blueleftshoe

Going along with my whole plan to actually face things and actually accomplish something rather than confining myself to my bedroom or at the very most my living room I decided to do something else I've been putting off. I decided after going to the bank to actually call my dad to see if I could come out and visit. Actually I was calling my grandparents but he was the only one home so I made plans with him. He said he'd take me out to lunch so we ended up going to some little hungarian place which wasn't half bad. My stomach really started aching though when we were driving back to the house so the rest of the day I had horrible cramps and such. The visit wasn't all that pleasant either like usual my dad would go off into one of his dialouges whenever I would mention anything which would be fine if they didn't included like talking to others as if they were retarded and didn't continue for hours. Really I will never even discuss how I think or feel on things most of the time just because I know he won't listen and will just sort of blow me off as far as how I think on something. I can't stand how he's obsessed with Christianity and puts down everything else.. and it's not even like he just says it's evil he just sort of makes it seems like everyone is completely retarded for believing what they do if it isn't what he thinks. The arguements or examples he comes up with are just completely absurd his way of reasoning doesn't even come cross as slightly logical as with most people who are religious somehow they confuse there own personally beliefs as facts.. the bible and I mean all bibles for any religion are proof of nothing a book is a book just because some words are written down and happen to be old don't mean they are anything other than someone elses words. He just always bothers me but I mostly ignored him especially since I was just pretty much concentrating on the horrible craps I was having. My crazy aunt ended up coming over she wasn't too bad not like she can get anyways and they just sort of sat there bitching about my grandparents and well pretty much every other memeber of the family... yeah because they have room to talk and because they are so perfect. Don't get my wrong I don't understand most of my family on my fathers side most of them are really screwed up mentally and don't take responsibility for anything they do but well I just avoid them. Really the only one I enjoy seeing over there is my little cousin Stacy my crazy aunts 7 year old I hate seeing kids having to grow up with psycho parents I wish I could raise her but yeah i'm not stable enough to take care of myself and by that I just mean fincial. My grandparents ended up coming home a while after that and I really do love them and seeing them but at times they are difficult to deal with. They tend to just want to sit there and zone out on tv all day and well that is just not enjoyable to me.. sometimes I'll play scrabble with my grandma but even that can get frustrating as she takes a half hour between turns. My grandma of course was laying the guilt trip on me about never seeing them well I guess it has been 8 months but hey no one visits me. Anyways it was nice to see everyone all of them who I do really love and care about but dammit if they don't drive me crazy... my grandma even wanted me to spend the night.. haha yeah right. I see why I was the way I was living in that enviroment. That is part of my problem I've never really lived in a healthy enviroment which in turns tends to make one feel miserable. It makes me appreciate where I'm at a lot more even if there are problems and I do tend to get lonely but at least it's not insanity.

I need to do something calm and relaxing today but fun I'm not sure what. I'm thinking I need to be more sociable too I'm working on the happiness thing it's getting better. I need to do something about the constant headaches though I don't know if it's psychological stress like when I was a kid or if my body is just screwed up.