Hooray. I think I have gotten over the boy. I had an epiphany the other day and it's made me realize some things about myself, good and bad. I really need to be alone... or maybe just with female friends. Anyway, I am pretty happy about things, I just hope that I don't fall back into the same rut of liking someone that I really shouldn't be with. Be it an ex or a new guy.
I like driving around with my roommate, smoking cigarettes and laughing. That sort of stuff makes life good. And really, everything is fine... until bed time. then I get lonely. That what sleeping next to someone for 3 years will do to you. I wish I believed in god, because I would most definately be praying for strength. Instead, I will pray to myself.
I wish I could write poetry. I would write about things that I should never forget. Like the way she looked that night in her bed years and years and years ago before I realized it was ok to think that she was beautiful. Or how amazing I felt lying on the stage, drunk as hell, listening to TV on the Radio at 1 AM with good friends. The smell of chocolate cigars on her breath when we kissed. Our feet in his pool, talking about life, awkward, knowing that we were going to kiss, but not knowing who was going to lean in first. That one day that I drove up at 5 AM to see him because I loved him more than I had ever loved anyone in my entire life. We stayed in bed all day, we lost our virginity, we wanted to see a movie but it was at the wrong time and he got really crabby. We got a suite at a motel for free because it was so late when we rented it. I stubbed my toe so hard it broke and we had awkward, painful and sadly unfulfilling sex a few hours later. He fell asleep and I cried. I missed him already. She stood in front of me, straddling a bike that she took from her neighbors lawn. I tried to throw my foot over the seat to get on, but I was so drunk I fell over. "It's ok!!" Her laugh always made me feel amazing, like I was in on something special. "It's ok! We can walk! Come on." Entering the bar and hearing Tiny Dancer, and then Drop it like it's hot. 7 AM, before a swim meet, I came for the first time during sex. I wanted to tell the world, but was surrounded by little kids and my parents for the rest of the day. Not long ago, I came for the first time on bottom. I didn't even know it was going to happen and it was amazing. I didn't have to work for it at all, and instantly I thought, "Is this how guys feel?" I will never be able to tell him how good it was, because it's already over and I am almost sure that we will never talk again. She told me how she recorded a song from an oldies station onto a tape when her parents were out of the house. It was sinful to listen to that kind of music and when her parents found it, they took the tape away. whenever I hear the song, "The birds and the bees will be, sad and lonely..." I choke up. Pachouli will always make me think of soft hair and oddly adorable mouths. That night at Bill's house, when I fell in love with him. I felt it happening. I was completely cognitive of it. right then, I went from not really liking him at all to being completely in love. I know it was love. I just fucked it up. Totally and royally fucked it up. and though I know that we are not meant to be together, life has still not been as sweet as it was when I was his.
Gah. How utterly depressing. Oh well, best to get it out.
Thanks for listening, you vague and unnameable audience.
I like driving around with my roommate, smoking cigarettes and laughing. That sort of stuff makes life good. And really, everything is fine... until bed time. then I get lonely. That what sleeping next to someone for 3 years will do to you. I wish I believed in god, because I would most definately be praying for strength. Instead, I will pray to myself.
I wish I could write poetry. I would write about things that I should never forget. Like the way she looked that night in her bed years and years and years ago before I realized it was ok to think that she was beautiful. Or how amazing I felt lying on the stage, drunk as hell, listening to TV on the Radio at 1 AM with good friends. The smell of chocolate cigars on her breath when we kissed. Our feet in his pool, talking about life, awkward, knowing that we were going to kiss, but not knowing who was going to lean in first. That one day that I drove up at 5 AM to see him because I loved him more than I had ever loved anyone in my entire life. We stayed in bed all day, we lost our virginity, we wanted to see a movie but it was at the wrong time and he got really crabby. We got a suite at a motel for free because it was so late when we rented it. I stubbed my toe so hard it broke and we had awkward, painful and sadly unfulfilling sex a few hours later. He fell asleep and I cried. I missed him already. She stood in front of me, straddling a bike that she took from her neighbors lawn. I tried to throw my foot over the seat to get on, but I was so drunk I fell over. "It's ok!!" Her laugh always made me feel amazing, like I was in on something special. "It's ok! We can walk! Come on." Entering the bar and hearing Tiny Dancer, and then Drop it like it's hot. 7 AM, before a swim meet, I came for the first time during sex. I wanted to tell the world, but was surrounded by little kids and my parents for the rest of the day. Not long ago, I came for the first time on bottom. I didn't even know it was going to happen and it was amazing. I didn't have to work for it at all, and instantly I thought, "Is this how guys feel?" I will never be able to tell him how good it was, because it's already over and I am almost sure that we will never talk again. She told me how she recorded a song from an oldies station onto a tape when her parents were out of the house. It was sinful to listen to that kind of music and when her parents found it, they took the tape away. whenever I hear the song, "The birds and the bees will be, sad and lonely..." I choke up. Pachouli will always make me think of soft hair and oddly adorable mouths. That night at Bill's house, when I fell in love with him. I felt it happening. I was completely cognitive of it. right then, I went from not really liking him at all to being completely in love. I know it was love. I just fucked it up. Totally and royally fucked it up. and though I know that we are not meant to be together, life has still not been as sweet as it was when I was his.
Gah. How utterly depressing. Oh well, best to get it out.
Thanks for listening, you vague and unnameable audience.
tadzi:
epiphanies are a wonderful thing. i had a couple of those not too long ago, and it feels awesome to grow as a person.