bonnieblu

First off..Happy New Year.

How did I begin my New Year? With a huge screaming match with my best mate in the middle of the street. It wasn't the best experience I've ever had. I need to get it out of my system.

It all began when I started what I thought was going to be a relaxing D&M with my best mate about how I feel. I began explaining how sometimes she's really distant and it feels like she's only there for me when it's convenient. Well, this led to her yelling and crying and getting defensive.

Now, to all those out there who are reading this...if you've gone through a bad breakup, would you expect your mates to be there? Even if they can't solve all your problems, you still expect them to listen and not sit in silence on the end of the phone for 20 minutes. So as we were talking she mentioned that I need to grow up, stop relying on her and I cant expect her to be there for me all the time. Since I believe that is what a friendship is all about, I got mad. I got really really mad and apparently called her a selfish slut. (I didn't mean it; I was just sprouting words)

So she walked off and the ex and a mate, Steve (the guy I keep randomly hooking up with but is also one of my bestest mates). The ex started asking me what was going on and when I started to explain he layed into me about how I need to grow up and stop acting like a child. (This was after he threw a tantrum because we turned the tele off and put the radio on for the countdown instead). I just walked off and collapsed on the street crying. Steve came back and sat with me while I cried and had we had a chat. I felt like I couldn't go back into the party but I pulled myself together and walked back in. As soon as I went round the corner everyone looked at me and then looked away. I turned around and walked out. I felt like the worst bitch and it was all my fault.

Luckily my dad was spending new years down the road so I got all my shit and went down there. Steve came with me and didn't leave my side all night.

And then we ended up making out for two hours on nearly every front lawn in the street. But we had an awesome conversation about it. We've hooked up a few times before, he has a girlfriend who is living and working in the UK for a year and gets back in February. Now, he adores this girl more than anything in the world, all the hooking up is, is pure comfort and physical contact. I told him I would never let it get to a stage where he would regret it so we made a rule of nothing below the waistline.

Maybe a bit of history needs to be included here: Nick and I met through Em. They went to Tafe and Em had a crush on him for two years before she introduced us together. Nick and I realised we liked each other, talked to Em about it, she was upset but gave her permission and we started seeing each other. However, the next 3 years were plagued with her resenting me and picking at me. We had a big fight once and she wrote me this letter saying how she doesn't support me because whenever I succeed in something she wants to put me down because of how much I hurt her with Nick.
She still feels like I went behind her back, what happened was Nick and I were talking on the net and it all came out about how we liked each other. But she still feels it was all deliberate. Now she's best friends with both of us.
I think what she wrote in the letter she is still feeling. There has to be something deeper there.

But...happy new year everyone. I think this year is going to be a good one.