bostonstrangler

you ever seen the movie quadraphinia by the WHO?when i was younger i allways related to that film but never knew why.i'm sure most would point out the obvious teenage rage,hopeless ness,that whole area.so for the past week i've been sick,and i been watching that film over and over.when i was in betty ford checking in the who was playing on the radio in the backround.after a week in treatment there i just got up and left.i called my girlfriend to come pick me up(with my car mind you)and she never showed.so i just kinda wandered around the desert in palm springs all night.i checked into a hotel with what was left on my credit card and tried to sleep.but i just couldn't get that song out of my head,"every year it's the same,thought it would change,i'm a loser no chance to win.leaves start falling,come down is calling,lonelyness starts sinking in".they kicked me out in the morning and all i had left was around five bucks.i had thrown my bags over a freeway overpass earlear that night(with my smokes in them).so i bought a pack of camels,and sat in that parkinglot for over eight hours.she never did show up to bring me home(my home,where she was living).so i just sat there on this curb,staring at this bridge,and all i could think about was that song,"I am ONE",by the WHO.lonelyness starts sinking in,just kept playing like a skipping record in my head.so i looked long at my life,and long at this bridge,and was trying to figure out if i jumped would it kill me,or would i just break my legs(with my luck it would have been the later of the two).as i strted walking twards the overpass i just turned and walked thr other way,and managed to hitch a ride back to long beach.i did end up going back to betty ford and staying,got clean for awhile and nothing changed.mind you i do drink now and again,but have given up on the other stuff.so now i'm sitting in my living room,and i'm watching that movie again,just as i had done when i got home from treatment.as a grown man that film still has the same impact on me as when i was thirteen.i'm supposed to be a grown man now,but yet i still feel as i did then.alone,hopeless,and tired.i've done some horrifick things to my life,and those who have loved me.i've paid for a few,some i can't and some i'd rather forget i guess.but that's the curse of being alone,you have all the time in the world to think.i've sinned,i've cheated,i've lied i've done it all.
so now where do i go from here?i've tried to change my ways.but i always end up shooting myself in the foot.i suppose i should be dead with the way i've lived my life,and at times i wish i was.but i just keep coming back for more,a glutton for punishment i guess.well,i think i'll finish this.i'd rather watch someone else ruin there life in t.v.,than think about my own for awhile.i haven't cried in over five years.but as i watch that scooter fall hopelessly from the cliff,i can always feel my eyes start to well up,but then recede like the tide.for once i wish i could just get it over with."I am ONE",no regrets,no promises,no friends,only strangers that seem to know me.