booterpops

*Be Warned - Random Thoughts Ahead. Feel free to skip to the end*

The Dark Arts Festival was good. It could have been better but I was much too tired to make the most of it. I only took 1 picture of myself and I'll probably post it soon.

Opus rocked. I probably got 5 hours of sleep total all weekend. I even worked up the nerve to go skinny dipping without being intoxicated in any way.

At night, when all of the lights are off in my apartment, I stare out my window. I live around several young people, I'm 23 yet emotionally ancient, so there is always activity. I like to watch people go about their lives because I know they are living better than I am. I get jealous and remorseful all at the same time.

I've never been in love and often think that is an emotion that is beyond me. I've never been in a relationship because that would require someone asking me on a date. I came to the conclusion long ago that I will most likely die alone.

All of these words have been used by other people to describe me: intimidating, shy, quiet, calm, reserved, grouchy, bitchy, cruel, bossy, reclusive, pensive, weak, snotty, cold, unstable, intelligent, obsessive, cautious, boring, distant, soft, tender, warmhearted, sarcastic and sad. People seem to think I am perpetually angry or frowning. I think I never learned how to interact with people normally.

I'm around people I care nothing about everyday. I'm very rarely around the people I actually care about. Maybe that's why they still care about me, absence really does make the heart grow fonder.

I feel like a pariah. It seems people often go out of their way to avoid me or they forget about me completely. Would anyone even notice if I disappeared? I doubt it.

The color red is slowly taking over my life. It started with my walls and now it's my light source. It's a color that calms me right now.

Seperate, apart, adrift. A body floating through life, anchored by nothing. A writhing mass of unfullfilment and unrealised dreams. No guidance system to avoid the pitfalls of life and no desire to make changes. Constantly wondering if there is anything more, anything worth living for everday. A cold grip on a slowly beating heart slowly squeazing the joy out of life. Blind to the beauty that lies within but not the disgrace that covers the outside. Searching for kind eyes in the darkness but everybody leaves.

I start working weekends again tomorrow. This will probaly last about a month. The overtime pay is nice but the company is lousy.