boounz

Technology > Me



part I : savin' princesses being a brat

My PlayStation 3 died two weeks ago.
I should say it fell into a coma or became a vegetable as it won't read any discs anymore but, you know, saying it died makes it more dramatic. More tragic. I mean, you know, the warranty is over and repairing it might cost between 130 and 250 euros, but I have a hat trick to experiment and Sony might end up not being a bitch and repair it for free. I think a 500 euros console should come with a lifetime warranty but I and Sony don't think alike so I'll try everything I can to get that free repair.
But I don't want to talk about me hustlin'. The day the ps3 shat on my hands, I realized technology has almost always been against me. Let's go back in time.

It's never been very serious. Technology never tried to kill me. I never had a breathing machine dying on me at the hospital or that kind of stuff. Mostly because I've never been to the hospital. Except that one time when I was way way way younger and I had a passion about putting stuff in my nose. You can now imagine why I've been to the hospital. Guess what I put in there.
The thing is : stuff never tried to kill me but it made me a much more stressed and anxious person than I should be.

Back in the days, me and electronics were all cool. Nothing against each other. No grudges. Nothing. When I got in elementary school, they made me go the next class directly because I was already able to read (but couldn't write for shit, I mean no typos or stuff like that but a doctor must handwrite better than me). It was at that time that my father lost his job and left the company with like twenty computers... He gave them to the school and we got to keep one. We put the screen on the computer itself that was laid down. It had Windows 3.1 on it and you couldn't do anything except writing and drawing on Paint. And playing Solitary and this incomprehensible bomb game. That computer sucked so much, you couldn't play game that were on floppy disks. You had to know where you were putting your files, no icons or anything to help you.
To this day, I think this computer is still working.
It must still have all of my shitty drawings on its ethiopian hard drive

I was young, I was a boy, all I needed was videogames and I got it a year after the computer. By the time, my father got a new job, the one he has now and the drought of videogames would soon be over. It ended with a Super Nintendo and Mario All Stars. Mom let me try it like three weeks before Christmas on a wednesday, it was like our secret, so I played for a day, amazed, and had to put it back in its box and put the gift wrapping back as if it was still untouched. I was playing like a little bitch, I almost invented the Wii that day accompanying Mario jumping lifting my arms up etc... Still it was cool.
You could throw the controllers away, it would still work, do that strongly enough with a Dual Shock and you'll get a Dual Shit back. These days, consoles and their accessories must have been made by soviets to be that solid. I remember when, with my best friend from school at this time, we would trade consoles for a week : my SNES and games for his Mega Drive and his games. I was then able to play Streets of Rage II, Sonic and other games I could only hear about rest of the time. Those were intense weeks. And despite all these travels, consoles remained intact and are, I can only guess for the Mega Drive, still working these days.

Back then Street Fighter with Jean-Claude Van Damme was my favorite movie, I was spending most of my free time making an Italian plumber jump and crush ugly motherfuckers tryin' to get some ass from da princess. Basically I was an asshole. At least, I wasn't forcing my parents to escort me to the movies to see shitty animated movies.
The problem was that my many occupations were taking me the time I should have given to my day jobs that were school (where my results declined enough to make the teached worry), fuckin' judo (which is the sport you should force your future kids to practise if you want them to despise you) and catechism (where my mother and grand-mother, yeah the same that couldn't say Schwarzenegger at the cinema, kept bringing me at even if I knew God, Santa Claus, Tooth Fairy etc... were bullshit, I still had to go).

This console was tough as nails compared to the bitchassness of the consoles they sell us nowadays. Anyone got a "Error while reading cartridge" bullshit message when trying to play Donkey Kong ? Anyone heard of some poor motherfucker saying he had a red ring of death while playing some Super Populous ? Have you ever been to smashmysupernintendo.com to see some angry guy destroying his console because he thinks it's shit ? No. You know why ? Because it doesn't exist, that shit was boss, it would never let you down. My Super Nintendo is still functionning but I don't have controllers anymore so I'm fucked. But still, it's fifteen years old and I could still play it if I wanted.
Super Nintendo was dragging me to the dark side but I still passed everything : next class, next belt and I communied as a total non-believer. I don't know if I felt like a double agent when I was eating Corpus Christi but I should have. The day of the communion I remember the priest told us to kiss our parents and I snubbed my grandmother saying approximately 'Yo he said 'parents', not 'grand-parents'.'. Little asshole wouldn't give me a kiss, unbelievable ! became this day cult quote and it made many people laugh, even you right now I'm sure. I had game as a kid, I still have some but I became reasonable.
This story is part of my legend, people are still talking about it and they forgot about my dad and sister leaving the church out of boredom to go eat candies... I've been Jesus-like this day and paid for their sin.

But I would pay for mine soon enough even if I was far from thinking about it while grandma invited us to the reastaurant, still furious about the church incident.

To be continued because you know, your Boounz is in another castle.