, just been a giant inconsiderate asshole... i decide that i am not responsible for teaching her self-respect).
ME: listen, i do not want anything from you and i have nothing to offer you. there is just nothing.
HER: oh.
ME: i was not trying to be cute before. i can be a huge asshole.
HER: i see that now.
ME: sorry.
HER: i have never met anyone like you.
ME: i know. i get that a lot.
after that, the conversation peters out and i walk away.
***
later, i am enjoying the night, dancing by myself, etc.
i see a girl that is so hot, that i actually stare at her. i mean, she was no odette, but still, she was hot.
she smiles at me.
i give her the confused chimpanzee look.
she smiles again.
she comes to talk to me.
i suck at talking to her, but she is putting her face real close to mine (cheeks touching) and its pretty sexy so i do my best to maintain some level of conversation. and then, suddenly, GARY NUMAN (cars) comes on and i tell her that I MUST DANCE. i walk up into the cage and she follows me. this is where i begin to blow it:
HER: could i dance with you, or should i just watch?
WHAT I SHOULD HAVE SAID:
a. i'd love to dance with you.
b. whichever you prefer (with smile)
c. pull her in and start dancing
d. tell her she should do whatever she wants in such a condescending manner that she actually walks out of the cage and leaves.
so, we all know i chose D right?
anyway, i ran into her again much later DURAN DURAN (rio) had just come on and it was like a sign from god (or gumbercules) to go make with the sexy for this girl. so i did.
it was fucking hot!
seriously, this girl was so waaayyy out of my league. it was "normal" night at the goth club, and this girl was normal (as in, not attached fetishistically to some subculture and/or not an artist, dancer, etc). she looked like an almagamation of every single girl i had a crush on, but was terrified of speaking to in highschool. my point is of course, that she dances like a "normal" girl, with all of that bumping and grinding, etc.
i, of course, am a punk rock boy, and do not roll that way.
luckily, it was DURAN DURAN so i was able to a sexy kind of dance real close to her and only touch her when it seemed like a sensous thing to do (like if our faces brushed together or somethin').
there was just all kinds of sexiness going on, but it was definitely awkward, because i just don't go in for that bumpy-grindy stuff and i'm sure she was wondering what was wrong with me. i mean, hell it could certainly be easy to actually DO IT, but once again, i don't roll that way.
we talk a little more and she invites me to a party.
(now, lets catch up here: she is a professional woman, older than me, with a career thingee, a pile of hot friends and a sexy scarf. i am a dirt poor punk rock artist boy with a heart of gold. i do not "party" well. i don't drink or take drugs, so i mostly just sit around and look at people, or make conversation if i am not being condescending and assuming i am better than everyone. i felt it was only fair to warn her of this).
ME: so, i'm gonna have to be honest here, i'm a poor punk rock artist boy.
HER: i know lots of artists.
ME: yeah, but i'm GOOD.
HER: (laughs)
ME: (gives her, "i was serious" look).
the conversation sort of ends and i'm on the dance floor for THE RAMONES (i wanna live), BUZZCOCKS (what do i get) and DEAD KENNEDY'S (too drunk too fuck).
punk rock boys belong on the dance floor skanking to punk rock, not talking to absolutely beautiful girls at the bar. i feel very strongly about this.
afterwards, i told her i was gonna get my shit and she said she was gonna go to the party and it was obvious that i had mucked something up. i got my shit and left. i saw her on the way out and she gave me a smile and walked away. i realized that i was walking home the way i would if i was walking madichon home, not the way i should if i wanted to get home, so i turned around and ran into her again, and she completely ignored me. i think she thought i was gonna make some kind of belated move.
she was with one of her hot friends and these two lame guys. i say this not out of bitterness. in all honesty, i could've had this girl in a heartbeat, but i walked away from it. i say they were lame, because they were. remember that scene in GHOST WORLD? the one where they are looking at the "cute" boys and the one says "who's up for some reggae tonight?" and the girls get disgusted? well, it was those guys.
the world that this girl inhabited and the one that i call home are miles apart. and i just wasn't in the mood to bridge the gap. there is a certain kind of freedom in walking away from an absolutely beautiful girl. its proof that i control my actions. i may be assuming too much, but, in all honesty, what could have happened between us? she was out to party and have fun, i was out to dance, walk home listening to VENOM and fall asleep watching a movie.
i could've asked for her number, but would've had nothing to say.
i could've tried to date her, and would have nothing to do together (i doubt her interests included punk shows and/or horror movies EVERY night).
so, i put VENOM into my disc man and played the three songs i've been waiting to hear all night (at war with satan, countess bathory and black metal).
i like being me.
really. i do.
i didn't always. honestly, five years ago i would've cut off one of my nipples just for the CHANCE to talk to a girl like i walked away from tonight.
but now.
i have that thing, what do you call it?
oh yeah, confidence.
and that other thing...
what was it?
oh yeah,
self-respect.
besides, i totally have the hots for odette anyway.
***
oh, and if you didn't see them, go look in the last update for my horror convention pics.
oh, and one other thing:
LAY DOWN YOUR SOUL TO THE GOD'S ROCK N' ROLL!!!
***
edited to include an email i just received from the girl:
"I just wanted to say that I'm cool with what we talked about earlier. I basically just wanted to fuck you. I wasn't looking for a best friend or any heavy emotional involvement. I hope things start getting better for you. Take it easy."
what the fuck? just...
what the fuck.
girls.
so, i got up and worked all day (like a good boy) and come 10:30 pm i got to thinking that i should be at the goth club dancing the night away, so, i hopped into the shower, into some tight pants and a stripey shirt and off i went!
not ten seconds after entering the club, i walk right behind the girl who i have been avoiding for almost a whole month now, ever since i told her on the phone that i am an asshole who has very little time for her and nothing to offer should i have time anyway. i thought that would be the end of things, but, she managed to call or email me every other day for about two weeks, and then every three to six days for the last three weeks. i guess i could've emailed her back and told her to piss of blatantly, but i had developed a morbid fascination with her apparent lack of self-respect.
i did not want to tell her that the night she and i hung out (and made-out, etc) was the ONLY time i ever felt disgusted with myself afterward, and just the mere thought of that encounter makes me uneasy.
i had hung out with her for one full night and i (stupidly) let things get out of hand even though i knew i had no interest in her whatsoever, and that any conversation she had to offer was going to be miles away from anything that interested me or that i could reciprocate. when we finally talked a week or two later i was clear with her and told her i didn't have time for friends and i could turn into a complete asshole and basically that i had no interest except in myself.
for some reason, she took this as a challenge.
so, tonight, i stood around for a few songs and didn't want to dance to any of them and she never came up to me (and i was happy about it), then, THE VERY FUCKING SECOND i start dancing to INXS (i need you tonight) she comes over to talk. I AM FUCKING DANCING!!! THERE IS NO TALKING TO ME WHEN I AM DANCING!!! THATS AN EVEN BIGGER SIN THEN TRYING TO TALK TO ME WHEN I AM ON THE TOILET OR SOMETHING!!! so, needless to say i was not happy about this. in short, here is our conversation:
HER: hi
ME: (nods)
HER: i just wanted to see if it was you
ME: it is.
HER: i feel awkward.
ME: why?
HER: because you never called me back.
ME: well, then don't you think that i'm the one who should feel awkward?
HER: do you?
ME: no.
HER: why?
ME: well, i'm gonna have to plead asshole on this one.
at this point, i resume dancing, and head up to dance in the cage when NEW ORDER (blue monday) comes up next. i think thats it with her. later on, she sneak attacks me again (thankfully not on the dance floor).
HER: so, do you want me to keep talking to you?
(at this point, i contemplate asking why someone who hung out with me once, has committed over a month of her time to someone who has no interest in her and has, at the very least, just been a giant inconsiderate asshole... i decide that i am not responsible for teaching her self-respect).
ME: listen, i do not want anything from you and i have nothing to offer you. there is just nothing.
HER: oh.
ME: i was not trying to be cute before. i can be a huge asshole.
HER: i see that now.
ME: sorry.
HER: i have never met anyone like you.
ME: i know. i get that a lot.
after that, the conversation peters out and i walk away.
***
later, i am enjoying the night, dancing by myself, etc.
i see a girl that is so hot, that i actually stare at her. i mean, she was no odette, but still, she was hot.
she smiles at me.
i give her the confused chimpanzee look.
she smiles again.
she comes to talk to me.
i suck at talking to her, but she is putting her face real close to mine (cheeks touching) and its pretty sexy so i do my best to maintain some level of conversation. and then, suddenly, GARY NUMAN (cars) comes on and i tell her that I MUST DANCE. i walk up into the cage and she follows me. this is where i begin to blow it:
HER: could i dance with you, or should i just watch?
WHAT I SHOULD HAVE SAID:
a. i'd love to dance with you.
b. whichever you prefer (with smile)
c. pull her in and start dancing
d. tell her she should do whatever she wants in such a condescending manner that she actually walks out of the cage and leaves.
so, we all know i chose D right?
anyway, i ran into her again much later DURAN DURAN (rio) had just come on and it was like a sign from god (or gumbercules) to go make with the sexy for this girl. so i did.
it was fucking hot!
seriously, this girl was so waaayyy out of my league. it was "normal" night at the goth club, and this girl was normal (as in, not attached fetishistically to some subculture and/or not an artist, dancer, etc). she looked like an almagamation of every single girl i had a crush on, but was terrified of speaking to in highschool. my point is of course, that she dances like a "normal" girl, with all of that bumping and grinding, etc.
i, of course, am a punk rock boy, and do not roll that way.
luckily, it was DURAN DURAN so i was able to a sexy kind of dance real close to her and only touch her when it seemed like a sensous thing to do (like if our faces brushed together or somethin').
there was just all kinds of sexiness going on, but it was definitely awkward, because i just don't go in for that bumpy-grindy stuff and i'm sure she was wondering what was wrong with me. i mean, hell it could certainly be easy to actually DO IT, but once again, i don't roll that way.
we talk a little more and she invites me to a party.
(now, lets catch up here: she is a professional woman, older than me, with a career thingee, a pile of hot friends and a sexy scarf. i am a dirt poor punk rock artist boy with a heart of gold. i do not "party" well. i don't drink or take drugs, so i mostly just sit around and look at people, or make conversation if i am not being condescending and assuming i am better than everyone. i felt it was only fair to warn her of this).
ME: so, i'm gonna have to be honest here, i'm a poor punk rock artist boy.
HER: i know lots of artists.
ME: yeah, but i'm GOOD.
HER: (laughs)
ME: (gives her, "i was serious" look).
the conversation sort of ends and i'm on the dance floor for THE RAMONES (i wanna live), BUZZCOCKS (what do i get) and DEAD KENNEDY'S (too drunk too fuck).
punk rock boys belong on the dance floor skanking to punk rock, not talking to absolutely beautiful girls at the bar. i feel very strongly about this.
afterwards, i told her i was gonna get my shit and she said she was gonna go to the party and it was obvious that i had mucked something up. i got my shit and left. i saw her on the way out and she gave me a smile and walked away. i realized that i was walking home the way i would if i was walking madichon home, not the way i should if i wanted to get home, so i turned around and ran into her again, and she completely ignored me. i think she thought i was gonna make some kind of belated move.
she was with one of her hot friends and these two lame guys. i say this not out of bitterness. in all honesty, i could've had this girl in a heartbeat, but i walked away from it. i say they were lame, because they were. remember that scene in GHOST WORLD? the one where they are looking at the "cute" boys and the one says "who's up for some reggae tonight?" and the girls get disgusted? well, it was those guys.
the world that this girl inhabited and the one that i call home are miles apart. and i just wasn't in the mood to bridge the gap. there is a certain kind of freedom in walking away from an absolutely beautiful girl. its proof that i control my actions. i may be assuming too much, but, in all honesty, what could have happened between us? she was out to party and have fun, i was out to dance, walk home listening to VENOM and fall asleep watching a movie.
i could've asked for her number, but would've had nothing to say.
i could've tried to date her, and would have nothing to do together (i doubt her interests included punk shows and/or horror movies EVERY night).
so, i put VENOM into my disc man and played the three songs i've been waiting to hear all night (at war with satan, countess bathory and black metal).
i like being me.
really. i do.
i didn't always. honestly, five years ago i would've cut off one of my nipples just for the CHANCE to talk to a girl like i walked away from tonight.
but now.
i have that thing, what do you call it?
oh yeah, confidence.
and that other thing...
what was it?
oh yeah,
self-respect.
besides, i totally have the hots for odette anyway.
***
oh, and if you didn't see them, go look in the last update for my horror convention pics.
oh, and one other thing:
LAY DOWN YOUR SOUL TO THE GOD'S ROCK N' ROLL!!!
***
edited to include an email i just received from the girl:
"I just wanted to say that I'm cool with what we talked about earlier. I basically just wanted to fuck you. I wasn't looking for a best friend or any heavy emotional involvement. I hope things start getting better for you. Take it easy."
what the fuck? just...
what the fuck.
girls.

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