Got this from the banquet chef. Does anyone actually do this ???
How to Poop At Work / school :
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles (or offices) and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.
CROP DUSTING: When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area & everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.
FLY BY: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in & check out for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave & come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going to the bathroom.
ESCAPEE: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarressment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK: When forcing a poop out, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarraha or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH: (pay particular attention to this, please) The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a veryuncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist..... can be avoided with the use of COURESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: A colleague who poops at work & is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroomwith a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
SAFE HAVEN: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the oppisite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of you sex entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR: Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall & tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking & vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the turd burgler leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELLON,
or to alert potential TURD BURGLERS. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE: Asubtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD BURGLARS that are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON: A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET: A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water...often accompanied by an ESCAPEE. Try using CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.
UNCLE TED: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
EXHIBISIONEST: A user leaves a turd in the bowl for all to see, "THE PROUD DUMPPER"...
... BOOTS~
How to Poop At Work / school :
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles (or offices) and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.
CROP DUSTING: When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area & everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.
FLY BY: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in & check out for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave & come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going to the bathroom.
ESCAPEE: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarressment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK: When forcing a poop out, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarraha or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH: (pay particular attention to this, please) The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a veryuncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist..... can be avoided with the use of COURESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: A colleague who poops at work & is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroomwith a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
SAFE HAVEN: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the oppisite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of you sex entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR: Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall & tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking & vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the turd burgler leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELLON,
or to alert potential TURD BURGLERS. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE: Asubtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD BURGLARS that are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON: A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET: A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water...often accompanied by an ESCAPEE. Try using CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.
UNCLE TED: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
EXHIBISIONEST: A user leaves a turd in the bowl for all to see, "THE PROUD DUMPPER"...
... BOOTS~
VIEW 15 of 15 COMMENTS
i dont think ive ever pooped at a job..