Ugh somedays I don't even know why I get out of bed. I've been feeling pretty good lately for the most part or at least trying to but all it takes is one little stupid thing then I'm wallowing in self pity pretty damn pathetic. Lisa asked me last night why I'm so shy around her and it just gave me flashbacks to the whole Tori thing. I know with new people I tend to be a bit closed mouth some more than others but I was thinking I wasn't being too bad with Lisa. Guess I was wrong though I don't know I probably shouldn't even be upset about this. I suppose it's just because of the recent failures along with my thinking I'm doing well it leaves with the impression of failure and rejection. If I could be a different person I would be but there are just certain componets that make up me and well while they can be manipulated a bit I can't be an entirely new entity I am what I am. I'll never be the most outgoing I'll always have moments of being introverted I'll always be a bit of a mystery in someways that's just the way I work. People don't like that though so it's a blow to the self-esteem seeing the person you are isn't one most people are happy with rarely do people accept but seem to want to challenge it or change it. It's not like I don't social interact with people I do I swear I'm not a boring lump on a log just staring off into space. I do have things to say and say them I get into disscussions I have thoughts ideas I make jokes and what not just not all the time. Along with I have to develope a certain amount of comfort with people just most don't seem willing to go along with this but just question why I'm so odd. This just makes my trying all the more harder because I just get self concious. I also hate hearing what do you have to be self concious depressed or just other wise fucked about... i have plenty why assume someone doesn't? I don't know people just make me feel like I shouldn't be the way that I am and that there is something wrong with me. I don't know there is fucking snow outside it's cold again and I'm just feeling like shit today. I'm going to get a book maybe I'll read it I have two other books that I haven't finished I've been having a hard time reading lately my mind just floats and I can't concentrate. I need to stop worrying about trying to connect with people and just keep to myself or something I don't know. 
this may be off subject, but I just had some ass suggest to me that Sylvia Plath and Dostoevsky, and da VInci, Van Gough and MIshima (I won't go on here) and so many GREAT minds would have benefited from medication so that they could be "normal"
perhaps the beauty in you is something that cannot be seen or offered by "normalicy". You are perfect, and yes the world judges you against "normalicy" but the right person will see who you are and what you are and will give you the lattitude to be comfortable within your own skin......