An open letter to a dear friend...
Dear Alcohol,
First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. Your many sides and dimensions are mind boggling (different than beer goggling, which I'll touch upon shortly).
Yes, my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer with the game... and you're even around in the holidays hidden inside chocolates, you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family
gatherings. Yet lately I've been wondering about your intentions. You see, I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, but I feel that your influence has led to unwise consequences, briefed below for your review.
1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place at 3am.
2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal and, though cooking is far from my specialty, why you suggested that I eat a kabob with chili sauce, coupled with pot noodles and some stale chips (washed down with chocolate nesquik and topped off with a Kit Kat, all after a few cheese and chili cheese fries) is beyond me. Eclectic
eater I am, but I think you went too far this time.
3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. Completely unnecessary. Similarly, it should never take me more than 30 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.
4. Pictures: This can be a blessing in disguise, as it can often clarify the last point below, but the following costumes are banned from eve being placed on my head in public again: Indian wigs, sombreros, bows, boxes, upside-down cups, inflatable balloon animals, traffic cones and bras.
5. Beer Goggles: If I think I may know him/her from somewhere, I most
likely do not. Please do not request that I go over and see if in fact, I do actually know that person. The phrase 'let's Fuck' is illegal from now on.
While I may be thinking this, please reinstate the brain-to-mouth block that would stop this thought from becoming a statement, especially in
public.
Furthermore, the hangovers have GOT to stop. Now, I know a little penance for our previous evenings debauchery may be in order, but the 2pm Hangover Immobility is completely unacceptable. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to bed/passing out facedown on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal and in no way interfere with my daily Saturday or Sunday (or any day for that matter) activities. Come on now, it's only fair, you do your part, I'll do mine.
Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now and would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great
stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that grievances above and address them immediately.
I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 5pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions and hopefully we can continue this fruitful
partnership.
Thank you,
Your biggest fan
Dear Alcohol,
First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. Your many sides and dimensions are mind boggling (different than beer goggling, which I'll touch upon shortly).
Yes, my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer with the game... and you're even around in the holidays hidden inside chocolates, you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family
gatherings. Yet lately I've been wondering about your intentions. You see, I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, but I feel that your influence has led to unwise consequences, briefed below for your review.
1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place at 3am.
2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal and, though cooking is far from my specialty, why you suggested that I eat a kabob with chili sauce, coupled with pot noodles and some stale chips (washed down with chocolate nesquik and topped off with a Kit Kat, all after a few cheese and chili cheese fries) is beyond me. Eclectic
eater I am, but I think you went too far this time.
3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. Completely unnecessary. Similarly, it should never take me more than 30 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.
4. Pictures: This can be a blessing in disguise, as it can often clarify the last point below, but the following costumes are banned from eve being placed on my head in public again: Indian wigs, sombreros, bows, boxes, upside-down cups, inflatable balloon animals, traffic cones and bras.
5. Beer Goggles: If I think I may know him/her from somewhere, I most
likely do not. Please do not request that I go over and see if in fact, I do actually know that person. The phrase 'let's Fuck' is illegal from now on.
While I may be thinking this, please reinstate the brain-to-mouth block that would stop this thought from becoming a statement, especially in
public.
Furthermore, the hangovers have GOT to stop. Now, I know a little penance for our previous evenings debauchery may be in order, but the 2pm Hangover Immobility is completely unacceptable. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to bed/passing out facedown on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal and in no way interfere with my daily Saturday or Sunday (or any day for that matter) activities. Come on now, it's only fair, you do your part, I'll do mine.
Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now and would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great
stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that grievances above and address them immediately.
I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 5pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions and hopefully we can continue this fruitful
partnership.
Thank you,
Your biggest fan
VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
elisabeth:
Wow. What an excellent journal, thanks 
flakaseagulls:
Oh man. That's easily one of the coolest entries I've seen in a while, and well, especially because I've had a recent conversation with alcohol and my other drug of choice, coffee (it's not JUST about the caffeine).