boundcreature

ugghhh...

so when does the confusion stop?

i've been missing the girlfriend all night tonight. i am such a sucker. i've been thinking about kissing and cuddling and movie watching. all i really want out of a girl is some kissing, some cuddling, and someone who won't bitch about watching a movie almost every night (with intermitten breaks in the week for dancing and punk shows).

me and the girlfriend would've made such awesome friends. thats not something i would've realized though, not until this happened. because, honestly, she was such a fucking blast. she liked to dance, she liked the punk rock, she liked watching movies, and she liked going on long drives to nowhere...

just once. just ONCE. just once i want to make a decision without the consultation of my weenis. hahaha, i said weenis!

so, i'm chilling out now, i worked all day today, got a lot of stuff done for the Graphic Artists Guild (well, i got nothing done, i just answered everyones questions) and i cleaned my room, balanced my checkbook, and hit the store. i'm tired as shit right now, but i wanted to start working on my website, my magazine, and my clients website.

i also am trying to get around to watching the harvey keitel movie BAD LIEUTENANT. it just sucks watching movies by myself (this is a relatively bizarre new development of the last few years -- as watching movies alone got me through my teenage years when i thought girls were aliens and didn't talk to them).

i'm in the market for a cute, huggable girl, who wants to lay around with me and watch movies...

oh how i wish that plaingurl/madichon had chosen to come to the Academy of Jordan instead of going to Penn State University. she's so silly, she doesn't even realize that the A of J is a fully accredited school with a student to teacher ratio of 1:1 (how can you beat that). shit, the student lounge has a leopard-print futon (i'll Penn State doesn't have that).

so, i need a massage. i need to be hugged. i need about 20% of a relationship and my girlfriend was more than interested in giving me 100%...

but, i don't know how to handle that, i'm not used to that... she wanted to share deep things with me and look out for me and trust in me, and all i can handle right now is someone to fall asleep next to and someone to laugh with me when i watch RENO 911.

how do you ask that of a girl who's willing to put herself on the line for you? how do you say that you appreciate it, but you've been living your life like a solitary scavenger and you're scared as shit that trusting in someone will only end in disaster for you down the road? how do you explain to the girl that YOU need to feel like the strong one, otherwise you feel like you are being pitied and taken care of? in some weird, twisted, fucked-up way, i'm more comfortable eating grilled cheese for every meal and being unsure of where my rent is coming from than i am letting someone else take care of me.

fucked-up boy.

but, y'all knew that, didn't ya?