bonnieblu

You know how people say they can feel the change in the air? Or they don't think about things and just do what makes them happy?

Understandably everyone's different but I never feel any of those things. I never feel myself changing; I don't see how I'm different now. I know I think differently but to me I'm the same person I was a few months ago.

And I think things about people. I think I know things about people but because I have this small ongoing feeling of inadequacy and self-doubt, I think I'm just rubbishing myself and not listen to that little voice. Which obviously I should start because it is leading me onto bigger and better things. I can see my/its potential but I just can't do it.

Over the past few weeks i've talked myself out of going out, seeing my friends or generally leaving my house unless I'm going to work/uni/see family. And I don't like this person. I always was the happy go lucky fun party girl who was the life of the party. I can't even have a few drinks now without throwing up.

And to think all this bollocks is still coming from the relationship. It's like I have to ween it out of me like a poison. I have to force him out of my head every day because I'm terrified that at the end of the 6 months he's away I'm going to be exactly the same as when he left. I'm worrying so much I've stumped my growth. Maybe it's all the cigarettes I'm smoking in worry.

I just wish the part of me that doubted myself fucked off. It would make living so much easier and it confuses me every day. I'm confident, I have self-esteem and love but I doubt all my actions/words. I think that around my friends I'm the loser goofball girl next door that is the butt of everyone's jokes and isn't funny. Apparently I'm not but hey...what do I know.