bonnieblu

I've only just begun realising that people are allowed to feel certain ways. If you feel something it's obviously for good reason. Since I was little I feel I don't have the right to be depressed or ever feel sorry for myself because I'm an only child. Anything that was remotely anti-joy and happiness was nothing but a callout for attention because I demanded it all. I pushed the real feelings away because I didn't want people to think I was this mental drama queen. But by pushing those feelings away they ended up being my real feelings.

I'm watching Prozac Nation and some of it makes me cry. So much is familiar to the point where it's a bit difficult to watch. I recognise so much Lizzie's love of writing, the warped realities, watching yourself say and do things to people even though behind your eyes you know it's not true or how you feel. How you cling to the boyfriends who show you an ounce of love even though they definitely don't feel the same as you. I really wish I could let go of all my senses and reality slip and walk down the path of drugs and booze but something always stops me. I can't let go, I always maintain control. I don't enjoy alcohol or really letting myself get drunk but I love weed. I love weed so much I would live on it 24/7 if I could. I can feel relaxed and beautiful and still have control over what I do. Things are funny, the world is amazing. I take nurofen pills with codeine in them to calm me down and relax me.

I try and get my life organised but it always seems to fall in a whole. I do get back up and move forwards and then it always seems to be back to the start. I always muck up and even though people don't say anything I know I disappoint them and then I un through the million and one sorry's to show I'm trying to make it up to them. My mum has always said two steps forwards, one step back. In the film, Lizzie's parents fight and blame each other for so much. My parents always fought about me. They both had extremely different views on parenting. I've always loved my mum and I will always love my mum. But we have so many problems. My mum left my dad and me when I was 5 or 6 because she thought I would be better with him because I loved him more. And because apparently my dad's family hated her. She's continuously taken her anger and frustration meant for my dad, out on me. I never thought my parents problems had fucked me up but turns out I was wrong.

One extremely emotionally abusive relationship and one year of therapy later I see that that emotional abuse didn't just come from Nick. My mum had been serving it up to me my whole life. It took one combined counselling session for our individual counsellors to see that and I feel better. I feel there is a glimmer of hope somewhere and mum will work on herself and then we can fix each other.

But for now, I've got to try and fix myself. I just don't know what there is to fix yet.