DON’T READ THIS.
Whatever you do, don’t read this post.
It could inadvertently inform you about March 2008 at Suicide Girls.
And you might accidentally click on a link and see SG and Hopeful titties.
That would be most regrettable.
Ok, if you’re still there, you are obviously a man or woman of great intellect.
Welcome, friend!
Come inside my humble abode as we reflect on pin-up yesteryear.
We shall start with @leust and her appetizing set The Stairs .
It is a wonderful aperitif to this spread we are about to encounter.
Leust had magical boobs in her sole Hopeful set.
I really wish she had stuck around.
Maybe a second set would have made her Pink?
Next we come to a truly special dish: it’s @gidgette at the Tattoo Museum .
These are not mere small bites.
Gidgette presents us with low-hanging fruit.
But don’t take in too much of her wondrous sacs lest you be prematurely sated.
Perhaps we should wet our whistle with @dicesskull Everyday at the Salon .
Like kalamata olives in red wine, Dicesskull presents us with rosy nipples—erect and prominent.
Truly an exquisite face and divine little tits.
Anybody want a peanut?
A nut worth cracking is @fraiya in Silent Seduction .
Here we sit with Henri Langlois, Jean-Luc Godard, and Cleo (from 5 to 7) enjoying the creativity of a pin-up set replete with cinematic intertitles.
Ma fin est mon commencement.
Attagirl, Fraiya!
The terrine de foie gras is on the way.
In the meantime, have a canapé!
All the way from the Great White North, it’s @alvynaumagumma in Ottawa .
Truly some special moon-pale hangers.
Even cupped as they are, we see an impressive girth here.
Luscious!
Maybe you’re Still Drunk from last night?
Fear not: @annisa has your back (and front!).
Legs in fishnets and great breasts!!
Time to get into the thick of the hors d’œvres with @dwam in Sorceress .
Keep in mind that this was a Suicide Girl who has Les Fleurs du mal listed amongst her favorite books (impeccable taste!).
I hope she wouldn’t be too offended at being part of l’entrée.
We will call her carpaccio (why not?).
My favorite thing about her debut set is the 13th picture—a small, metallic head hanging in front of her cooch.
Can anyone identify that face?
Perhaps it is voodoo.
Moving on to salmon mousse, we have @oro in her debut Dust .
Oro is SO FUCKING BEAUTIFUL!
And the best shot is the last one.
What a face!
How about some French onion soup (for our vegetarian readers)?
Vegans probably shouldn’t sit in The Naughty Chair (on account of the Gruyère).
This one is for the ass men.
Dig on the butt shots of @rockgirl .
She even throws us boob-lovers a bone with that nice nipple close-up!
Really a very strong Hopeful set.
Time to get fishy.
Welcome an absolutely perfect set from @annamae .
[some people even like to smash pumpkins]
Behold Clean .
The fishy thing is: HOW THE FUCK DID THIS GAL NOT BECOME A SUICIDE GIRL?!?
Were her tits too big???
I don’t know…
That is some impressive artillery she’s packin’ in her shirt!!!
Ok.
I need some lemon sorbet after that fucking set…
Set me straight!
Maybe even lime!!
In her debut set, @fynne blonded us like a bitch slap from Jean Harlow.
Wowza!
NOW I’m clean.
Like a burst of sunshine.
Like citric acid in the eyes of a masochist.
Fynne’s set Peace and Quiet is SO FUCKING GOOD!
God damn.
That’s the best sorbet I ever had.
Jesus Christ.
Alright.
Main course time.
Coming in with ratatouille is @kendallll in Hey Neighbor .
Yes, she’s a Hopeful.
Sure, a Hopeful can be a main course.
And this gal stole the show a little bit.
[you underestimate the underdog/
that’s why you will not survive]
It may be hard to tell from the budget photography in this one, but this lady had some TREEMENDOUS tits!!
I mean…
That’s impressive!
But we intend to gorge ourselves in this chapter.
Somebody call Rabelais.
Le plat principal ain’t over.
As our Duck à l’Orange, I nominate @littleorchid in her set Body Double .
Yes, another Hopeful made the main course.
Hey, it was just that time of month!
Timing is everything.
Location location location.
Littleorchid is cute as a button with her pudding-cup breasts!
[YES I BLOODY-WELL KNOW I SAID DUCK À L’ORANGE]
And now to toss the salad.
And for this, our First Look is to @kelyibean .
This set got over 1000 likes (an astounding feat at that time for a Hopeful set!).
This was another gal who shoulda been snatched up by SG.
Why wasn’t she?
Not enough ink??
Tossing salads ain’t no joke.
Indeed, our salade niçoise is a PERFECT set from @suri entitled Ceramics .
This one is messy!
And glorious!!!
Time for some electrifying Camembert.
Meet @lithiumblues in Big Boots .
My favorite part of this cheesy set (that’s a GOOD thing) is the virtual centerfold formed by shots 18 and 19.
Good thinking, Charlie!
Ok, the next three cheeses are really something special.
First, we have the emmental of @tao (or is it the Emmental of tao?) in Spider Girl .
Holy swan song, Batman!
What a way to go out!!
Those are breasts for which to give a left nut.
Q: why is the left testicle more valuable?
[left one is smaller (for starters)]
I, for one, would give my right nut (the big one) for those beautiful mammaries of Tao.
Amazing!!
Let’s get spooky-kooky with some munster cheesiness in Real Live Fleas starring @friskey .
This is truly an inimitable pin-up MASTERPIECE of which “Professor” Roy Heckler would have been proud!!
Indeed, Friskey could have done the impossible—to save Hubert’s Dime Museum & Flea Circus—had her set only dropped in, ohhh…I don’t know. 1959 or so.
Or 1880.
Or 1992.
Television tells us.
The the true queen of cheeses here is the Roquefort ZAP of @vannashene .
She only made one set as a Suicide Girl.
You don’t need more than this set.
Bear witness to Neophyte .
Wine and cheese.
Gargle your Mouton Rothschild as you take in the blue-veined WOP-BOP-A-LOO-BOP of Vannashene.
One and done.
If you say my name, I’m not there anymore.
Who am I?
TIME FOR DESSERT!
Loosen your belts.
Belch if you must.
Yawn.
Scratch your crotch.
Pat your belly.
Cigars and cognac soon enough.
First we have a chocolate profiterole by the name of @encore .
Why did this scrumptious pâte à choux receive no attention when her creamy Return to Sender dropped?!?
Beats the fuck outta me.
But it’s a goddamned good set!!!
[HARUMPH]
Our sweet tooth is still salty.
We are shooting for diabetic coma in this last course.
I ordered some Suzette.
I said, “Please make that crêpe!”
Just then the whole kitchen exploded from boiling fat and out came @drake in a powder-blue cape.
Thing about Drake’s swan song Octopus is the penultimate shot.
Why spill blood when you can drool ink?
Yes.
Very effective.
Very effective, indeed!
Now for a real star of the desert cart.
May I present the crème brûlée that is @aspen in Coco de Mer .
I might give both nuts for this set.
Jesus.
I’m running out of balls.
Maybe she’d take a kidney?
Or an ear?
Speaking of Van Gogh, we come—a thousand sheets to the wind—to a mille-feuille by the name of @iamcoolemokid .
[three sheets are simply not enough for this palatial repast]
Iamcoolemokid never went Pink, but her set Yellow Room for a Red Lady is (in its own way) as immortal as The Night Café.
I mean…
This lady had some starry, starry tits.
The kind of rack to set you reeling.
A Roadrunner-whacks-Coyote pair of knockers.
Makes me sad she never went Pink…
But cheer up, Charlie!
It time to flambé the fuck outta shit with the real cherries jubilee of this desert course: a PERFECT set from @symbidium called Tea Anyone .
Another Hopeful to whom virtually nobody was paying attention.
This set got 100 likes 15 years ago.
And then she slunk off into obscurity.
Oscurità.
I’d give my left hand for this gal.
Wherever she is.
[gotta keep one hand to, you know, “appreciate” the set (ahem)]
What a rack.
Boy oh boy oh boy oh boy oh bouillabaisse.
WHAT A RACK!!!
What a set of breasts.
A complete set.
Nothing lacking in that shoot.
Shit.
But keep your chin up.
What you need is a good demitasse of coffee.
Wake up…we’re there!
The last set.
The end of the chapter.
It’s @bully in her pulpit Silence.
You may, by this point, be expecting a link.
You will have to walk this last portion alone.
The meal is over.
[silenzio]
—Pauly Deathwish
