bonnieblu

This popup just appeared and it made me giggle:

http://www.jlove.com/pageone.aspx

This week so far has been a mixture of emotions. I've been frightened and happy, on a buzz so high i couldnt contain myself, so low that i spent an hour lying on the floor contemplating what the hell was going on in my life for me to be on the floor, content and manic and wonderfully independant.

While all these things make are compleatly normal, i still get frustrated at the roller coaster of it all. Sometimes, its too much to comprehend and my brain and muscles begin to ache from the activity. The only thing left to calm me down is a few codine packed painkillers that settle the pains and give me that nice wave of contentment where i can smile.

I am happy. I am moving on and most of the time am glad to see the end of that relationship. Then i get times where i'll miss the fun times like shopping and dressing up. Then i think of how much i wasnt loved or appreciated and i begin to cry. I cry because at the time i thought i was and i look back and gave myself and more and i wasnt loved at all. I feel like my trust has been raped. I just dont understand how he could sleep next to me and be happy with himself. I dont understand why he couldnt have the decency to make things right and i certainly dont understand that if im so special as people say why he didnt make an effort to try. That's what gets me about this strange world we live in...all of the above i have answers for, i dont need to search. Maybe thats why im finding this so hard? Because i know what happens next and i know what the motions are and i know that no matter what, i need to ride it.

I didnt want this post to turn into a bitch about the ex, too many have been. Im moving on, little by little and day by day. Its just hard to uproot your deep deep feelings and make them non-exsistant.

Im looking forward to christmas, but im more nervous that it'll be the first christmas without Nick. I'll be fine because i'll have my family. But its always nice to have someone there thats just yours. I miss that. But im not sure if im ready for something new or if im just holding onto the feelings because i dont know how to not...does that make sense? I've started loosing count so thats something. I think its been 3 months now. I suppose whats meant to be will be and if some hot dude with a fringe sweeps me off my feet it'll all work out for whats right.