sitting here, early in the morning, listening to the ramones and thinking about love. it's not my place in the 9 to 5 world, true that.
i've been up since about 4 in the morning, i watched the harvey keitel flick BAD LIEUTENANT until about 6 or so, then took a shower and started working on my business planning at about 7. while i was digging through my document files looking for my business notes, i came across a letter i wrote to my ex-girlfriend leah (astute readers will remember her as "the heartbreaker"). it was a three page letter i wrote and gave to her with a 35 page book of original comics i wrote and drew for/about her to help me through the break-up and give me an expression of creativity to guide me through the hurt and lonliness.
while i read the letter, i just had all of these feelings of sadness and pity for the boy who wrote it a couple of months ago. that shit was so raw. i through myself so completely on the line for her. i clearly told her i thought she treated me bad and i expect more from someone i was willing to dedicated myself to and then, i end it with telling her that i would be hers again if she wanted to be serious.
that shit is so sad.
i think that letter was the defining moment in the complete destruction of my naivete.
i don't think about girls like i used to. i mean, shit, right now, i've been thinking about women. meeting a woman. i want to be impressed. i don't really want to just show up and drop my pants and go for it.
i am so quiet and easily led when i am with girls sometimes. as if i am so amused by their presence that i don't mind whatever crap conversation is coming out. i ignore character flaws that would drive me wild with irritation if they were my friends, etc. weird.
i used to be a very quiet person in public and social situations. sometimes, i still am, but not usually. i purposefully put myself out there in the hopes that something interesting will happen tha will change my life (nothing profound, i'm thinking little changes, like a new job, new friend, girlfriend, or something like that).
i think i've gone overboard sometimes on my communication with others. sometimes, sometimes i think i'd be happier if i stayed quiet and kept to myself. most people i deal with on a day to day basis have nothing to say. i find myself in situations where i must lie to protect the thoughts and feelings of others or keep quiet. i wish i kept quiet more often. this happens a lot when the graphic design of others is concerned. i mean, really, how can you just tell someone that their work is boring, looks like repetition of itself, and that deep down, you have no guts, no soul and no true commitment to your work?
i wish i knew more good artists. i can count on my left hand the amount of really amazing artists i know. being an artist isn't about skill. the people who paint the pictures of horses that get sold in the malls have skills, but they ain't fucking artists. being an artist is about passion, commitment, communication, and curiosity. i know lots of skilled visual artists, but i don't know many REAL artists.
its kind of a cliche to say, but one of the reasons i prefer to keep quiet is that very rarely do people really understand me, my actions, or my motivations. anytime i've ever met anyone who did, i've held onto them really tightly. my friends pants and dorinda do, my first girlfriend melissa did/does, but, i think thats about it. leah never got that. leah was never able to see all that deep inside of me. for as much as i saw in her, i was never able to see that all of her attractions to me were so surface level.
really, it's not even a big deal. i love the girl so much that its skewed my thoughts and actions in some way from the moment she broke up with me to the present. and it probably will for a little while longer. but really, who gives a shit?
thats what i wanted when i ended the serious relationship i had with melissa, i wanted to LIVE life. i wanted to experience something like a heartbreak that would completely fuck with my thoughts and feelings.
i'm an artist. i live for experience. my purpose is to think, feel, explore, and communicate. just like a doctor is dedicated to protecting the health of their patients and must constantly improve, i am dedicated to experiencing and commenting on the human condition. it is the role of artists to help us redefine our roles in society, our beliefs in ourselves, our view of life itself.
thats what separates a designer like me from all of the other designers that i know.
thats why i bitch so much.
i've been up since about 4 in the morning, i watched the harvey keitel flick BAD LIEUTENANT until about 6 or so, then took a shower and started working on my business planning at about 7. while i was digging through my document files looking for my business notes, i came across a letter i wrote to my ex-girlfriend leah (astute readers will remember her as "the heartbreaker"). it was a three page letter i wrote and gave to her with a 35 page book of original comics i wrote and drew for/about her to help me through the break-up and give me an expression of creativity to guide me through the hurt and lonliness.
while i read the letter, i just had all of these feelings of sadness and pity for the boy who wrote it a couple of months ago. that shit was so raw. i through myself so completely on the line for her. i clearly told her i thought she treated me bad and i expect more from someone i was willing to dedicated myself to and then, i end it with telling her that i would be hers again if she wanted to be serious.
that shit is so sad.
i think that letter was the defining moment in the complete destruction of my naivete.
i don't think about girls like i used to. i mean, shit, right now, i've been thinking about women. meeting a woman. i want to be impressed. i don't really want to just show up and drop my pants and go for it.
i am so quiet and easily led when i am with girls sometimes. as if i am so amused by their presence that i don't mind whatever crap conversation is coming out. i ignore character flaws that would drive me wild with irritation if they were my friends, etc. weird.
i used to be a very quiet person in public and social situations. sometimes, i still am, but not usually. i purposefully put myself out there in the hopes that something interesting will happen tha will change my life (nothing profound, i'm thinking little changes, like a new job, new friend, girlfriend, or something like that).
i think i've gone overboard sometimes on my communication with others. sometimes, sometimes i think i'd be happier if i stayed quiet and kept to myself. most people i deal with on a day to day basis have nothing to say. i find myself in situations where i must lie to protect the thoughts and feelings of others or keep quiet. i wish i kept quiet more often. this happens a lot when the graphic design of others is concerned. i mean, really, how can you just tell someone that their work is boring, looks like repetition of itself, and that deep down, you have no guts, no soul and no true commitment to your work?
i wish i knew more good artists. i can count on my left hand the amount of really amazing artists i know. being an artist isn't about skill. the people who paint the pictures of horses that get sold in the malls have skills, but they ain't fucking artists. being an artist is about passion, commitment, communication, and curiosity. i know lots of skilled visual artists, but i don't know many REAL artists.
its kind of a cliche to say, but one of the reasons i prefer to keep quiet is that very rarely do people really understand me, my actions, or my motivations. anytime i've ever met anyone who did, i've held onto them really tightly. my friends pants and dorinda do, my first girlfriend melissa did/does, but, i think thats about it. leah never got that. leah was never able to see all that deep inside of me. for as much as i saw in her, i was never able to see that all of her attractions to me were so surface level.
really, it's not even a big deal. i love the girl so much that its skewed my thoughts and actions in some way from the moment she broke up with me to the present. and it probably will for a little while longer. but really, who gives a shit?
thats what i wanted when i ended the serious relationship i had with melissa, i wanted to LIVE life. i wanted to experience something like a heartbreak that would completely fuck with my thoughts and feelings.
i'm an artist. i live for experience. my purpose is to think, feel, explore, and communicate. just like a doctor is dedicated to protecting the health of their patients and must constantly improve, i am dedicated to experiencing and commenting on the human condition. it is the role of artists to help us redefine our roles in society, our beliefs in ourselves, our view of life itself.
thats what separates a designer like me from all of the other designers that i know.
thats why i bitch so much.
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Any bands you happen to find, let me know! What do you think of Scarling?
Dwelling on the heartbreakers of the world will only destroy our lives, so let's not do it. OK? Really, it's always way less important and profound than you think (than you want it to be). Just because it hurts so much doesn't automatically make it significant or life changing, just hurtful. That's the true disappointment, but you need to get there. Soon. And then go on to the next thing (LIVE).
and i wish i was an artist. i draw and paint, but i have no commitment.