ever feel that things are SO stressful that you just need to cry everything out?
I just need to shut down for a day. I need someone to take out my battery pack and just let me reboot. Try as a might, I just haven't been able to do this for about the last year.
The more successful work is, the more stressed about it I get. I'm far too often in this state of dread. I earn my money by the minute. No such thing as a long term contract. I always am TOO aware that it could all disappear tomorrow. Its been good for amost 365 days now and why should tomorrow be any different. but WHAT IF.
I'm going to vegas a week from friday. I've thought about leaving my laptop behind but I think that makes me even MORE scared. What if that $500/day client calls in or emails for an appointment and I'm not there to answer.
My friends, for the most part, are not what you'd call 'rich'. I almost feel guilty for telling them "I have 6500$ waiting to be deposited on the first of the month. thats 2 1/2 times what I normally make. SHIT FUCK. I'm afraid that something is going to happen thats 2 1/2 times worse than I've dealt with before" because all they hear is "$6500" and go "holy shit! girl! i need to do what YOU do" and then I think "stephanie. serious. shut the fuck up." because they'll think I'm boasting instead of ACTUALLY wanting someone to tell me its ok.
I've always thought "once I make X amount I wont have ANYTHING to worry about." Fuck that. What if I make the wrong decision. What if I use that money to pay off all my debt and something happens and then I have no money. I'm one step from just burying everything in my back yard.
The more I have, the more I try to keep that going. I can't enjoy my success. What the hell is wrong with me?
I just need to shut down for a day. I need someone to take out my battery pack and just let me reboot. Try as a might, I just haven't been able to do this for about the last year.
The more successful work is, the more stressed about it I get. I'm far too often in this state of dread. I earn my money by the minute. No such thing as a long term contract. I always am TOO aware that it could all disappear tomorrow. Its been good for amost 365 days now and why should tomorrow be any different. but WHAT IF.
I'm going to vegas a week from friday. I've thought about leaving my laptop behind but I think that makes me even MORE scared. What if that $500/day client calls in or emails for an appointment and I'm not there to answer.
My friends, for the most part, are not what you'd call 'rich'. I almost feel guilty for telling them "I have 6500$ waiting to be deposited on the first of the month. thats 2 1/2 times what I normally make. SHIT FUCK. I'm afraid that something is going to happen thats 2 1/2 times worse than I've dealt with before" because all they hear is "$6500" and go "holy shit! girl! i need to do what YOU do" and then I think "stephanie. serious. shut the fuck up." because they'll think I'm boasting instead of ACTUALLY wanting someone to tell me its ok.
I've always thought "once I make X amount I wont have ANYTHING to worry about." Fuck that. What if I make the wrong decision. What if I use that money to pay off all my debt and something happens and then I have no money. I'm one step from just burying everything in my back yard.
The more I have, the more I try to keep that going. I can't enjoy my success. What the hell is wrong with me?
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"I love you more than band music and cookie-making."