boundcreature

i got a feeling this one is gonna be all over the place.

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i got to hang out with all of the great folks of SGBoston this week. big thanks to minimalism for the invite, now hopefully i'll be cool enough to actually be let into the group

i can't believe i just used one of those face icons. i am such a dork now.

everybody was really cool and friendly and i hope i see all their smiling faces again sometime soon. i totally want action figures of sid and gasmaskboy in club gear, they just totally looked like life-size toys to me last night. sid is so cute, but i don't think i'll ever be able to look at her photoset after meeting her, she's too cute and i'd feel so creepy...

blondie actually said "Schwing" when we were waiting to get out of the parking garage. how fucking cool is that? she gets to be my favorite person of the day for that. (incidentally, her prize was dancing-boy sweat on the seat of her nice car).

pip and minimalism really need to be experienced in person, thats really all i can say about that. lots of smart-assitude with that bunch.

saw plaingurl again, there is something innately warm about her personality. maybe its just the pennsylvania thing, that common bond of small-town desolation and redneck auto-racing we'll always share.

the boy with the cool checkered sleeve and eyeliner who was dressed like a schoolboy and had a frightening amount of alcohol stuffed into his laptop bag (whose name i cannot remember) provided cake for the SG birthday girl and that was awesome. i wanted cake ALL FUCKING DAY. and lo and behold, there was cake.

i have nothing much left to say, everyonen was really cool and i'm glad i got to meet and talk to ALL of them.

***

the girl i went on a date with last week left a message on my machine the other day. i should probably call her back even though i don't want to. i don't want to be the asshole that can't even call someone back to say don't bother calling.

i don't want kisses and tenderness. i feel too betrayed by one girl and right now i'm terribly suspicious of all of the rest of them. i think i can only relate now when i know sex isn't gonna come up, when i know they aren't interested in me romantically. i think this is why i've been pushing myself so hard at Taekwondo and why i want to get hit so much.

i want physical contact, but i don't want anyone to love me, or think i'm great, or tell me i'm special, or talented... i'm becoming very suspicious of showing people my work and my writing, i don't want them to know the part of me that means the most to me. i'd rather they think there's nothing special about me. let them think i'm arrogant or cocky or tall or tough, whatever, just don't think i've got a heart and i want to change the world.

i just want to keep getting hit and keeping working and keep staying up late and pushing myself. i've been so catastrophically sad over this whole thing that i just want to make the things i CAN control harder and harder. because i can handle it.

i don't know. i think i'm getting better. i at least was attracted to a girl at the club last night, enough to watch her dance for a while (she danced like Molly Ringwald). so what if she had that same fucking look that the heartbreaker had. i'm almost fetishistic with the types of girls i find attractive.

i saw this one girl who looked like an ex of mine (#4 the crazy one). if #4 was in a slimfast commercial, the girl i saw dancing last night would've been the after picture. i actually didn't intend for that to sound mean, its the best description i could come up with. she had that creepy "doctored photo" vibe about her.

don't give me tenderness, give me violence. fuck love songs, i wanna SCREAM!

***

i've been rocking out all day in my room. i bought a great cheap compilation collection of british oi and streetpunk. so if any of you who are reading this like the bands: Anti-Nowhere League, The Exploited, The Adicts, Stiff Little Fingers, The Business, 999, Angelic Upstarts, Chelsea, UK Subs, Vice Squad, The Adverts, The Cockney Rejects, or the Lurkers, I think you are totally fucking cool.