bluestreak

Well, what a week it's been. I've spent the time in a recovery group. Quite a journey of discovery if i'm being honest. I feel like a bit of a fraud, cos compared to most of the group my alcoholism is fairly undeveloped and embryonic. I've fucked my life up, but not as much as the rest of them have. but then i hear stories and patterns of behaviours and it all fits.

i guess the difference between me and them is that i merely want to control my substance abuse. i want to be able to drink and take drugs purely for fun at times and in places that won't fuck up my life significantly. but they preach abstinence, and i get the impression that they know my game, ahve seen it all before and want me to walk away from it all.

trouble is, i don't want to. i'm quite enjoying sobriety and group therapy. it's helped me work a lot of stuff through already. i've been out a few times and not been drinking, and though it's been lonely i'm finding having clarity of mind enough to make up for it at the moment.

that said, i am feeling remarkably lonely at the moment. i crave attention but i also don't really want to do the dating thing either, so it's all bit of a mindfuck at times.

i'm already beginning to understand about the self-destructive urges that i get, that it's anger turned inwards and all of that. i'm learning how to control it and understand it, but i still feel a bit resistant to sorting my head out, as if somehow this fucking nightmare depression is better than being sane and functional.

life takes you on some weird journeys innit...