right now i am scared.
i have not been scared in a long time.
something that i have been working towards for over seven months is about to crumble to pieces. i do not want it to crumble to pieces, but i have no choice in the matter. if my client doesn't pony-up the money i need to live on to finish this project, i have to drop it. there are no two ways about it. it will absolutely kill me inside to do it. but i cannot sacrifice the meager advances i have made in my personal life in the last year for someone else's company.
i joke around a lot and use it as a badge of paying-my-dues-ish-ness but living in a scooter store for six weeks and then living in jamaica plain with no money and sleeping on a tile floor all winter really did a lot of damage to me psychologically. it made me afraid. it taught me that when i make really risky moves (like quitting my job to dedicate myself to my artwork for over a year) there will be consequences.
for the last two days i have not been working on the website and i have no idea what to do with myself.
not a fucking clue.
i've found myself on this damnable site almost all day. i've been watching tv. i feel sluggish and uninspired.
if i am not wrapped up in a gigantic project, i am not entirely excited by being alive. i wake up and breathe every day for my work.
it has been over two years since i have completed a major project. it has been over two years since i really sat down and expressed myself in my artwork. the closest i have come to expressing myself in the last year has been in dedicating myself as a lover to the girl who had dumped me and also in writing journals on this website.
i want to draw comics so bad that it makes me want to cry. but life gets in the way every single day. if i can't arrange my life in such a way that my bills are paid and i am not too miserable at my day job; then i can't be focused enough to commit to my work.
i don't know about other artists; but i'm not a sit down and draw it all at once kinda guy. i'm a thinker and a daydreamer. my stories form by bouncing in my brain, they take shape in random sketches and scattered bits of dialogue on an endless supply of note cards.
i need a well-organized system and routine to guide me through the projects or nothing will ever get done. if i don't have goals and deadline and parameters; i will daydream and sketch all fucking day.
and, worst of all, i create the things i create to communicate. if i cannot afford to get the work printed and distributed; it becomes neutered and impotent.
i am very confused right now. my client has refused to call me back today and yesterday. his girlfriend says he is going to call me tomorrow. i am not too excited about this. because, he and i are incredibly strong-willed and stubborn self-absorbed bastards and even though i normally back down a bit for him; i can't compromise right now. he either gives me enough money for me to finish the project, or i force the project onto a hiatus it may never return from while i go back to (
) freelancing on the side to earn enough money to pay all of my debts that are currently with collection agencies.
i just don't know what to do. very few things make me as happy as working myself into stupidity. the only substitutes seem to be pretty dark-haired girls and the martial arts.
what the fuck am i gonna do?
i feel like i should listen to minor threat right now but i am listening to new order; is that a drastic difference or what?
i have not been scared in a long time.
something that i have been working towards for over seven months is about to crumble to pieces. i do not want it to crumble to pieces, but i have no choice in the matter. if my client doesn't pony-up the money i need to live on to finish this project, i have to drop it. there are no two ways about it. it will absolutely kill me inside to do it. but i cannot sacrifice the meager advances i have made in my personal life in the last year for someone else's company.
i joke around a lot and use it as a badge of paying-my-dues-ish-ness but living in a scooter store for six weeks and then living in jamaica plain with no money and sleeping on a tile floor all winter really did a lot of damage to me psychologically. it made me afraid. it taught me that when i make really risky moves (like quitting my job to dedicate myself to my artwork for over a year) there will be consequences.
for the last two days i have not been working on the website and i have no idea what to do with myself.
not a fucking clue.
i've found myself on this damnable site almost all day. i've been watching tv. i feel sluggish and uninspired.
if i am not wrapped up in a gigantic project, i am not entirely excited by being alive. i wake up and breathe every day for my work.
it has been over two years since i have completed a major project. it has been over two years since i really sat down and expressed myself in my artwork. the closest i have come to expressing myself in the last year has been in dedicating myself as a lover to the girl who had dumped me and also in writing journals on this website.
i want to draw comics so bad that it makes me want to cry. but life gets in the way every single day. if i can't arrange my life in such a way that my bills are paid and i am not too miserable at my day job; then i can't be focused enough to commit to my work.
i don't know about other artists; but i'm not a sit down and draw it all at once kinda guy. i'm a thinker and a daydreamer. my stories form by bouncing in my brain, they take shape in random sketches and scattered bits of dialogue on an endless supply of note cards.
i need a well-organized system and routine to guide me through the projects or nothing will ever get done. if i don't have goals and deadline and parameters; i will daydream and sketch all fucking day.
and, worst of all, i create the things i create to communicate. if i cannot afford to get the work printed and distributed; it becomes neutered and impotent.
i am very confused right now. my client has refused to call me back today and yesterday. his girlfriend says he is going to call me tomorrow. i am not too excited about this. because, he and i are incredibly strong-willed and stubborn self-absorbed bastards and even though i normally back down a bit for him; i can't compromise right now. he either gives me enough money for me to finish the project, or i force the project onto a hiatus it may never return from while i go back to (
) freelancing on the side to earn enough money to pay all of my debts that are currently with collection agencies.
i just don't know what to do. very few things make me as happy as working myself into stupidity. the only substitutes seem to be pretty dark-haired girls and the martial arts.
what the fuck am i gonna do?
i feel like i should listen to minor threat right now but i am listening to new order; is that a drastic difference or what?
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As for Harvard, I'm a slightly weird hours computer operator. It pays well, has net access, and there is a minium of work. So over all a good job.
-PT