Open Letter #1
Dear Gentiles,
Normally I'm pretty proud to be a Jew. But sometimes, man, I have to admit you do your holiday's well.
And we have more than a few holidays that just seem to match up. Xmas and Channukah and Easter and Passover
As you probably are unaware, yesterday was the first day of passover. This is our "Holy Fuck, paint some blood above our door lest our firstborn gets killed in his sleep and then lets get the shit out of Egypt" holiday. Ya know, just so you can keep things straight.
As much as I love Passover, by day 4 I turn into a stark raving bitch. Why?
BECAUSE I CANT HAVE ANY SORT OF GRAIN OR CORN AND HOLY SHIT DID YOU KNOW THAT EVERYTHING IN THE WORLD HAS CORN SYRUP IN IT?!
I woke up this morning craving a pop tart. Not because I really like pop tarts. But because I can't have one.
I think in a fight between........
and
...as much as I hate to admit it, I think ya'll win.
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Open letter 2.
Dear girl in my burlesque troop who I am starting to want to kill like I was Agent 47
Please stop lying about things that happen at our burlesque shows and then act like I dont know that you lied when I confront you about it.
Also, please, when I call and you dont answer and leave you a voice mail, you don't have to tell me why you didn't answer the phone.
"Sorry I didn't answer when you called earlier. I was having sex with some guy. I think I broke my toe"
I don't want to know. And it's probably a lie anyway.
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Open letter #3
Dear Agent 47,
I wish you were real. So you could kill people I hate. And then have dirty monkey sex with me.
